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Excluding visitors from small groups?

Michael McKinley wrote this on the 9Marks Blog:

So in our church, non-members are welcome to attend and participate in the public services of the church. We are happy to have them in our Sunday morning gathering, our Sunday evening gathering, and our fellowship meals.

But we don’t let people attend small groups…until they are members.

This statement shocks me, and runs countercultural to what we, as a church are trying to accomplish. We never want to exclude new folks from being a part of our small groups, because we believe that the best way to get connected, grow in your faith, and become a disciple of Christ is in the context of small groups.

If we were to exclude visitors from linking up with small groups, we would, in effect, be saying that we value church membership over discipleship.

I’m not ready to make a statement like that.

Discipleship doesn’t start when you become a church member.

But maybe I’m wrong.

What do you think?

Should visitors be excluded from small groups, until they become members?

You probably wouldn’t like my small group

February 28, 2011 / Ben Reed / 10 Comments

If you’re looking for a small group, you probably wouldn’t like mine.

Why you won’t like my small group

Nobody’s perfect. Our group is rather messy…in fact, much messier than I ever thought it would be. If your life is clean and put together, and messiness frustrates you, you’ll hate our group.
We celebrate small steps, not just the ‘huge’ ones. And small steps may seem insignificant to you, so if you’re not willing to get excited over a step towards Jesus (no matter how seemingly insignificant), you’ll not feel at home with us.
There’s no teacher. Just a facilitator. And the facilitator doesn’t have all of the answers, so if it’s merely answers you’re looking for, mosey on.
We talk about challenging stuff. And I don’t mean that we debate obscure theological dogma. I mean that we work to apply the Scriptures to our lives. If you love a great, obscure theological debate, you may not enjoy our group.
We expect full participation. Nobody in our group is lazy. In one way or another, every member participates, and is vital to the success of the group as a whole. If you want to be a lazy sponge, don’t join us.
We know each other’s stories. No hiding in our group. Our group kicked off its first month by encouraging everybody in the group to share their faith story. Comfortable? Nope. This group’s not for you.
We’re transparent. Mere platitudes aren’t acceptable. If all of your answers start with, “Someone once said…” instead of, “I am dealing with…” then you’ll never be comfortable in our small group.
We’re diverse. If you’re looking for people that are just like you, who look, smell, act, read the same books, live on the same side of town, have the same number of kids…keep moving. You’re not going to find that here.
Our group is going to end soon, and I’m going to ask each group member to take a step of faith and lead a new group…each one of them. No moss will be gathering with us. If you like moss, find another group.
We serve together. Don’t want to serve? That’s fine. Just don’t get frustrated with us when we ask you to join us in making a difference in our community.
We have fun. Every week. We laugh so hard that we snort. We play games, share stories, and study the Bible…all while having fun. I wrote more extensively about the importance of having fun in small groups HERE. If you don’t like having fun, you’re an old codger. And old codgers don’t last long in our group.

Based on the reasons above, would you want to join my small group?

An Open Letter to Church Visitors

February 9, 2011 / Ben Reed / 4 Comments

Church visitor,

We’re so glad you’re here! We’re absolutely honored you’d worship with us. You need to know that we love Jesus. We’re not perfect, but we’re taking steps of faith regularly. So it’s okay that you’re not perfect either. You’re welcomed just as you are, and we want to serve you in any way that we can.

But instead of just waiting for us to make the move to get you more involved, find you a small group, ask you to serve, and tell you about who we are…I give you permission to approach us. Don’t hang back and expect that we have to make the first move.

Maybe we didn’t see you. Maybe you just slipped out too quickly. Maybe we were working to serve someone else. Maybe we thought someone else had already connected with you. Maybe we wanted to give you space we thought you needed.

Trust me when I say that we want to serve you. We want to connect you. We want you to feel warm and welcomed. We want to help introduce you to Grace. And Hope. And Mercy. And Forgiveness.

