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Parenting and community

If you’re a parent, I need you to repeat this after me.

I don’t have it all figured out.

And for those of you who feel awkward talking to your computer screen, here’s your second chance.

I don’t have it all figured out.

If you do feel like you have the role of parenting completely under control, please repeat this after me:

I am a liar.

And, finally, all together, please repeat this after me:

I can’t do this parenting thing on my own.

Author Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz) and Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries) walk through a series of discussions on a new small group curriculum that’s been released, Convergence: Where Life and Faith Meet. This particular study is about parenting and what the Bible has to say about raising kids, exploring how God designed parenting, the challenges we face, and the rewards that come helping kids grow up.

I particularly liked the discussion on parents being careful to not make idols out of their children (or even making idols out of the thought of having children). Viewing children as a means to be happy and fulfilled will ultimately leave you empty. And the pressure that we put on ourselves (and that society puts on us) to be the “perfect” parents can be spiritually and emotionally damaging when we find ourselves not living up.

But that’s where the beauty of “community” comes in. Because we can’t do this on our own. And it’s cool if you think you can just wing it ‘just-me-and-God’ style. But God’s given you a community (the Church) to live life with. Grow with. Receive help from. Learn from. Watch. Don’t neglect that gift.

These DVDs were intended to be worked through in the context of a small group. I see no better environment to implement these deep, life-altering, biblical parenting principles.

Still not convinced that this is a good curriculum? Consider this:

1. The videos are only 20 minutes long. When DVD-based curriculum gets longer than that, it begins to infringe on discussion time. 20 minutes works. It gives enough information to communicate an idea, but not so much that the group leader feels the need to squeeze discussion time.

2. There’s no cost to the group member. The only cost incurred is the DVD itself (which is a mere $15).

3. Both the leader’s guide and the participant’s discussion guide can be found online for each study (by clicking HERE). All you have to do is print it off, and you’re good to go.

4. There’s no real homework to be done from week to week. Instead of needing to spend hours pouring over the specific material (which can, by some, be seen as busy work), group members can show up and immediately jump into the conversation. Don’t take this to mean that the studies aren’t challenging, or don’t require any work. It just means that you won’t feel like an outsider in the discussion if you haven’t “done your homework.” And though a homework-heavy study may be the right call for your group in some seasons, a homework-light study can be incredibly refreshing.

5. The questions are short, and elicit discussion. Some curriculum writers feel the need to control the answers of group members. Their goal is not necessarily group discussion. Rather, they want group members to parrot back a certain answer, which makes group discussion much cleaner and simpler. But not necessarily more helpful. Phrasing questions in a way that spurs discussion is incredibly difficult, and often leads to messier discussions, but I’ve had much greater fruit in those types of discussions than in the ones in which, realistically, there was only one “right” answer.

6. Don Miller is really good at interviewing/conversing. He represents the “everyday Christian” really well, and seems to ask the “right” questions to spur the dialog with the person(s) he’s interviewing.

7. There’s a specific Scripture connected with each lesson that your group can wrestle through.

Still not convinced? Then allow me to give you a free copy. The first 25 people that visit AllThingsConverge.com and use my last name, Reed, in the checkout, will get 1 free video download. Come on…you can’t beat that, can you?

Be sure to check out the next stop on this blog tour, a good friend of mine, Will Johnston. He’s reviewed the curriculum, too, HERE. And while you’re at it, go ahead and subscribe to his blog (his RSS feed is right HERE)…you won’t be disappointed.

Check out this promo video from the parenting DVD I’ve reviewed here:

Parenting: Helping Your Kids to Become Adults Trailer from All Things Converge on Vimeo.

The Linchpin

November 4, 2010 / Ben Reed / 7 Comments

My pastor, Ron Edmondson, often says that we as a church staff need to be at the point where, if any of our staff members disappeared tomorrow, we could carry on without missing a beat. I’ve heard him say that a lot, and I almost saw it put into practice in my own life just a few months ago.

I was stuck in London because of a volcano.

I put that sentence in there twice so you would know it wasn’t a typo. I mentioned it in my post HERE, and you can read the Guardian’s article HERE. Welcome to my life.

Based on my original flight schedule, I was planning on being back ~a week earlier than our upcoming small group launch, but this volcano was threatening my on-time arrival. Needless to say, I was a little concerned. About as concerned as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs (as we say in the South).

I was talking back and forth with our staff, updating them on our lack of progress, and beginning to think about the possibility of pushing back our small groups launch. Then Ron dropped this bomb in my lap via email:

I hate that you can’t be there, but we have to be prepared enough that we don’t revolve around one of us being there or not being there. Something could always happen like this and the ministry must go on… There are some things just out of our control.

