Author: Ben Reed (page 23 of 86)

This is awkward, but…can you help my marriage?

May 4, 2012 / / 13 Comments

Don’t miss out on my “This is awkward” series HERE.

Creative Commons user Marc Wathieu, edits mine

As a pastor, I’m supposed to have it all figured out.

I have a degree in theology.

I have been called to full-time vocational ministry.

I help other people work on their marriages.

I’ve even written blog posts about how to preach a marriage ceremony, for crying out loud.

But I don’t have it figured out.

My wife and I, in seasons of our marriage, have had to ask for help. Shore up some weaknesses. Make our marriage stronger. Get my wife to realize how awesome I am. 🙂

Does that mean we’re weak? And not where we need to be? And that we don’t have a perfect marriage? And that we don’t have all of the answers.

Yep. You bet it does.

Honest community

And we’re okay being honest about that. In being honest about times in our marriage when we needed help, we’re able to step alongside other couples and say, “It’s okay to ask for help. We have, too.”

There’s a perception that asking for help means you’ve got some sort of deficiency. That some disease has stricken your marriage, and now everybody looks at you like you’re a leper.

If that’s true, maybe it’s time to look for a new community where it’s okay to be yourself, scars and all.

It’s more than “okay” to ask for help in your marriage. In fact, I’d call it “wisdom.”

Time to wise up. Ask for some help from a couple that’s a little further down the road from you.

Ask them how they’ve worked through difficulties. How they’ve grown in their faith. How they’ve learned to argue well. How they’ve pointed their family to Jesus along the way.

Our marriages are too valuable to ignore our need for outside help.

The Spirit of God helps us in our weaknesses (Romans 8:26), and He often does that through others.

There’s no shame in asking for help.

Umm…this is awkward…but can you help me with my marriage?

 

 

 

 

To the guy who tries to “fix” everybody during prayer request time

May 3, 2012 / / 2 Comments

Stop it.

 

 

The stupidity of leading alone

May 2, 2012 / / 9 Comments

image credit: Creation Swap user http://creationswap.com/kconner

You, alone

are not the Church.

are bull-headed.

are prone to give up.

think you’re right.

are narrow-minded.

only have 24 hours in a day.

have only 2 ears to hear from God.

have only 1 life experience to draw from.

can blindly veer straight into foolishness.

easily slide into pride.

think you’re more amazing than you really are.

are alone.

 

You, together

collaborate.

curate the best ideas.

encourage one another.

refine processes.

think outside your box.

have 24 x ___ hours in a day.

have 2 x ____ ears to hear from God.

can build more relationships.

have multiple life experiences.

fight against pride that any one person is always “right.”

get more done.

pursue the most wisdom.

are the Church.

So quit trying to lead by yourself.

 

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. – Proverbs 15:22

 

Ron Swanson on building relationships

April 30, 2012 / / 2 Comments

image credit NBC.com

Ron Swanson, Parks Department Director in Pawnee, IL on NBC’s Parks & Rec, shares his wisdom on building relationships:

When people get a little too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them. – Ron Swanson

Pastors, we’ve got to be better at this. Write new names down. Save them to your phone. Ask for a bit of help.

But there’s no excuse to not remembering people’s names. “I’m just bad with names” doesn’t cut it. “I’m good with faces” doesn’t, either.

Name recognition shows you care nearly as much as any single act. Going out of your way to make this a priority builds bridges.

Don’t overlook the power of remembering someone’s name.

Question:

Are you good with names? Or is it a discipline you need to learn?

 

10 Simple Ways to Encourage your Pastor

April 26, 2012 / / 6 Comments

Truth: “Hey preacher man, good sermon!” is nice…but come on, we can do better than that, right?

We can do better than the shoulder squeeze with the solemn look in the eye. Better than the slow head nod of approval. Especially when we remember that our pastor spends hours each week pouring out their heart on stage, ministering to and in our communities, and shepherding hard-heads like us.

image credit: Creative Commons user ThisIsAGoodSign

The work of a pastor is often lonely, difficult work…we need your encouragement.

Encouragement isn’t that difficult, but it takes being intentional.

