When God brings you through pain and suffering and confusion, you’re marked forever. You’re not the same person. You don’t process life the same. You don’t grieve the same. You don’t celebrate the same. You don’t see other people the same way.
Experiencing a miscarriage has caused me to treat women, and couples, differently. I’m more cautious when talking with them about children. I think before I speak about pregnancy. I don’t bring up the idea of children with couples that don’t have any, unless they bring it up first. There are certain questions I don’t ask and statements I don’t make. There are jokes that I refuse to say, or laugh at. Ever.
I’ve found that there are certain questions you should never ask a woman, whether she has 4 children or none. Whether she’s pregnant or single. Young or old.
How did I learn you should never ask these?
My wife and I have been asked (or heard others being asked) each of these. In church. At Starbucks. At the grocery store. Over the phone. Or in an email. And there’s something inside of me that burns with anger when we’re asked. I know that most of the time, these questions are harmless.
But they’re hurtful. They bring up past pain and suffering. They bring up current pain and suffering. They remind us that we may never, ever give birth again.
If you want to walk through life with people in a way that builds healthy relationships, take note…and never say these things.
Things you should never say to a woman
Have you thought about having kids?
When are you going to start your family?
By the time we were your age, we had __ kids already!
You know it only gets harder to have kids the older you get, right?
What’s wrong with you, that you guys haven’t had kids yet?
You’ll never know what real parenting is until you have more than one.
Are you just not ready for another child?
Are you just being selfish? Why don’t you want children?
You guys would make great parents.
It’s about time you guys had a baby. The clock’s ticking!
To people specifically dealing with infertility
I know exactly what you’re going through…
We had 3 miscarriages before we had…
You can always adopt.
At least you have one child already.
Did you know that there are doctors out there that can fix you?
When are you going to try to have another kid?
Having one miscarriage doesn’t mean you’re done. Just keep trying!
Well, at least you’ve got each other.
Have you ever been asked hurtful questions about your children/pregnancy?