10 Ways to Ensure I’ll Never Revisit your Church

August 1, 2012 / Ben Reed / 51 Comments

I’ve visited a lot of churches. I’m always looking for ways that our whole church can improve.

It’s amazing what a fresh set of eyes can find.

It’s one thing to get people in the door once. But to get someone to visit again, and begin to call your church their home? Much tougher.

photo credit: Flickr User “The Snige”

We’re still trying to figure out ways to ensure people stick, but there are a few things we’ve learned that will guarantee someone won’t come back.

10 Ways to Ensure I’ll Never Revisit your Church

1. Offer no easy way to plug in to community.

Don’t tell me about small groups. Make me wait forever to plug in…or make me do extensive work to even figure out what kind of groups you offer.

2. Don’t be welcoming in the parking lot.

Just do your job, don’t speak to me as I walk in, and offer a bit of a “it-is-early-on-a-Sunday-morning” scowl.

3. Don’t acknowledge I’m in the service.

Give no head nod to “first timers,” “visitors,” or “folks just checking us out.” In fact, just speak to the inner core, the “members.”

4. Acknowledge me too much.

Call me out and have me stand up. Ask me to publicly share my name and darkest secrets.

5. Don’t give much thought or care to your kids ministry.

People don’t care if their children are safe, watched after, and learn the Bible. Nope. Let them run amuck.

6. Pass the offering bucket twice.

Or thrice. And shame me into giving you money.

7. Don’t share the Gospel, or challenge me spiritually.

Because that’s not why people come to church is it…to be stretched to grow spiritually, is it? Oh, wait, maybe that’s one of the main reasons they show up…

8. Ask me to give me your email address, then spam me.

Overwhelm me, starting on Monday morning, with news from every single ministry your church has ever offered.

9. Visit me at home.

Show up during dinner time, if you can. Or while I’m trying to put my son to bed. That would be ideal, please. Our generation loves the random church-member pop-in when we aren’t even sure we like your church. Love. It.

10. Pastor: disappear as soon as you finish preaching.

Go back to the greenroom. Or Starbucks. But don’t position yourself in the hallway. You are a diva, after all.

Note: If you want visitors to return, be warm and inviting. Challenge people to grow. Offer various opportunities to plug in and serve. Then get out of the way and give people the chance to explore.

Question:

Ever had a bad experience while visiting a church?

Church, Leadership, SmallGroups

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Jason Vana

I’ve had almost every one of these happen to me while visiting churches, minus the kids ministry because, well, I don’t have kids so I dont really pay attention to that. A church is meant to be a place where people feel they can belong. These practices do anything but make you feel welcome.
- Ben Reed
  
  So true, Jason. A local church should be one of the most welcoming, inviting places on the planet.
  - Ms. Bridget D. Ellerbe
    
    The Word of God says ” if you have aught with any man tell him, and if he refuses to listen, take a witness, then tell the elders…
    It also says to forgive, 7×70- I forgive you.
    - Ben Reed
      
      Thanks for the comment, Bridget. Help me out, though. I’m trying to make the connection between forgiveness and this post. I think I’m missing something.
Gregg Peter Farah

11. Tell me I’m sitting in your seat. Then get an usher to help your cause when I refuse to move.
12. Talk to all of your friends. Even though you see I’m standing by myself and have no one to talk to, turn your back to me and hope I go away.

Ben, great post! Thanks!
- Ben Reed
  
  Yes…11 & 12, for sure!!
vince

what catches my eyes first is how people in that church behave especially during the sermon.
- Ben Reed
  
  Yes, that’s a huge indicator, Vince. Good point.
Mark Isbell

I have had a couple of discussions about visiting people in homes.. I find people over 50 expect you to visit and are offended if you don’t, and people under 50 don’t want you to visit unless invited. I find it usually has to do with work and children.
- Ben Reed
  
  Yes, I think you’re right, Mark. I believe it’s a generational thing.
- John Mark Harris
  
  I’d hit it more like “40s”(depending on the “church culture” of the community) but, yes, depending on the kids. If they are teenagers, go visit, if they’re toddlers, call and set a convenient time/place to chat.
Margaret

One of my friends visited a church where people got up and walked down the middle of the aisle to deposit their money in a bucket down at the very front. She didn’t know whether to make eye contact with those parading back to their seats or to look down at her shoes. Though they came back for another visit, she and her husband didn’t end up joining the church.
- Ben Reed
  
  That’s awkward, Margaret. I’m not judging their motives, but a setup like that seems like it could be gearing people up for giving so that others see that they’re giving.
  
  And that’s incredibly dangerous.
  - pated21
    
    Yeah… That’s definitely something that you would only want to do when you don’t have visitors…
    - Ben Reed
      
      And hopefully you’ve always got visitors, right?!?
ted h.

13. converge on me after the service with a minimum of two people. Instead of just asking my name and saying you’re glad I came, ask me EVERYTHING you can think of because that REALLY shows concern for me.(and gives you something for “prayer” later….) You know….how many kids, where do you work, how long, own or rent, favorite sports team, favorite resturant, kind of car I drive, political stance, where is my husband/wife, are they christian? Am I?…….