10 Ways to encourage your pastor:

1. Appreciate the work they do throughout the week, not just on Sunday. You know that being a pastor is more than a Sunday gig, right? We don’t love that you-only-work-one-day-a-week ribbing, by the way.

2. Take notes on Sunday. This is a great way to encourage your pastor…at least act like you’re going to work diligently to remember and apply their teaching.

3. Email them on Tuesday and let them know you’re still working through your notes from Sunday.

4. Deflect criticism on their behalf. Your pastor likely takes a lot of heat. Some may be deserved…much of it likely isn’t. Instead of joining in the criticism, stand up and show your pastor some love. Help others see the good side of your pastor.

5. Speak well of your local church. Your pastor takes great care and spends much effort to present and grow a beautiful local church. Speaking well of your church is a great way to encourage and honor the work your pastor’s done.

6. Serve. I don’t mean that you should necessarily bring your pastor dinner…you should serve others in your local church. This is unbelievably encouraging! Your pastor’s desire is not to be the only one who does ministry.

7. Pray for them. Often.

8. Speak well of their spouse. A pastor’s spouse is married to the ministry. They often do ministry themselves, and end up carrying the burden of their spouse as they lead. It’s a tough spot to be in. Speaking well of your pastor’s spouse helps your pastor feel like you’ve got their back.

9. Start consistently feeding them fresh preaching points every day. By email. And phone calls. And text messages. And Facebook wall posts.

10. Give generously. This is a fruit of faithful, biblical preaching…people growing up in their faith to the point where they’re generous with their financial resources. Give to your local church, yes. But give generously to others. “Don’t let your left hand know what your right is doing.” – Matthew 6:3

Not sure where to start? Pick one for this upcoming week, and bless your pastor. Your local church will be better because of your small investment.

image credit: Creative Commons user ThisIsAGoodSign

 

Pastors: no cheap shots

April 24, 2012 / / 15 Comments

Yesterday, I talked about an offending experience I had with my digi-Bible. I was directly offended, being the only person in the audience with an iPad…hearing the pastor theologically hammer my iPad as an illegitimate Bible.

This time, from a different preacher, I found myself offended in a different way.

In fact, I wasn’t personally offended. I was offended on behalf of someone else.

I guess you could say I was proxy offended. (or I was proxily offended? Can I get away with that grammatically? Is proxily even a word?)

image via Creation Swap user Daniel Romero

During his sermon, the pastor made an off-handed remark. Though off-handed, it had the desired effect.

It went like this:

The way we do things is…umm…not like other churches here in our community do things…”

He said this while rolling his eyes and shaking his head from side to side, pausing between the words “other” and “churches” for emphasis.

Everybody in the audience knew exactly which other church he was referring to. A handful chuckled. I winced in pain. The guy beside me whispered, “Are they talking about _____?”

He was pointing out a way of doing church services that he didn’t like. A personal preference that he didn’t care for. A programming difference that he had decided not to do in his context.

Instead of simply advocating for his method, he chose to rake another church (and their pastor) through the mud for a quick laugh and a longer-lasting insult.

Truth: It’s never okay to publicly criticize another ministry over a gray area. Never. (I even struggle with the idea of publicly criticizing another church over black-and-white issues. Seems like Matthew 18 would, instead, prompt me to have a redemption-minded conversation with them instead of public condemnation)

Not from the stage. Not in staff meeting. Not in a blog post.

Just because you can say something doesn’t mean you should.

Do what you’re called to do. Do it well. And when you have an opinion about another church…stuff it. Let it motivate you to do what you do even better.

You’d rather not be as “flashy”? Then don’t.

You’d rather not have as many programs? Then don’t.

You’d rather not have a keytar? Then don’t.

You’d rather focus more heavily on the homeless community? Then do.

You’d rather preach for 75 minutes? Then do.

You’d rather sing from hymnals? Then do.

When it’s a gray issue, leave it between that local congregation and God. Public condemnation tears the Kingdom apart.

Question: have you ever heard a pastor publicly criticize another local church?

 

 

Pastors: keep your “gray” areas off the stage

April 23, 2012 / / 108 Comments

I was visiting a church recently (which I encourage anyone on a church staff to do periodically…you’ll learn so much), and I got called out from stage.

