should I kick them out of my small group?

Should you kick someone out of your group if you find out they’re attending another church?

I’ve run into this question myself. A group leader approaches me and says, “Can I invite ______…he goes to another church, but…” Or a group member approaches me and says, “My good friend goes to ________ Church, but I’d love to invite her to our small group…can I?”

I’ve posted this question on Twitter HERE, The Small Groups QHub HERE, and gotten some great responses.

Todd brings up a good point

@benreed If it’s obvious their goal is to win others to their theological position, or they’re avoiding dealing with sin, i’d confront.

If their goal is to win others to their theological position, it’s time to have a conversation (though the whole “obvious” part is, in my estimation, difficult to ascertain). We see this at different points in the New Testament, where people came into the local church and, through their teaching, intentionally divided the local church (passages dealing with false teaching: Matthew 24:11; Mark 13:5-6; Galatians 1:6-10; 2 Corinthians 11:1-4; Col. 2:1-10; Peter 3:17-18; 1 John 4:1-6).

Spence says

@benreed I ask them to view their time in group as training to launch groups at their church

I love that idea (though I have a few exceptions…you’ll see what I’m talking about below).

There’s a lot that goes into answering this question. I don’t think that the answer is a simple, “Yes” or “No.”

Trying to understand another person’s intent/desire/theological bent/difficulties is not an easy task.

Should you kick someone out of your group if you find out they’re attending another church?

Instead of making a general pronouncement for or against kicking people out of your group, why not consider these things:

Should I kick them out?

1. Not all churches have a discipleship structure that helps people grow in their faith. I know…I know…at some point, we need to take personal responsibility for our growth. We can’t depend on others solely for our own spiritual growth. But if we’re in such a difficult place (local church) that we can’t lean on them when life is tough (for example, how about a church plant in a place where the Gospel isn’t prevalent), then we need to be able to draw from other churches.

2. Some pastors of other churches aren’t able to be fully open and honest in their own church’s small groups. If they were completely open about their struggles with church members, it may be tough for church members to hear them preach on Sundays. *Pastors need to have people in their life to whom they can be fully transparent…but it may not be people in their congregation.

3. Not all churches truly offer grace. People’s sins sometimes preclude them from having regular fellowship with believers because their church can’t truly offer grace and forgiveness. Once others find out the nature and extent of a person’s sin, they can no longer have regular fellowship with them. It’s not that these who have sinned are trying to run from accountability…they’re longing for grace, and they get it from God, but not from His people. It’s unfortunate, but true.

4. Some people are sensing that God’s calling them to another church. Small groups are a great test of the health of a local church. Instead of walking out of their Sunday morning services immediately, they can explore what God would have for them through the small groups at your church. *I understand that there are “biblical” and “unbiblical” reasons for leaving a local church, and my intent in this post is not to address those reasons.

5. Exercise wisdom. Look at these on a case-by-case basis. Instead of making judgments against every person’s situation in a blanket fashion, work with each of these situations individually.3. Some people try to get away from accountability, but not everybody.

Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire;
he breaks out against all sound judgment. (Proverbs 18:1)

If one gives an answer before he hears,
it is his folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:13)

Some people try to get away from accountability, but not everybody. Some people hop from church to church because they don’t feel they are getting the respect they deserve, but not everybody. Some people are true false teachers, but not everybody.

At the end of the day, you have to decide for yourself (or your church) what’s right. I don’t think that the Bible explicitly spells out the absolute “right” or “wrong,” “black” or “white” way to handle this issue.

May we be people quick to forgive and quick to offer grace…because we serve a God who is ready to run after the prodigal.

Bob Froese

The purpose of the small group may also be important to consider. A small group that is focused on outreach into a neighborhood may best be served by uniting believers of a particular geographic location in order to 1) facilitate the ability to deepen relationships in the neighborhood, and 2) demonstrate the true nature of the Kingdom of God in part by believers showing love for one another in this way.
- Benlreed
  
  I like the concept of a neighborhood group. We don't implement that at our church, but I gravitate towards the idea that God has placed us in a neighborhood for a purpose, and that we need to actively engage our neighbors with the Gospel (though not necessarily with a tract) by building relationships with them.
  
  Do you have small group with your neighbors?
Mark Howel

Great topic Ben! Here's my take:

There really are two issues in this question. First, in order to lead/host an "official group, you'd need to be actively involved. In some churches that would mean you'd need to be a member. In others, you might just need to say, "This is my church."