Great post btw…..
- Ben Reed
  
  Yes, love it, Ted!
Michelle Dacus Lesley

Totally agree with #9. We once visited a new church just as we were moving into a new house. Being a life long Southern Baptist, I should have known better than to fill in my address on a visitor’s card, because Monday night is always visitation.

When the visitation team rang our doorbell, I was dirty, sweaty, and tired. No makeup, no shower, crazy hair. Nobody in that condition likes an unannounced visit from strangers. We did end up joining that church, though :0)
- Ben Reed
  
  Ha! Gotta love Monday night visitation!
John Mark Harris

So there’s no place for a “home visit” anymore? What about by appointment?
- Ben Reed
  
  The appointment thing is not a bad idea. I’d just like to give people the freedom to operate on their time, not mine.
  
  Showing up unannounced at someone’s home is usually not well-accepted in our culture. At least in my experience.
  - reformedsteve
    
    @Ben If you are the pastor (assuming you are) than of course your home visits aren’t well accepted. You are, as one pastor said, the hired gun. Send some members over there, ideally folks who live close enough to be considered neighbors. Your people should be living and loving Jesus in their community anyway.
    - Ben Reed
      
      That’s true, Steve. I’m viewed as the “hired gun.” But I wonder if our generation appreciates the home visit even from a church member. I’m not sure if they do. I’m believing that there are better ways to shepherd people, and help them feel warm and loved.
      
      But I could be wrong. I’m totally open to that. You think home visits still work?
      - Rusty Keltner
        
        I think it has more to do with the perception of the visit. Are these people really interested in me and my family or are they trying to sell me their church.
      - Charyse
        
        For me, being invited to someone else’s would be much better than worrying about cleaning my house even with an appointment!
      - Ben Reed
        
        Ha!
      - John Mark Harris
        
        I always bring a gift. Coffee mug with coffee and church info. That way I’m not there to “visit” just bring a gift. If they invite me in, that’s their business, if not, I start backing up once I give the gift… I’ve found it very appreciated.
Hope Griffin

I think it should feel like family when you walk in. One thing that always gets us is when we are able to connect with another couple in our first few visits. The church I’m at now we were invited to lunch at a couple’s home on the first Sunday we came! We never tried anywhere else after that. It just felt like home.
- Ben Reed
  
  Love it, Hope!
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Gloria

I agree with everything you have stated, so I’ll just add by saying that as a foreign national and an ethnic minority, it is contentious, politically charged, suggestive and HUGELY infuriating, (not to mention just downright prying) to ask people, “Where are you from, originally?” or “Where were your parents born”… In essence, OTHERING has no place in a Church. I have attended so many Churches where someone dreamed up that a good way to measure “diversity” would be to compile a database of all the places everyone comes from so they ask for Nationality on the information card. That is sensitive information, even if you want to use it to offer translation services (which I utilise and appreciate at my multi-lingual Church), but I think that there are other ways to pay attention to specific ethno/linguistic/cultural needs of visitors without constantly treating those who are not the same race as you like you are conducting a government-sanctioned census.
Sean Flaherty

Hey Ben!!! Great article!!! Although I don’t have to be greeted in the parking lot but atleast at the door. I love number 10- the Green Room. I think they are unbiblical and I would def never go to a church that has one. In fact there’s a mega church here in Charlotte, NC where the pastor is so infatuated with himself that he has one and has no connection to his church only staff and never greets them. Sad really. Humble, servant shepherds not mega star diva treatment are what we need in the pulpit today.
- Ben Reed
  
  Humility is a great, necessary character quality of great pastors!
Paul Belk

I attended a smaller church (under 200 people) during college. After the service the pastor would stand at the exit shaking hands. He said more than a few times to me, “Great to have you! Is this your first time?!” I’d been going there for two years. Such a facade.
- Ben Reed
  
  That’s tough, Paul. Remembering names is hard, but we pastors should strive at it with great vigor, for sure.
Scott Yelvington

10 is wrong. pastors have families and need a break also. they’re on call 24/7 and take office visits 7 days a week. after the sermon is over, their family and children are often waiting for them so they can also get away from the crowd of people who are prying and fawning over them and enjoy the tiniest bit of their weekend. we are not meat nor are we mannequins.
- Ben Reed
  
  You’re right, that pastors have families and need breaks. But that’s not the point I was making.
  
  I wrote about a pastor and the need for them to invest in their family, not just their local church: http://www.benreed.net/index.php/2012/12/11/11-encouragements-young-pastors-need-to-hear/
  
  The point I was making was that it’s good for a pastor to interact with people on Sunday mornings, and not just look at his Sunday work as preaching/teaching. 15 minutes in the hallway after a service can go a long ways in shepherding people.
megs3782

This is so great! Awesome post!
- Ben Reed
  
  Thanks!
Elizabeth Rawlings

I once pulled into a church that had VIP parking for VIP members, but no visitors parking. I drove right out of the parking lot and had “church” by listening to Garrison Keillor (I’m Lutheran. I know it’s not church, but sometimes I pretend).
- Ben Reed
  
  Ha!
TedS.