But nowhere else in life do you expect someone to make a friend for you. You expect that you’ve got a role to play in building a relationship and reach out. There’s got to be a give-and-take in every relationship. Right?

We won’t bite. We’ll actually be happy. We’re delighted to plug you in. You make the move. Don’t wait on us. Move.

Sincerely,

–Church leaders everywhere

to view the flip side of this, the Church’s response to visitors, see my thoughts HERE.

The Shallow Small Group

February 3, 2011 / Ben Reed / 7 Comments

My good friends at Blue Fish TV put this video together. It’s awesome.

Enjoy!

Have you ever been a part of a shallow small group?

What are you doing to avoid your small group being shallow?

Leveraging Technology

October 12, 2010 / Ben Reed / 1 Comment

The problem in our churches isn’t our use of technology. Technology is just a medium, a tool we can use for the sake of the Gospel.

In their book, The Multi-site Church Revolution: Being One Church in Many Locations, authors Surratt, Ligon, and Bird talk about the history of leveraging technology.

The idea of leveraging the latest technology for kingdom service is nothing new. Nor is the pushback, questioning, or occasional controversy raised by such changes. When I (Warren) was visiting relatives in Germany, I toured a famous medieval monastery in Germany. I learned how they took the church into the community by doing religious dramas. To reach the most people, they performed some of the dramas at night, which raised the need for lighting. By putting candles in front of colored glass, they created colored lighting, much like today’s stage lights. “Was this controversial?” I asked our guide. “What do you think?” she responded with a smile. Reading church history is fascinating because it reminds us that every generation asks about the appropriateness of using technology to do church.

In our church, we leverage all kinds of technology: colored lights, speakers, microphones, amplifiers, video projection, YouVersion Live, computers, and iPods.

In our small group, we leverage technology as well: DVD players, TVs, cell phones (to read our Bibles), and email and Facebook to communicate throughout the week.

Technology itself isn’t evil. It’s a neutral medium that the Church is called to utilize and redeem. It can often make our services, and our small groups, more engaging, more attractive, more relevant, more influential (allowing churches to broadcast to multiple sites), more streamlined, and more connected.

But maybe I’m wrong.

Are there certain technologies that should be considered off-limits to churches?

How does your church (or small group) use technology to advance the Gospel?

Introverts, Extroverts, and small groups part 3

August 20, 2010 / Ben Reed / 0 Comments

The discussion started HERE with a look at the starting point of a small group, and the effect that has on introverts and extroverts. The discussion then shifted HERE to the middle-point of small group life.

**Now we’ll look at the ending season of a small group (which may last anywhere from 1 month to several). This is a sweet, sweet season in the life of a small group. By now, the group really knows each other. You understand how each person is gifted. You know where they struggle and how to encourage them effectively. You know their children, and the struggles and victories they’ve had at home. You’ve seen God change cold hearts. You’ve served alongside these people, cried with them, laughed with them, and heard them speak truth directly to your heart.

Though the above sounds like it’s all rosy, don’t think there aren’t still challenges to face.

The end of a small group

Extroverts may find this phase of small group life increasingly difficult. They’re ready for the group to end so they can get out there and meet a new group of people. They’ve done all they can, and assume God’s done all he’s going to do. Since the only thing left is the finish line, they’re ready for it. It’s like how the last hour of a car ride seems much longer than the first 10. For an extrovert, the end can’t come fast enough. And though extroverts get their energy from being around people, they can still find themselves bored since they’ve been around the same people for so long.

A word of caution to the extroverts: Just because you feel God’s done all he’s going to do in your heart doesn’t mean that he’s done. There’s still refining to do. There’s still change that needs to happen. And if you give up on the group now, even though you may feel bored, you may miss out on the best God has to offer you through your small group.

