Pain hurts: a reflection on our miscarriage

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I originally posted this 2 years ago. My wife and I are coming up on the 2-year mark for this portion of our stories, but with the massive changes in our lives recently (I’m now on staff at Long Hollow), I wanted to share this again. Just so you know, this was, and is, a painful part of our story.


It wasn’t just a miscarriage. It didn’t feel like we were “losing a pregnancy.” It felt like we were losing a baby.

Those are the words I’ve uttered countless times to countless people. As the news eked in through little spurts of information from multiple ultrasounds and blood tests, what we feared became a reality. “It’s not a viable pregnancy” didn’t make the pain or reality disappear. It didn’t make the baby growing inside my wife any less of a human.

Earlier this year, my wife experienced the most pain we’ve experienced in our marriage. My wife processed it out loud on my blog HERE.

Though the pain wasn’t as visceral for me, it was no less real. Through the process, I learned some valuable lessons.

Lessons I learned through a miscarriage

Every life is a gift.

I value my own life, and especially the life of my won, so much more now. It’s so much more valuable.

Every life is miracle.

Seeing that this whole pregnancy/birthing process doesn’t just happen automatically has really helped me see how each and every birth is a great miracle.

Experiencing a miscarriage is a real loss.

Not that I didn’t understand this from a theological, academic standpoint. But going through it myself, experiencing that loss, has given me a greater understanding of how to minister to people who are experiencing this. We had talked about the difficulty of miscarriages in seminary. But it was all theory. And I know that someone doesn’t have to go through every difficulty before they can help someone else. But there’s a different weight, a different level of help, that you give once you’ve experienced the exact pain that another person is experiencing.

There’s no “getting over” this.

I dont’ think it’s possible to really “get over” this loss. You can move on. You can grow. But to think that you can “get over” this as if it never really happened is foolish. Anytime you experience significant pain, the answer in coping is learning how to deal with life differently, because life has been altered.

My wife and I are doing well. We’ve grown because of this. Grown in ways we probably wouldn’t have otherwise.

We’ve still not had the joy of getting pregnant again. Maybe God will see fit for us to head back down that path. But maybe not.

Regardless, we’re trusting Him.

*photo credit Creation Swap user: Joe Cavazos



Christ follower, husband, father, writer, small groups pastor at Saddleback Community Church. Communications director for the Small Group Network.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • Jason Vana

    My cousin and her husband went through this last August, after having tried and believed for three years to have a baby. I’ve never experienced it myself, but I’ve seen first hand how real the pain is and how much it hurts.

    I’m glad to see you guys are still trusting God in the midst of it. 

    • Ben Reed

      It’s a tough time for sure. I am certain your cousin and husband appreciated you being there. Community is much-needed during that pain.

  • ThatGuyKC

    Thank you for being transparent and vulnerable. My wife and I have not had to walk down this path, but as we try for another baby it’s a real fear that I have.

    Will be praying for you to as your trusting God and healing together.

    • Ben Reed

      Thanks KC…I pray you’ll never have to.

  • TMZ

    Being young and ignorant (and single) I didn’t grasp the impact of miscarriages on marriage. I’ll never forget this service at college my freshman year, hearing our campus minister announce that he and his wife had recently suffered through a miscarriage. It was one of the most eye-opening / heart-opening things I’d ever witnessed, to see the pain etched into his face as he asked for prayer.

    An awesome testimony that you and your wife are trusting God with this situation. In my prayers.

    • Ben Reed

      Thanks so much for the prayers.