My friends Steve Gladen and Bill Donahue talk about the fact that healthy, Biblical community is not full of meaningless talk.
Or, as Bill calls it here, vain janglings. To which Steve, like the rest of the world, says, “What?!?”
Category: SmallGroups (page 12 of 20)
Growing older doesn’t guarantee you will grow in spiritual maturity.
Intentionally investing in your spiritual growth, though, does.
In our small group last night, we talked about the idea that as we grow older, there’s no promise that we’ll just fall naturally into godliness and spiritual maturity. It’s unnatural to do so.
The natural thing to do is to spend time doing things that distract us from our relationship with God and others. But just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s good. We brainstormed some things that aren’t evil (in and of themselves), but that distract us from a deeper relationship with God.
What are some things in your life that stall the spiritual maturing process? Can you begin to cut them out?
Because you can’t slow down aging…but you can slow down maturing.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. – Philippians 4:8-9
I’ve posted HERE, HERE, and HERE about the ways that small groups are difficult for you whether you’re introverted or extroverted. In closing, here are a few things to remember:
1. Being introverted or extroverted isn’t a sin. It’s just how God made you. Don’t let anybody criticize you for your wiring in this area.
2. The Church needs both introverts and extroverts. Without both, things can get out of balance.
3. You need small group life. When the Bible talks about our need for authentic community (see Acts 2:42-47; Hebrews 10:24-25; the “one anothers“) it doesn’t distinguish that need to just one personality type. The Church is a diverse body with diverse needs…but we all have the need for community, because our need for community is rooted in God’s design, not in a personality type. Our need for community is not a result of the Fall (though it’s certainly complicated by the Fall), rather rooted in the fact God lives in community (the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit living in perfect community at all times) and has designed us with that need. Using your personality isn’t a valid excuse to not plugging into the life of the body of Christ (the Church). There will be difficulties along the way, for sure. And at times, you’ll find yourself wanting to back out because it’s too tough. But when you press on through that difficulty, I’m convinced you’ll find biblical community life-transforming.
Find a group of people. It may be 3. Or it may be 23. But find a small group of people that you can grow with, that love you, will encourage and admonish you, and that you can serve.
Whether you’re and introvert or an extrovert.
The discussion started HERE with a look at the starting point of a small group, and the effect that has on introverts and extroverts. The discussion then shifted HERE to the middle-point of small group life.
**Now we’ll look at the ending season of a small group (which may last anywhere from 1 month to several). This is a sweet, sweet season in the life of a small group. By now, the group really knows each other. You understand how each person is gifted. You know where they struggle and how to encourage them effectively. You know their children, and the struggles and victories they’ve had at home. You’ve seen God change cold hearts. You’ve served alongside these people, cried with them, laughed with them, and heard them speak truth directly to your heart.
Though the above sounds like it’s all rosy, don’t think there aren’t still challenges to face.
The end of a small group
Extroverts may find this phase of small group life increasingly difficult. They’re ready for the group to end so they can get out there and meet a new group of people. They’ve done all they can, and assume God’s done all he’s going to do. Since the only thing left is the finish line, they’re ready for it. It’s like how the last hour of a car ride seems much longer than the first 10. For an extrovert, the end can’t come fast enough. And though extroverts get their energy from being around people, they can still find themselves bored since they’ve been around the same people for so long.
A word of caution to the extroverts: Just because you feel God’s done all he’s going to do in your heart doesn’t mean that he’s done. There’s still refining to do. There’s still change that needs to happen. And if you give up on the group now, even though you may feel bored, you may miss out on the best God has to offer you through your small group.
Introverts can really start to find their groove during this time. If they’ve pushed through the awkward phase of the beginning (where they didn’t know many people), pushed themselves to forge new relationships throughout the middle season, now they find that they’re surrounded by people whom they know and are known by. There’s a great trust that’s developed, and a sweet season of close relationships is where they find themselves. In fact, they feel so comfortable that they may be resistant to forming new relationships with others. Forming these was tough…they may not be up to the challenge of building new bonds with others.