“10. Pastor: disappear as soon as you finish preaching…”

Not sure you are correct on #10 Ben. Seems that the “lead” pastor of “the fastest growing church in the least churched city in America” with 14 or something locations does just that. After the service he is hustled out the back doors through a phalanx of muscle-bound security guards wearing black. No schmoozing and hand-shaking with the flock for him! People just keep coming back for more.
- Ben Reed
  
  But there are still times when he interacts with people who aren’t just staff. People who are messy and broken. I’m sure that he does.
  
  There are times and circumstances where #10 may not always be true for your pastor. But that pastor has got to find time to interact with the congregation, beyond just teaching on Sunday mornings.
  
  I’m sure that pastor does that.
Scott

Though I do not necessarily disagree with the above points, I have found at times no matter what you may do as a church to welcome visitors and try to walk that fine line of being friendly without being over bearing, there will be some who will find fault with something. After 20 years of ministry, I have learned all I can do is present the Truth /Gospel in love and hopefully those who visit detect a sincere warmth from many in our congregation, and depend on the Spirit of God to do His work. It is not my church, but Christ’s, it was not my blood that was shed for the sake of the Church, it was His. And I am certainly not the one who is building it… I am merely a servant-shepherd equip the saints for ministry.
- Ben Reed
  
  Sounds like you’re doing an amazing job leading people towards Jesus, Scott. I love it!
  
  Not sure which point you disagree with, but it sounds like we’re headed in the same direction.
  - Scott
    
    I do not take issue with any of the 10 points as I have found myself saying some of those same things. I am not certain, however, if I do everything “right” when dealing with visitors that it will guarantee that they will return. Essentially, that was my point. Your post was good food for thought on this issue.
JimmyYO

The truth is people will make infinite excuses not to come to church(see above). Unfortunately for some, people are involved in church and because people aren’t perfect neither are any churches.

So you can either deal with the fact you may occasionally get offended in church, for whatever reason, or you can spend the rest of your Christian walk wondering why every church is so much more wrong then you are.
- Ben Reed
  
  Yes, at some point you have to realize this. I just want to do everything in my power, knowing it’s not ultimately in my hands, but God’s, to give you a healthy experience in our local church.
Ruthie

As someone who has not found a church family but has visited 4 potential new churches this year, (we moved last year), I am extremely annoyed by the DROP-IN visitor within a week of visiting the church. I work from home and had a VERY casual day, in which I cleaned my home at lunch. I had work out clothes on, hair in a bun, sweaty, you name it….and right before dinner, DING DONG…Hi we are from the church you visited yesterday. (Will never put my name on the card again). BTW…I put my email on the card. A much less invasive way to reach out without catching a woman bra-less or with their hair in curlers might be to email. “Hi, this is ???. We met when you dropped your kids off at the nursery. Just thought I’d send you a quick note to say we enjoyed having your little “billy” in the class and should you decide to come back or want to get plugged in, I’d be happy to introduce you to other members with some small children or suggest a home group”. Thanks again for visiting. My husband did not grow up in the church and is in a “seeking” phase. This type of invasive outreach feels cultish. The only church he will consider going to with me is the Methodist Church, since they are the only ones that have not harrassed us at our home. The Southern Baptist was the worst. 2-3 times/week, around dinner, unnanounced. SO RUDE…whatever clever message the Lord may have wanted them to deliver to me was lost in the fact that I’ve got the door cracked and don’t want them to see the two crying kids, messy hair, or dog that just pood on the floor behind me….LOL
- Ben Reed
  
  Wow. That’s a huge turnoff, Ruthie! Hope you guys are getting settled in a church.
- Ruthie
  
  Thanks. They came again on Wed. This time the Senior Pastor. I’m trying to think of a polite, Christian way to say, that I’d prefer not to have annanounced visitors and that in addition to visiting their church, I’m visiting a few others, since we are trying to find a new church. To be honest, this church was probably not “the one”. I was polite when he thanked me for joining him for worship, but did not invite him in, as I felt that would falsely convey a sense of acceptance and a desire to get to now their members. I feel as if some churches treat you like they are in a business trying to gain as many clients as they can or “sell” you on their church. A trip out to my house is not going to make we want to go. I am going to choose a church based #1 on theology and whether or not I feel like I believe what they believe. #2 are kids programs (will I be able to engage my kids in the learning/growing experience). #3 the worship/feel of the congregation, the way the pastor teaches/speaks, etc. #4 Do I see practical ways that I might be able to serve in this church? #5 everything else is pretty much extra/bonus, ease of commute, informative website, donuts on Sunday morning, etc…. Any advise on telling a pastor/lay folks who come by that I am not interested in their church so that they do not continue to do so?

10 Ways to Ensure I’ll Never Revisit your Church

10 Ways to Ensure I’ll Never Revisit your Church

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