Basically, what I heard was, “You’re dispensable.” Mark my words: our staff could’ve pulled this event off, and it would’ve been awesome. I have no doubt. But hearing that was difficult. Why?

Not because I want to be important, or need to feel powerful. Or because I’m narcissistic and think that the ministry has to revolve around me, and I have to be in the spotlight. Honestly, I’m not a spotlight guy…I’m content spending my hours in the background. But here’s why it bothered me:

I want to be a linchpin.

A linchpin* is a fastener that secures the add-on at the business end of a tractor. It’s a small piece, but without it, you can’t do much with your tractor, and your tools will continually fall off. It’s an irreplaceable piece of equipment that allows more work to be done more efficiently.

And that’s what I’m working to do in my current position at Grace Community Church.

I want to be doing meaningful, Kingdom-building work in a way that fits my gifting…with all of my might. I want to innovate, create, encourage, and train in such a way that, if I disappeared tomorrow, it would be noticed. And I say that with every ounce of humility I can muster. I want to become indispensable.

I feel that if I’m not working to become indispensable, I’m not serving the Church well. I’m just doing a job, punching the clock, and doing mediocre work. My good friend Matt Harmer rightly warns that

Being average is contagious.

I just can’t see how God is pleased with mediocre, half-hearted work.

And I’m convinced that if you’re not working to become a linchpin, you need to start working differently. Or find a new job.

Ever been caught in the trap of mediocre work?

Is God ever pleased with half-hearted mediocrity?

*I read Seth Godin’s Linchpin when it was released earlier this year, so I don’t claim creative rights to this idea…though the story is most definitely mine.

Decision paralysis

September 30, 2010 / Ben Reed / 6 Comments

Last night, my wife and I tried out a new restaurant in town. We love trying new places, and sushi is one of our favorites. So when we found out about a Japanese fusion restaurant (I’m still not exactly sure what that means, even after eating there), we were stoked.

When we sat down, we began to look at the menu (which, mind you, was in English). I flipped past the first page. Then on to page 2…then 3…and on to the 4th, 5th, and 6th pages. Then back to 1. Then to 2…and so on. I did this 4 times…I’m not kidding. Our waiter approached the table and asked, “Are you ready to order?” And you know what my decision was? “Sorry, I’m not quite ready yet.” When the waiter returned a couple minutes later, I had the same reply. And I was no closer to ordering than when I walked into the restaurant. Why?

I had decision paralysis.

There were so many choices that I just couldn’t decide what I wanted. My guess is that there were over 100 menu items, each with a sentence or two description. I was overwhelmed. Hence, I couldn’t make a decision.

It had nothing to do with the fact that I was torn between a couple of different items, with one good and another bad. In fact, I have no doubt (based on how good our food was) that all of their food is superb. I just couldn’t decide what I wanted.

Think I’m weird? The other 5 people at the table had the same problem when they were ordering. There were just too many choices.

And I think we fall into that same trap in our churches. It seems like a good idea, right? Offering a program that fits each person’s given wants seems intuitive. Going the simple route is counter-intuitive.

But if you try to be all things to all people, you’ll leave people confused. Paralyzed. Unable to move. Not sure which direction to take.

Take a look at your current discipleship structure. Work your strategy so that you help your church grow healthy disciples, but don’t leave them so overwhelmed by choices that they end up making no choice. By simplifying your structure, you leave room for people to invest in their families and community. It also allows you (church leadership) to devote all of your energy towards that one discipleship plan, and execute it with excellence.

I’m all about simplifying. Maybe it’s time that your church or organization let dead programs go ahead and die. Or start doing away with programs that aren’t accomplishing your strategy anymore.

By offering less, you can actually offer more.

But maybe I’m off base. What do you think?

Ever been a part of a church or organization that offered too many options?

Bears, Bulls, and small groups

September 27, 2010 / Ben Reed / 2 Comments

This is going to be a great resource when it’s released, but until then, you’ll have to simply enjoy a new clip. It will be released in January 2011 by Lifeway Christian Resources, and will be called Building Biblical Community.

Here, Steve Gladen and Bill Donahue give an example of how to not listen well. Then give a brief example and explanation of how we should listen well.

Enjoy!

At least it’s worse than mine

September 21, 2010 / Ben Reed / 4 Comments

Ever seen the show Hoarding: Buried Alive?

If you want to feel much better about the socks you have on your floor and your unmade bed, go ahead and watch this show. As my wife and I watched it, I honestly was blown away at the trash that has piled up in these people’s homes. It’s so visible to everybody else that there’s a problem here. But check out this quote from one of the people highlighted on the show:

I just found out I’m a hoarder.