* A word of caution to the introverts: Don’t let your current feeling of “success” drive you away from forming new relationships with others. Your feelings of comfort and safety are good, but shouldn’t paralyze you from taking steps of faith, and courageously reaching out to those you don’t know. They need to hear your story, and see God’s hand of redemption in your life. This season of group life may be the easiest for you, but don’t let it lull you to sleep, and cause you to forget that steps of faith involve risk.
I’ve got a few more thoughts to share. But I’ll save them until the next post. Until then:
Have these dynamics played out in your small group? In your own heart?
Do you think small groups are easier for an introvert or an extrovert?
**This is based on the assumption that your small group has an end-date in mind. In some small group systems, groups are together for life. In the system that I lead at Grace Community Church, our groups last 12-18 months.
Yesterday, I highlighted the challenges that introverts and extroverts face when a small group launches. You can read that post HERE. Today, we’ll take a look at the second phase of group life, what I’m calling “the middle.” I know, I know…where did I come up with that name? I’m just a bastion of creativity…
“The middle” phase of small group life can be pretty boring. You’ve lost the luster of the new group, you know almost everybody’s “junk,” you’ve gone through a study or two together, and there’s no real end in sight. This is actually a dangerous time in the life of a group, where a group can lose much steam and excitement, with the foundations laid in the first couple of months quickly washing away.
Understanding how you’re wired (introverted or extroverted) can help you and your group fight against the doldrums of “the middle.”
The Middle of a Small Group:
*Extroverts can really struggle during this time. They have built a relationship with everyone in the group, exhausted all they want out of that relationship, and are ready for the next challenge. They’ve shared their story, cried it out, and listened to everyone else’s. They’ve noticed areas of growth that need to happen and they’re ready to work on it. In short, their question now is, “What’s next??”
A word of encouragement to extroverts: The group needs you now as much as ever! Don’t give up. Don’t stop sharing your struggles, your victories, your questions. And the fact that you’re ready for what’s next…that’s a great thing! Help the group continue to think creatively, and not get into such a fixed routine that people get bored. You may share your story in one big chunk…but not everybody does it like that. Others prefer to share theirs in bits and pieces over time…and they need you to continue to press in and ask Gospel-centered questions that promote growth.
Introverts can also really struggle during this time. They’ve formed close relationships with one or two other people, and they are satisfied. There are lots of other people in the group, but forging a relationship with them (especially after you’ve had countless surface-level conversations) would be too difficult, so they’re content to maintain those couple of close ties. At this point, instead of looking at small group as a time to grow and serve others, they begin to look at the group saying, “What’s in it for me?”
A word of encouragement to introverts: Don’t. Grow. Comfortable. Continue to share more and more of your story with more and more of the group. Step out of your comfort zone and grab coffee with another group member. Help the group to take a step towards authentic relationships. Your strengths can’t be ripped out of the group right now! You can be the glue that holds the group together, because you see the value in fostering deep relationships.
“The middle” season of a small group can be marked by growing complacency. Don’t let that happen.
Ever seen any of these dynamics in a small group?
Are you more introverted or extroverted?
*Remember, these are generalizations. You may not find yourself fitting neatly into these categories. But some will.
Even if you’re not versed on the language of the Myers-Briggs test, you know what the first letter means.
On the test, your first letter is either an “E” (for extroverted) or an “I” (for introverted). Even without taking the test, you probably know where you would land.
I’m an “E.”