Second, it probably says something about me…but I don't have any objection to including people from other churches as members in our groups. It's actually pretty common. If it's an official group (see above) there'd need to be an understanding that "we'll be participating in the agenda of the sponsoring church." That usually means it won't be okay for those from other churches to talk about "how we do it" or "what our church believe about that."

The bottom line for me really is that if the purpose of the group is to create an environment for spiritual growth…if there's a group agreement that states that purpose…then it shouldn't be an issue. If it becomes an issue, it might be that the agreement needs to be revisited.
- Benlreed
  
  Great response, Mark! I love the Kingdom-focused approach. And the stated purpose of the group helps all involved remember that it's not about promoting their agenda (or their church's agenda).
  
  Since you posted this response on my blog, I'm going to steal it! (j/k)
Randall Neighbour

You know, you can't serve two masters. I always challenge groupies from other churches to do a lot more than show up for weekly meetings and soak in our group life. When they tell me they just don't have time to do more because of their church involvement elsewhere, I ask them to ask God where they belong.

If it's with their original church, I offer to train them as a small group leader if their pastor knows I'm doing it for his church and not mine.

If God's leading them to leave their church to live on-mission in my group and be a part of my church, they are encouraged to make the shift.

My bottom line with them remains clear. Join us or let us train you to bring what you've found here back to your church. Whenever I have not been gentle but very firm with this stance, I find they come and go and don't really become a member of the group—just someone who occupies one of the better chairs on small group night.
- Benlreed
  
  I'm wrestling through your response, Randall. At one level, I'd agree with you. But I'm not sure that their involvement in my small group is an example of them serving two masters. In fact, I'm calling them to serve One Master!
  
  "I always challenge groupies from other churches to do a lot more than show up for weekly meetings and soak in our group life…" That's a great point, Randall. And the way that I see it, having them in my small group helps train them to become better followers of Christ (assuming that they're participating, and not just soaking), and thus better members of their home/regular church.
  
  What we've found in our area of the country is that most of the folks around here don't know what small groups are. So we get people who are curious, and want to see how/why God is blessing small groups in such a great way around here. They mean no harm (theological or methodological). But their church isn't structured/open to starting small groups like we do them. I have a hard time asking these people, who are curious and want to grow in their faith, to leave.
  - Randall Neighbour
    
    You know, if someone from another church visits my group and is adding to group life and is and edifying member of the group (and not sucking the life out of it) I'd probably let them stay around as long as they like.
    
    This usually becomes a problem when the person needs gentle and loving correction or is challenged to grow outside of their comfort zone. The second this happens, 9 out of 10 stop coming to the group and keep going to their home church… hence, my comment about not being able to serve two masters.
    
    Having one foot in church A and anther foot in church B (and I do consider a small group to be "the church") makes it all too easy for people to run away instead of pressing into a deeper life with Christ *through the other members of the small group*.
    
    I think I'm as kingdom-minded as most anyone, but frankly, I've never seen two-timing work in my groups. I suspect thought that it is because the groups I have led and been involved in are far more encompassing than a 1x or 2x a month fellowship group. They meet weekly, find their church identity through the group as much or more than the congregation, and are involved in each other's daily lives.
    
    When you're in biblical community this deep, there's simply not enough time and energy to be a member of another church and maintain friendships and actual involvement in both.
    - Ben Reed
      
      Appove
Zack

Great post on a great question, Ben.

This something that I'm going to have to wrestle with in the coming months as we prayerfully launch a group in our neighborhood. It will be the first one associated w/ our church in the whole county, and possibly the only one at all.

With that in mind, I really want to have a geographic/neighborhood focus, so we will certainly be dealing with folks from other church communities.

In our case, most of our neighbors only "go to" "their" church very rarely, so I'm hopeful that what they experience in the community that I'm praying God will build will blow their concept of "church" out of the water.

But either way, I can see how this could be a tense topic, especially since each instance can probably be fairly unique.
- Benlreed
  
  Zack, I love hearing stories of people starting small groups in their neighborhood! Stop back by and let me know how it goes. Praying for you!
Kris

i scanned the other responses so hopefully i am avoiding redundancy, but I think that people's intentions are usually good and earnest. Sometimes they just want a personal introduction to a new church with folks they already know or who have met before they commit the church or rather commit to no longer attending their other church. i think its important not to get competive with other churches but rather serve the Lord through serving others. Usually these new folks bring a fresh perspective that the group as a whole benefits from. Peace:)

Should I kick them out of my group?

Should I kick them out?

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