I was minding my own business, when the theological hammer came crashing down on my head.

Let me state this first: I’m a pro-Bible guy. I’m for it. I read it. I glean wisdom and life from it. I’m convinced that it’s the very Word of God.

But I’m not convinced that it has to be printed on a page to be the Bible.

image credit: Creative Commons user BigD

The service started out like 99% of every other service in America…a few songs, announcements, prayer, another song, then the sermon.

Here’s how it started, “Please get out your Bibles and turn to ______. If you don’t have your Bible, we have them available at the back…”

Normal, right? Nothing odd yet.

“And when I say Bible, I don’t mean your iPhone or your iPad or your digital device. I mean your physical Bible.” (he was shaking his Bible high in the air by now) He was peering over his invisible reading glasses…right at me and my iPad.

“THIS (he holds his Bible higher and shakes it more ferociously) is how Jesus had his. I think that’s good enough for us, too.”

I wanted to say, “Well, actually, Jesus opened the scroll in the temple, and it didn’t look like that neat, leather-bound, small book you’ve got above your head…” but I didn’t. At least not out loud. 🙂

I looked around me, to the people sitting close by. I was the only one with a digi-Bible.

Uh oh. I knew I was in for a long service.

Shades of Gray

There’s nothing wrong with holding convictions about gray areas. Things like watching TV, sending your kids to public school, listening to secular music, or drinking alcohol.

Scripture doesn’t say anything specific about any of these actions. It neither forbids nor condones these actions. Scripture may speak in principles, and how we should operate with respect to our freedoms, but with each of these areas, it’s relatively silent. (to these areas, I’d counsel someone to chase hard after wisdom.)

Turns out that the Bible also doesn’t say that, for a “Bible” to be legitimate, it has to be in print form.

Does God’s Word cease to be God’s Word when it’s on a digital screen? When it’s spoken aloud? When it’s written on a banner at a ball game?

Pastor: when you hold up “gray” areas as if they’re black-and-white, right-or-wrong issues, you needlessly alienate people.

The offense of the Gospel

If you’re going to offend someone, offend them with love. So overwhelm them with love and grace that they’re disgusted by it. Preach the Gospel so clearly and winsomely that they’re turned off by a God who loves and cares for them that much. Offend them with a community that loves and accepts them for who they are…people made in God’s image. Offend them with radical forgiveness. Offend them with scandalous grace.

But don’t offend them over what type of media they use to access God’s Word.

They’re accessing God’s Word…let’s rejoice!

Don’t raise gray issues to the level of black-and-white. When you do, you’re speaking authoritatively where God has chosen to be silent. Which is not ground on which I want to find myself.

Question:

Have you ever heard a pastor speak authoritatively on “gray” issues?

* image credit: creative commons user BigD

 

 

10 Things to Do When You Get Tired in Church

April 21, 2012 / / 19 Comments

image via Creative Commons user Rosino

Ever get tired during a church service?

Don’t lie. You do.

Ever doze off? Ever act like you didn’t doze off, and think you fooled your friends?

Don’t lie.

I was speaking recently, and noticed a couple of guys in the back nodding off. I’m sure they had had a tough week. Probably had packed their day too full to worry with staying awake. I get it. I’m a young guy who’s got nothing to say to them, right? Nothing that they need to hear more than they need a quick shut-eye.

But there are a few things you can do when you get tired in church. Some preventative measures. Soem ninja-like moves that’ll fool the best of speakers. And some that reflect just how busy your life is.

If you ever have a tendency to get tired during a church service, I’ve got your answer.

What to do when you get tired in church

1. Get a cup of coffee. I call this the pre-emptive strike. You know you’re not going to make it, so you wisely load up on the caffeine.

2. ‘Pray’. Make a fist with both hands and put your forehead on it. You’ll look regal and holy, as if you’re under such great conviction and duress that all you can do is pray.

3. Shake your head up and down deeply. This is especially helpful if you actually doze off. This one just needs to be in your back pocket. It looks like you heartily agree with whatever was just said. Little do your neighbors know, you have no idea what was just said.

4. Start dancing in the aisles. That’ll get the blood going. Shout, scream, and let the Spirit take over. Not the one that causes you to fall asleep, though.