But that “E” isn’t incredibly strong. I always test as an “E,” but am not far from testing as an “I” (for introverted). If extreme “I” were on one side of a scale and extreme “E” on the other, I’d lean about 60% towards “E.” Which means one of two things:
1. I’m weird. Which is entirely possible.
2. I can identify with both introverts and extroverts.
Small group life presents its challenges to both sides of the scale. But it’s not equally challenging to both groups at every stage of group life. So I’ll lay a group life into 3 stages: Beginning, Middle, and End. In this post, I’ll talk about what group life looks like for an extrovert and an introvert as the group launches. While these descriptions may not be 100% on point for you, look for similar challenges you’ve faced.
The Beginning of a Small Group:
Extroverts find great comfort in meeting new people as the group launches. They easily forge relationships with people they didn’t know, and can quickly become the “life” of the group. It feels natural for them to step into unknown environments, even if they’re not fully bought into the whole system (of building relationships for the purpose of taking steps of faith together).
A word of caution to the extroverts: Just because everybody’s not comfortable right off the bat (like you are) in this environment doesn’t mean that they’re not glad to be there. They just need time to acclimate. Give them that freedom.
Introverts find it difficult to step into a room full of people that they don’t know. Instead of feeling at ease around lots of new faces, they feel intimidated and closed off in this unknown environment. Instead of jumping right into all of these new conversations, they’d rather sit by themselves, or with the one or two people they know in the group. Not because they don’t like people. They just don’t find strength in mingling with lots of people, which makes the beginning of the life of a small group rather difficult.
A word of caution to the introverts: Don’t write off those folks who seem to only be worried about surface-level conversations and interactions. Your comfort zone is likely having a few truly meaningful conversations…that’s likely not their comfort zone.
Remember, this isn’t a “right” or “wrong” thing. You haven’t committed some sin that causes you to be introverted or extroverted. It’s just how God wired you. Don’t feel like you have to be something you’re not…be who God created you to be. But know the challenges that you (and your brothers and sisters in Christ) are facing.
Next time, I’ll talk about what the middle phase of group life looks like for introverts and extroverts. Don’t miss it!
Are you introverted or extroverted?
I noted a few things HERE that we can rightly say our circumstances are not. Today, let’s look at a few things our circumstances are.
When “life” happens, remember
1. Circumstances give you a chance to slow down. Moving through life at blazing speeds is something that most of us do well. When trials happen, you’re forced to slow down, and given the chance to evaluate things. Use that time wisely!
2. God is in control of all things. Even when everything seems to fall apart, reminding yourself that God is ultimately in control is a great source of hope. (Ecclesiastes 7:14; John 10:27-29; Colossians 1:17)
3. You need others to help you discern the hand of God. We gravitate to quick, rash decisions…and paralyzation, waiting forever before doing anything. But it is within the counsel of other godly men and women that wisdom is found. (Proverbs 13:20; Proverbs 15:22) Others who love you, have your best interest at heart, and are committed to helping you grow rightly give counsel to help you see where God’s working. (see my related posts on the value of small groups HERE)
4. Circumstances don’t control the outcome of your life. Your relationship with God does. If they begin to control your life, it’s because you’ve given them that power, because Christ is greater than he who is in the world. (1 John 4:4)
This is what the Lord says:
Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans,
who rely on human strength
and turn their hearts away from the Lord .
They are like stunted shrubs in the desert,
with no hope for the future.
They will live in the barren wilderness,
in an uninhabited salty land.But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit. –Jeremiah 17:5-8
Ever felt like you were controlled by your circumstances?
Ever worked through the difficulties and found God at work the whole time?
Ever start a discussion in small group, and find out 5 minutes into it that it’s headed a different direction than you intended it to go?
I have. And part of me stresses out when this happens. I could easily find a home in asking every single question in the book, getting the “right” answer, and movin on. Not that I don’t value off-topic discussion, and discussions that take a while to work through, but I’m comfortable when things are neat and tidy. Chaos and messiness are not where I thrive, though I would quickly acknowledge that those are a healthy part of a small group. Creating, and not completely dispelling, tension, and leaving a bit of un-resolve in discussion is something I’m beginning to enjoy (and greatly value).