Introverts can really start to find their groove during this time. If they’ve pushed through the awkward phase of the beginning (where they didn’t know many people), pushed themselves to forge new relationships throughout the middle season, now they find that they’re surrounded by people whom they know and are known by. There’s a great trust that’s developed, and a sweet season of close relationships is where they find themselves. In fact, they feel so comfortable that they may be resistant to forming new relationships with others. Forming these was tough…they may not be up to the challenge of building new bonds with others.

* A word of caution to the introverts: Don’t let your current feeling of “success” drive you away from forming new relationships with others. Your feelings of comfort and safety are good, but shouldn’t paralyze you from taking steps of faith, and courageously reaching out to those you don’t know. They need to hear your story, and see God’s hand of redemption in your life. This season of group life may be the easiest for you, but don’t let it lull you to sleep, and cause you to forget that steps of faith involve risk.

I’ve got a few more thoughts to share. But I’ll save them until the next post. Until then:

Have these dynamics played out in your small group? In your own heart?

Do you think small groups are easier for an introvert or an extrovert?

**This is based on the assumption that your small group has an end-date in mind. In some small group systems, groups are together for life. In the system that I lead at Grace Community Church, our groups last 12-18 months.

Introverts, Extroverts, and small groups

August 18, 2010 / Ben Reed / 6 Comments

Even if you’re not versed on the language of the Myers-Briggs test, you know what the first letter means.

On the test, your first letter is either an “E” (for extroverted) or an “I” (for introverted). Even without taking the test, you probably know where you would land.

I’m an “E.”

But that “E” isn’t incredibly strong. I always test as an “E,” but am not far from testing as an “I” (for introverted). If extreme “I” were on one side of a scale and extreme “E” on the other, I’d lean about 60% towards “E.” Which means one of two things:

1. I’m weird. Which is entirely possible.

2. I can identify with both introverts and extroverts.

Small group life presents its challenges to both sides of the scale. But it’s not equally challenging to both groups at every stage of group life. So I’ll lay a group life into 3 stages: Beginning, Middle, and End. In this post, I’ll talk about what group life looks like for an extrovert and an introvert as the group launches. While these descriptions may not be 100% on point for you, look for similar challenges you’ve faced.

The Beginning of a Small Group:

Extroverts find great comfort in meeting new people as the group launches. They easily forge relationships with people they didn’t know, and can quickly become the “life” of the group. It feels natural for them to step into unknown environments, even if they’re not fully bought into the whole system (of building relationships for the purpose of taking steps of faith together).

A word of caution to the extroverts: Just because everybody’s not comfortable right off the bat (like you are) in this environment doesn’t mean that they’re not glad to be there. They just need time to acclimate. Give them that freedom.

Introverts find it difficult to step into a room full of people that they don’t know. Instead of feeling at ease around lots of new faces, they feel intimidated and closed off in this unknown environment. Instead of jumping right into all of these new conversations, they’d rather sit by themselves, or with the one or two people they know in the group. Not because they don’t like people. They just don’t find strength in mingling with lots of people, which makes the beginning of the life of a small group rather difficult.

A word of caution to the introverts: Don’t write off those folks who seem to only be worried about surface-level conversations and interactions. Your comfort zone is likely having a few truly meaningful conversations…that’s likely not their comfort zone.

Remember, this isn’t a “right” or “wrong” thing. You haven’t committed some sin that causes you to be introverted or extroverted. It’s just how God wired you. Don’t feel like you have to be something you’re not…be who God created you to be. But know the challenges that you (and your brothers and sisters in Christ) are facing.

Next time, I’ll talk about what the middle phase of group life looks like for introverts and extroverts. Don’t miss it!

Are you introverted or extroverted?

Did that go how you thought it was going to go?

August 12, 2010 / Ben Reed / 2 Comments

Ever start a discussion in small group, and find out 5 minutes into it that it’s headed a different direction than you intended it to go?

