This is awkward, but...how's your sex life?

My wife and I had a conversation with a young married couple about sex a few weeks ago.

It was incredibly refreshing. We could be open and honest with them, and help them take steps forward in their marriage.

Creative Commons user Marc Wathieu, edits mine

Church leaders should talk with people more about sex, in a positive light.*

Most of the “sex talks” that happen with church leaders are

a premarital conversation that goes something like this: ~~Don’t have sex.~~ Quit having sex. Wait for a few more months.
a sermon series in the student ministry that lasts for 8 months. Think I’m joking? I’m not…I ran into a student pastor who said he’d been preaching on sex for 8 months with his students. “I think we’re just about done” he said. “I bet they’ve been done listening to you talk about it for about 8 months, because that’s way too long for students to hear their 50-somethings youth pastor talk about sex” I replied…in my head, of course.
an awkwardly timed, not-so-funny joke in a sermon on Sunday morning. Either you think, “Can I laugh at that in church?” or “Can I laugh at that, just to make my pastor feel better? That wasn’t funny…”

Church leaders should have more frank conversations about sex. Not in a “sex is dirty” kind of way, and not in a way that’s constantly condemning the bad things about sex. But in a way that helps a couple honor God with this area of their life.

Culture teaches us a lot about sex, most of which is glamorized, made out to be some sort of physical-only act that’s super easy for a couple to enjoy together.

It Ain’t That Easy

If you’ve been married long at all, you know that sex isn’t easy to get “right” (meaning something that’s mutually enjoying and honoring to God). More often than not, especially in the first few years of married life, sex is frustrating for husbands and wives. It’s not the beautiful act that God intended, but a point of contention. Instead of an act of union and love, it drives a wedge dissatisfaction.

And sex is so, so important to a marriage. It’ll bring a marriage down in a heartbeat if it’s not addressed. We’d be foolish to assume that all couples just know how to flourish in this area of their lives. Understanding your spouse is something that takes time…it’s not an intuitions you’re born with. As quickly as it can bring a marriage down, it can also help a marriage turn a corner. God intended sex to be an emotional, physical, and spiritual act. It’s intended to be a deeply satisfying intimacy for which no other act can substitute. (don’t believe me? Try reading Song of Solomon and not blushing)

A Little More Conversation, A Little More Action

Don’t wait for your church to have a sermon series on sex. Even if they do, it’s impossible to cover every specific issue for every couple. While there may be general problems, ideals, pitfalls to avoid, and healthy steps to take, in no way can a sermon be comprehensive. Those comprehensive questions and concerns and frustrations need to be worked out in the context of healthy relationships.

So go ahead. Ask the awkward question to someone you have a close relationship with:

How’s your sex life?

You’ll get them snickering like middle school girls. But you’ll also open up the opportunity for a beautiful conversation.

And if you’re not having good sex, it may be time to ask for some advice.

Drink water from your own cistern, And fresh water from your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? Let them be yours alone, And not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love (Proverbs 5:15-19).

*Talking about sex isn’t just relegated to church leaders…all followers of Jesus should make it a point to talk openly and honestly about this issue. Church leaders especially. This blog just tends to be read by a majority of people who are, at one level or another, leaders in their local church.

* image credit; Creative Commons user Marc Wathieu, edits mine

* catch up with the “this is awkward” series HERE.

Jason Vana

It’s non-existent! Course, I’m not married, so that’s a good thing 😀
- Ben Reed
  
  Ha! Glad to hear that, Jason!
Stephen Haggerty

I’m blushing…
Kidding. This is great… one of my and my wife’s best friends will ask us this when we get together. She’s a Pastor’s wife, so it’s in a Jerry Springer way, but in a way in that she cares for us, and wants our marriage to succeed and honor God. Good thoughts, Ben!
- Ben Reed
  
  “Jerry Springer” way? Help me out…is that good or bad??
  - Stephen Haggerty
    
    Ha… definitely bad, and it definitely meant to say “NOT in a Jerry Springer way.” Sorry- I can understand the confusion… 🙂
    - Ben Reed
      
      Ha! Makes total sense now!
      
      I was about to go DVR some Jerry Springer to figure out the context…I thought maybe Jerry had turned a corner with his show!
Hal Baird

OK honesty counts. My wife and I are beyond the years of intercourse, but we find just a loving kiss or hug suffices. I think we have to differentiate between sex and love. They do coexist, of course, between a man and his wife. But so many people think of them as the same. There are many people, both male and female in my life that I love, but it doesn’t mean any kind of sexual feeling or relationship. My brother in law and I are an example. We always greet and depart with an affectionate hug, sometimes even a kiss, and we’re not adverse to saying “I love you” to each other, but there is certainly nothing sexual about the way we two heterosexual men respond to each other.
Arny

does people asking you when you’re having your next kid count?! lol…
- Ben Reed
  
  That’s awkward…been asked that one a lot!
Caleb McNary

Good thoughts, Ben. Most of my life the churches I attended had one stance: sex is wrong and bad (they weren’t the most articulate bunch.) But, of course, as soon as you are married: sex is good and wonderful, it is a gift from God. It’s hard to square those two, and takes years to work out in marriage.
- Ben Reed
  
  Yep, you’re right on point, Caleb. That was my experience, too.
Carey

Good points Ben… enjoyed the post! It occurs to me that if Jesus, and Paul (both bachelors come to think of it… but not instrumental to my point) had the guts to talk about these things openly, then God must have something vital, and non-awkward to say about the subject…
- Ben Reed
  
  So true, Carey!
Robert Smith

Some of the most wonderful conversations have happened when we’ve discussed this topic with our closest friends. There is a vulnerability there, that to me, is a hallmark of a deep, true relationship. When you are able to broach this topic, you know you’ve entered a whole new level trust. Churches do need to speak on this more. Maybe if we spend more time talking about the wonders of it within the confines of the marriage bed, the younger generation will want to wait to experience all that God meant sex to be.
- Ben Reed
  
  Yes…deep, true relationships are marked by a vulnerability. I like that.
Kristin

Great blog Ben! We’ve been married eleven years and you’re so right! It needs to be talked about, it can make or break the course of your marriage, and you have to take the time to learn how to communicate with each other about it. God designed us to have this intimacy together spiritually and physically.
- Ben Reed
  
  Amen!
Nikki Weatherford

After several years in youth ministry I think one of the greatest disservices we do to kids is making sex out to be something dirty and shameful. I think you’re absolutely right here, we have to open up this subject and teach our kids what it really is. They need to know that’s it beautiful and that it has a place in our lives that is totally shameless. I think if we taught them that it’s something to look forward to, rather than just another way to rebel, we would be accomplishing a lot more.
A wife, mother for many years.

I enjoyed this article. I do believe it is necessary to start to trust in a different way. Opening your heart to each other is missing the many marriages and honesty makes us vulnerable. Yet, it is in the vulnerability that the deepest connection and joy come.

Thank you, for starting the conversation.
- Ben Reed
  
  That was my goal…to start a conversation. Glad to hear I started at least one!
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Jason Wert

I was going to post the obligatory “I’m single so I have no sex life” comment but Vana beat me to it. 🙂
- Ben Reed
  
  Dang that @JasonVana:disqus!

This is awkward, but…how’s your sex life?

It Ain’t That Easy

A Little More Conversation, A Little More Action

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Starting Small: The Ultimate Small Group Blueprint

This is awkward, but…how’s your sex life?

It Ain’t That Easy

A Little More Conversation, A Little More Action

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