What do you do when your group veers off from your intended goal for the night?
A skilled small group leader knows:
1. When to follow the rabbit trail. Not all trails are bad. Sometimes, meaningful discussion happens when the group goes off-script. That rabbit trail could be exactly what God wanted you to talk about. Knowing when to follow the trail is an on-the-fly skill that’s developed as you get to know your group at a personal, spiritual level, and as you spend time seeking the Lord on a consistent basis.
2. When to reign the discussion back in. Staying on a rabbit trail too long can cause frustration, and can cause the group to feel stalled out. Some trails aren’t helpful, and need to be squashed before they become a hindrance to the group.
3. How to ask questions to help move the group forward. Understanding the heart behind a person’s somewhat off-topic question can help you, as the group leader, to know the right kind of questions and statements you need to make so that the group centers back on biblical truth. Listening well, knowing people’s faith stories, and understanding the struggles and victories of group members will help you know the right kinds of questions to ask that will keep the discussion from stalling out.
4. How to find answers. Group leaders don’t have to have every single answer to every single question asked in small group. But they do need to know how to find the answers, and how to utilizing people, books, websites, and other resources. For questions that are singularly focused, humbly saying, “I don’t know the answer, but I’ll find it out” can be a great way to move the discussion forward.
5. How to involve the whole group in the discussion. Rabbit trails can often be so laser-pointed focused that the rest of the group feels alienated through the discussion. A good group leader knows how to rephrase the question (or ask appropriate follow-ups) so that it resonates with the rest of the group, and gives them a chance to join in the discussion.
Do you have a person in your small group that seems to always bring up off-topic discussions? How do you handle it?
What’s the funniest rabbit trail your group has gone down?
I’m a big Will Farrell fan. Watch, and laugh, as he leads Mark Wahlberg down a path he didn’t intend.
There are certain things I say that make me feel like I’m giving up my man card.
I tweet.
I use Hootsuite.
I have Twittelator on my phone.
Scripty (as in Scripty Goddess’ scaler HERE) is a tool I use on my blog.
Accountabili-buddy (a word my small group has coined).
Part of me likes Ikea.** (see below)
I have never seen Godfather.
I own Crocs.
I tend a garden.
I read a digizine.
It’s after saying the above phrases that I have to go outside and blow something up. Or go grill something. Or smoke a cigarette.
I’ve found myself saying “Digizine” more and more often. Sometimes, it’s just random…while I’m walking around, before I go to bed, after I eat dinner. It’s kind of fun…go ahead, try it.
I’ve been saying “Digizine” more and more because I’m completely blown away by SmallGroups.com ‘s new digital magazine (get a copy HERE).
Why is this digizine so great?
The content is superb. This issue contains articles by Sam O’Neal (managing editor of SmallGroups.com, a division of Christianity Today), John Ortberg(pastor at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, and author of numerous books), and Pat Sikora (founder of Mighty Oak Ministries).
The advertisements are great. Since I live and breathe small groups, ads that are about small groups are right up my alley. They appeal to small group leaders and small group pastors.
There are videos embedded in the digizine. You’re not going to get that in a magazine. And if you could…it would be weird to see a small video screen in a magazine you get in the mail. So instead of just reading an interview with Mark Batterson and Heather Zempel, you can actually watch it…right there on the same page.
It’s digital. Anything that’s digital is cooler, right? Case in point: digital clocks. Digital means means I can read it anywhere…and not wonder, “Where did I leave that magazine?”
But here’s one thing I wish was included:
Social networking ability. Give me the ability to tweet (see…there I go again…giving up yet another man card) what I’m reading. Make it easy for me to share this content with my followers. I want to share insights I get from around the internet…this digizine doesn’t readily give me that opportunity.
You need to get this free resource. If for no other reason that it gives you the opportunity to tell people you read digizines.
**Let it be known, I am a man. When I get stuff from Ikea, I don’t even use the instruction book. Bam.
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