I have. And part of me stresses out when this happens. I could easily find a home in asking every single question in the book, getting the “right” answer, and movin on. Not that I don’t value off-topic discussion, and discussions that take a while to work through, but I’m comfortable when things are neat and tidy. Chaos and messiness are not where I thrive, though I would quickly acknowledge that those are a healthy part of a small group. Creating, and not completely dispelling, tension, and leaving a bit of un-resolve in discussion is something I’m beginning to enjoy (and greatly value).

What do you do when your group veers off from your intended goal for the night?

A skilled small group leader knows:

1. When to follow the rabbit trail. Not all trails are bad. Sometimes, meaningful discussion happens when the group goes off-script. That rabbit trail could be exactly what God wanted you to talk about. Knowing when to follow the trail is an on-the-fly skill that’s developed as you get to know your group at a personal, spiritual level, and as you spend time seeking the Lord on a consistent basis.

2. When to reign the discussion back in. Staying on a rabbit trail too long can cause frustration, and can cause the group to feel stalled out. Some trails aren’t helpful, and need to be squashed before they become a hindrance to the group.

3. How to ask questions to help move the group forward. Understanding the heart behind a person’s somewhat off-topic question can help you, as the group leader, to know the right kind of questions and statements you need to make so that the group centers back on biblical truth. Listening well, knowing people’s faith stories, and understanding the struggles and victories of group members will help you know the right kinds of questions to ask that will keep the discussion from stalling out.

4. How to find answers. Group leaders don’t have to have every single answer to every single question asked in small group. But they do need to know how to find the answers, and how to utilizing people, books, websites, and other resources. For questions that are singularly focused, humbly saying, “I don’t know the answer, but I’ll find it out” can be a great way to move the discussion forward.

5. How to involve the whole group in the discussion. Rabbit trails can often be so laser-pointed focused that the rest of the group feels alienated through the discussion. A good group leader knows how to rephrase the question (or ask appropriate follow-ups) so that it resonates with the rest of the group, and gives them a chance to join in the discussion.

Do you have a person in your small group that seems to always bring up off-topic discussions? How do you handle it?

What’s the funniest rabbit trail your group has gone down?

I’m a big Will Farrell fan. Watch, and laugh, as he leads Mark Wahlberg down a path he didn’t intend.

Matt Chandler & Philippians

July 20, 2010 / Ben Reed / 1 Comment

I’ve recently picked up a copy of Matt Chandler’s new small group study on the book of Philippians. It’s published by The Hub (formerly song of solomon).

I have to admit: I’m a Matt Chandler fan. I stumbled onto his podcast a few years back, and have really connected with his preaching. He’s easy to follow, funny, and engaging. And to top it all off…his sermons are biblically saturated. He preaches expositionally in a way that isn’t boring, and if you’ve spent much time under an expository preacher, you know that I’ve just given a huge compliment to Chandler. For some reason, I feel like I connect with Matt’s style better than I do other big-name preachers. Needless to say, I was intrigued by this study.

But great sermons and great preachers don’t always translate well into small groups.

Positives:

1. Chandler uses the same style of preaching in this video as he does on Sunday mornings. Like I said above, I have found it easy to connect with his preaching style.

2. There are very few questions. One of my critiques of Abide was that there were too many questions. It’s easy to throw a plethora of questions into each week’s discussion. The difficult part for writers (and editors) is choosing the best questions that draw out the most thoughtful, heart-searching answers. They have limited themselves to a 10-question max, and the questions that they’ve presented are really on-point.

3. There’s very little required homework. I try to consistently encourage those in my small group to spend time daily with the Lord. This curriculum gives them a natural place to start each day. But the next week’s questions aren’t built upon the prior week’s homework…and that’s a good thing. If you happen to miss a week, or get busy and don’t have time to look over the Scripture passage, you can just show up and immediately jump into the discussion.