My response to the TV (come on…I’m not the only one that talks to the TV, am I?) at that point:

Seriously?

The camera pans out to her living room, almost filled to the ceiling with stuff, with a pathway just barely wide enough to walk through to get from the front door to the kitchen. The kitchen table is so full that it can’t be eaten on (and hasn’t been for 6 years). In order to get into the bedroom, she has to move bags of more stuff and a cabinet. When the bedroom door opens, more stuff is piled nearly to the ceiling. Her husband hasn’t lived at home (because of the hoarding) for years, and her children are suffering as well, with one son saying lamenting the fact that he can’t ever have any friends over to hang out.

She’s just now realizing she’s got a problem?!?

Can I get a collective, “Wow. That’s sad. That’s so messed up.” Go ahead…everybody say it together…

Isn’t it so easy to notice someone else’s sin? It sticks out like a sore thumb (their thumb, not ours…if it were our sore thumb, we’d probably notice it). And it’s almost comical that they don’t see it themselves, right?

The flip side of that coin must be true as well…you have faults that are obvious to those around you, yet you go on not noticing them. Others look on and wonder, “How does he not notice?” … “Does she not even care?”

Why do we like to find people that have sins that are “worse” than ours? Because it helps us feel better about ourselves, easing our consciences. And it keeps our own struggles at bay. If there’s somebody out there worse than me, I don’t have to worry, because me and God…we must be good. Because God grades on the curve, right?

Which explains why in our churches, small groups, family gatherings, and circles of friends, it’s easier to say, “You’re not allowed” than to say, “I’ll walk this journey with you.”

We need others to help us see ourselves for who we really are…and are willing to say, “You’ve got mustard on your face.” Because our hearts are deceitful…even to ourselves (Jeremiah 17:9). We can walk through life thinking we’re pretty awesome…and other people are pretty rotten. And shows like Hoarding:Buried Alive only amplify that tendency. But if we have people in our lives that love us, encourage us, and are willing to walk through the junk with us…life’s much easier.

My sin’s not worse than yours. Yours isn’t worse than mine. We’re on this journey of the Christian life together.

And we’re better together than on our own.

Introverts, Extroverts, and small groups part 4

August 23, 2010 / Ben Reed / 0 Comments

I’ve posted HERE, HERE, and HERE about the ways that small groups are difficult for you whether you’re introverted or extroverted. In closing, here are a few things to remember:

1. Being introverted or extroverted isn’t a sin. It’s just how God made you. Don’t let anybody criticize you for your wiring in this area.

2. The Church needs both introverts and extroverts. Without both, things can get out of balance.

3. You need small group life. When the Bible talks about our need for authentic community (see Acts 2:42-47; Hebrews 10:24-25; the “one anothers“) it doesn’t distinguish that need to just one personality type. The Church is a diverse body with diverse needs…but we all have the need for community, because our need for community is rooted in God’s design, not in a personality type. Our need for community is not a result of the Fall (though it’s certainly complicated by the Fall), rather rooted in the fact God lives in community (the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit living in perfect community at all times) and has designed us with that need. Using your personality isn’t a valid excuse to not plugging into the life of the body of Christ (the Church). There will be difficulties along the way, for sure. And at times, you’ll find yourself wanting to back out because it’s too tough. But when you press on through that difficulty, I’m convinced you’ll find biblical community life-transforming.

Find a group of people. It may be 3. Or it may be 23. But find a small group of people that you can grow with, that love you, will encourage and admonish you, and that you can serve.

Whether you’re and introvert or an extrovert.

SmallGroups.com & Goofy Words

August 11, 2010 / Ben Reed / 4 Comments

There are certain things I say that make me feel like I’m giving up my man card.

I tweet.

I use Hootsuite.

I have Twittelator on my phone.

Scripty (as in Scripty Goddess’ scaler HERE) is a tool I use on my blog.

Accountabili-buddy (a word my small group has coined).

Part of me likes Ikea.** (see below)

I have never seen Godfather.

I own Crocs.

I tend a garden.

I read a digizine.

It’s after saying the above phrases that I have to go outside and blow something up. Or go grill something. Or smoke a cigarette.

I’ve found myself saying “Digizine” more and more often. Sometimes, it’s just random…while I’m walking around, before I go to bed, after I eat dinner. It’s kind of fun…go ahead, try it.

I’ve been saying “Digizine” more and more because I’m completely blown away by SmallGroups.com ‘s new digital magazine (get a copy HERE).

Why is this digizine so great?

The content is superb. This issue contains articles by Sam O’Neal (managing editor of SmallGroups.com, a division of Christianity Today), John Ortberg(pastor at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, and author of numerous books), and Pat Sikora (founder of Mighty Oak Ministries).