5. Ask your pastor to not preach boring sermons. That’s a joke. Kind of. 🙂

6. Two words: smelling salts. If you want to wake up, this will do the trick. Immediately.

7. Shout a loud, “Amen!” The moment your head bobs, let it rip. If the context works, you’re amazing. If it doesn’t, you’re mysterious, and people will wonder how you’re so holy that you found conviction in the sentence, “Turn your Bibles to _____.”

8. “Reach down to get something under your seat.” When you doze and your head falls down, act natural…you were only reaching down to pick something up off of the floor, right?

9. Play on your phone, and loudly whisper, “I’m using YouVersion.” If you don’t have a smartphone, this is a bit more difficult to pull off. Not a reason to not try it, though. Playing on your phone will keep you bright and alert.

10. Embrace it. Bring a neck pillow. Start to drool. Claim Sunday as a Sabbath and drink in a good nap.

Now you know what to do when you get tired in church.

No reason to go to bed earlier on a Saturday night.

No reason to try to engage more so you don’t doze off.

No reason to ask God to give you energy because you know you need to worship.

No, not you.

You’ve got a bag full of excuses.

And your time is too valuable to stay awake during a church service.

* image via Creative Commons user Rosino

 

An open letter to the social media junkie

April 20, 2012 / / 13 Comments

image credit: Creation Swap user David Lindner

Social media junkie,

It’s okay that I didn’t read your latest status. Really, it is. I’m not offended that you’ve written it…but don’t assume that I read it.

There’s so much information available today, I’m a bit overwhelmed. I’d love to say I have time to read everyone’s updates, but I don’t. And I think that’s okay. Even though you’re my friend. My good friend. Most of what you write I genuinely care about.

But it’s okay that I didn’t read your latest status update.

Because I didn’t read your latest status:

  • I can be genuinely surprised about the news in your life next time I see you.
  • We can have a conversation about the little things, and the big things, in your life.
  • We can laugh together, until we cry, over something hilarious your kid just did.
  • I can look you in the eye and tell you I appreciate you, rather than clicking “like” or ReTweeting your update.
  • Not reading your update allowed me to be engaged in playing Legos with my son.
  • Unless you’re going to offer me a bite of that burger, I don’t want to hear about it.

Keep posting on Facebook and Twitter. This is no indictment. Just don’t assume I, or anyone for that matter, read it all.

Signed,

 

 

Ben

 

 

This is awkward, but…how are you spending your money?

April 19, 2012 / / Comments Off on This is awkward, but…how are you spending your money?

Culture tells us that it’s not polite to talk about politics or religion at the dinner table.

Either of those topics brings about so much heat that people can too easily get offended to enjoy dinner. But you know what brings up even more heat than politics or religion?

Not “how’s your sex life?”

Not “How’s your present life?”

Not even, “I need some help.”

The question that brings up more heat is, “How are you spending your money?”

image credit: Creation Swap user Filip Ologeanu

You want to put someone on the hot seat, ask them this.

Ask them why they’ve decided to buy a new car, even though they don’t have any financial plan in place for a rainy day.

Ask them how many credit cards they currently have, and have maxed out.

Ask them why they feel ok buying their child every little thing they ask for, but have no sense of being generous to others.

Ask them how they’re doing at tithing.

Ask them how they’re stewarding the resources God’s given them.

When you ask any of these questions, be ready for someone to squirm.

Or punch you in the throat.

But these questions are so important. Not to be asked publicly, because that could cause enough embarrassment to sever a relationship. These are questions to be asked of someone that you have built trust with. Maybe someone you’re investing in spiritually. Definitely someone who trusts you with important things in life. This question is off limits in casual relationships…this question is evidence of a deeper, richer community.

Yes, these questions are awkward, but the way you handle your money says much about what you believe about God. Jesus says, “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” (Matthew 6:24) The way you handle your money reflects your belief.

It’s unbelievably easy for money to become an idol in our lives. And the more secretive we operate, the stronger our idol becomes.

Idols lose their power when they’re brought into the light.

Get ready to cause a little heat with this one. But dealing with heat now will help keep from flames later.

This is awkward, but…how are you spending your money?

 

 
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