4. “Diving deeper.” There’s a section each week that gives people the opportunity to go “deeper” in their own personal study of the passage. I like when a curriculum gives flexibility to differing levels of spiritual maturity.

5. The memory verse. I’m not great at memorizing Scripture. Ok…that’s a lie…let me try again. I don’t try very hard to memorize Scripture. But this study takes a verse from the passage that Chandler is preaching about, and encourages the group to memorize it. I love how this study integrates the discipline of Scripture memory.

6. The Scripture passages are right there in the book. I like to take notes when I hear sermons, and having the Scripture passages right there in the book allows me to take notes right alongside the discussion questions that the group will be talking about.

Negatives:

1. The sermons are 30 minutes long. I’m not opposed to 30 minute sermons, but the problem that groups run into is that sermons of this length can eat into discussion times.

2. This curriculum is 12 weeks long. In my opinion, that’s too long. If it doesn’t connect with your group, you could be stuck with it for quite a while. But wait, you say…if my group doesn’t like it, couldn’t we just tank it and pick up another study?? Well… (see below)

3. It’s really expensive. The DVD set alone (3 DVDs) is $149.95. That’s Beth-Moore-expensive. I get it…Chandler and the team put a lot of time and effort into this series. And it’s probably worth every penny. But this price point keeps it out of a lot of people’s hands.

All-in-all, this is a great study. I’ve gone back and read (in my personal study time) the book of Philippians, and have found a greater depth and richness to my study after having gone through this series. This is really a 12-week immersion in the Bible. You hear it preached. You read it. You memorize it. You learn how to interpret/understand it a little better. You discuss it. You’re challenged to live it out.

Your small group needs to pick this study up.

Fixers

July 6, 2010 / Ben Reed / 4 Comments

I was running the other afternoon. In southern GA. Along the beach. I’ve got my headphones in, and I’ve been running for ~1 mile. I passed somebody who was walking the other direction on the sidewalk, and she started trying to have a conversation with me. All I picked up was, “Did you know it’s hot out here?”

Nope. Had no idea.

I’ve had people ask me if I knew I had a sunburn. “You should put more sunscreen on.”

I’ve had people tell me that my child is hungry. Tired. Cold. Hot. Ready to go. Wants to stay. Isn’t happy.

I’ve met with other leaders who, the moment we sit down, want to try to diagnose my leadership woes…even though we’ve never spoken before.

Ever met those people who try to fix everything? I do.

It happens in small group, too. You know the person I’m talking about. When a request is shared, they’re they first to offer a solution…not necessarily the first to offer to pray.

And for a long time, that bothered me.

But I’ve got a different perspective to offer. I now see this “fixer” mentality as an extension of the cultural mandate (or creation mandate) given in Genesis 1:28:

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

In addition to God creating the earth, He gave man a directive: fill the earth and subdue it (this is what theologians refer to as the cultural mandate). Rule over the earth on God’s behalf. Bear the image of God by exercising dominion over the earth (just as God himself does). This involves protecting, preserving, repairing, and promoting the health and wellbeing of living things here. In short: make sure things work.

So when something is broken, it should bother us. Whether that’s our house, our pet, our landscaping, the system of government that we find ourselves in, the systems of our organizations, or relationships with others, it should grate against something innate within us when we see brokenness. Because it grates something within God himself. And we are His image-bearers. Which means that when we’re bothered by brokenness, our hearts are in alignment with our Creator.

The small group “fixer” has a heart that is beating like his Creator’s. He sees something that’s not right, and immediately says, “I don’t like that this is broken. Let’s fix it!” Maybe she doesn’t go about it the right way. Maybe he’s too brash in his desire to repair. Maybe she comes across as offensive and unhelpful. Probably their eagerness needs to be tempered with wisdom. Probably they need to exercise grace. Probably they need to be quicker to offer up prayers. Probably they should be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19).

But their hearts are in the right place. And we would do well to remember this.

Ever met a “fixer”? Are you a “fixer”?