The advertisements are great. Since I live and breathe small groups, ads that are about small groups are right up my alley. They appeal to small group leaders and small group pastors.

There are videos embedded in the digizine. You’re not going to get that in a magazine. And if you could…it would be weird to see a small video screen in a magazine you get in the mail. So instead of just reading an interview with Mark Batterson and Heather Zempel, you can actually watch it…right there on the same page.

It’s digital. Anything that’s digital is cooler, right? Case in point: digital clocks. Digital means means I can read it anywhere…and not wonder, “Where did I leave that magazine?”

But here’s one thing I wish was included:

Social networking ability. Give me the ability to tweet (see…there I go again…giving up yet another man card) what I’m reading. Make it easy for me to share this content with my followers. I want to share insights I get from around the internet…this digizine doesn’t readily give me that opportunity.

You need to get this free resource. If for no other reason that it gives you the opportunity to tell people you read digizines.

**Let it be known, I am a man. When I get stuff from Ikea, I don’t even use the instruction book. Bam.

Holy Vocabulary, a giveaway

July 30, 2010 / Ben Reed / 22 Comments

I wrote a review of Michael Kelley’s latest release from Threads Media, called Holy Vocabulary, for Ron Edmondson’s blog. Make sure you hop over and read it HERE.

If you’d like a free copy of the book, I’m giving away 1 leader’s pack and 2 individual books! All you have to do is:

1. Retweet this post on Twitter. You can say something like “Win Michael Kelley’s book Holy Vocabulary on @BenReed ‘s post today: http://ow.ly/2iKXp”
2. Comment on this post with your email address or Twitter name.

I’ll randomly choose 3 winners tomorrow morning at 8:00 am.

In the meantime, check out this promo video from Threads Media.

Holy Vocabulary Promo from Threads on Vimeo.

Small Groups & Communion

June 17, 2010 / Ben Reed / 4 Comments

Eating the equivalent of a savory version of Listerine Breath Strip and drinking half of an espresso shot of wine (or grape juice, for us Baptists) is a huge deal in the Church today.

For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes. (1 Corinthians 11:26)

The weight a local church places on communion (a.k.a., the Lord’s Supper, the Eucharist), the frequency it’s practiced, who administers it, how it is administered, whether it’s fresh bread or stale, the effect (or affect…I never know which to use) it has on a person’s life (the removal of sin, a dispensation of grace, a memorialization, etc.), what happens in the bread and wine (does it change from its visible form to the actual body and blood of Christ?), among other debates points to the significance of this symbolic post-breakfast, incredibly light and untasty, snack.

One thing I’m working through at Grace is the idea of small groups holding communion with their group. I know that many people will throw up red flags at the very thought of communion happening outside of the walls of a church building, administered by someone not on a church staff. But hear me out.

It seems to make sense for a few reasons.

Why it makes sense to encourage communion in small groups:

1. It’s difficult to do on Sunday mornings because of the way our theater is set up. Holding services in a school has its limitations, and the logistics of pulling off the Lord’s Supper is a difficult one. We’ve tried many different ways, and to be honest, none has worked exceedingly well.

2. It doesn’t feel intimate. It loses its relational edge in a Sunday morning gathering environment.

3. Our services are 1 hour long. In order to do communion “right” (giving it its proper place, explaining its significance, giving people space to process, celebrating, etc.), it takes some time. And in a 1 hour service, either everything is rushed or various parts are cut out, neither of which is desirable. Small groups afford much more time.

4. We don’t hold communion with great frequency. Why not? See above reasons.

5. We ask our small group leaders to act as shepherd leaders. It makes great sense for them to administer this with their groups.

6. Life change is happening at the small group level. One beautiful way of acknowledging and celebrating the change that Christ is making, and has made, in a person’s life, is through celebrating the death, burial, and resurrection (communion) together.

7. Small groups can practice communion as often as they would like.

8. The relational aspect of the Lord’s Supper can really happen in a small group environment. In a large group setting (Sunday mornings), often the relational side of communing together just can’t happen.

Some concerns that will be brought up:

1. We’ve never done it this way before. It’s not what we’re used to.

2. In a small group, it’s outside of the direct oversight of the church leadership/elders.

3. It could get really messy really quickly. If you have small group leaders who don’t know what they’re doing, they could wrongly administer the Lord’s Supper. (see 1 Corinthians 11:27-32)

4. It’s not biblical.

I’ll follow up this post with my thoughts concerning each of the above objections.

What do you think? Is it right (and good) for small groups to administer the Lord’s Supper? Or is a dangerous, non-biblical slope you’re not willing to go down?