Category: SmallGroups (page 11 of 20)

The art of small talk

December 22, 2010 / / 5 Comments

As Christmas rolls around, you’re going to be spending a lot of time with a lot of people you don’t normally spend a lot of time with.  People you don’t know or care about remember much about because you don’t get to see them that often.  And for most, the holidays involve sitting around and…talking.

So what do you do when your random uncle plops down beside you and it gets awkward because he doesn’t say anything?  Or your grandpa’s younger cousin that you’ve never seen before…what happens when she insists on sitting in the recliner across from you, and you have nothing in common?

Enter the art of small talk.

Small talk can carry you through the thickest difficult moments.  And it can help you seem like a hero who knows everybody.

Or, just like years past, if you don’t do it right, it can make you look like the jerk that hates Christmas.  And nobody wants to be that guy.

The art of small talk

1. How’s work going? Not a bad leading question.  Since most people work, you’re pretty safe here.

2. Where’s the rest of your family? Whether they’re somewhere else in the house, or they didn’t make it down this year, you’ve got your bases covered.

3. Did you try that ______? (examples include ham, turkey, pork tenderloin, pecan pie, etc.)  In this, you don’t even have to say whether you like the item in question or not.  Don’t show all of your cards right off the bat.

4. Gosh, how long has it been? Classic.

5. How are the kids? Everybody likes talking about their own children.  Everybody.

6. Talk about your kids. Easy, no?  See…told you you could do this.  Remember, everybody likes to talk about their children.  You included.

6. So what keeps you guys busy these days? Hobbies, pastimes, TV shows, and movies are always easy to talk about.

7. How was the drive in? Since we’re in the Christmas season, traffic was probably bad.  The kids probably complained.  They probably left later than they wanted.  This is a guaranteed winner.  Trust me.

8. You guys have any snow yet back home? If you live in a warm climate (like I do), this is a time to lament not having any snow in your area.

9. It’s so _____ (either ‘cold’ or ‘warm’) outside! Think quick on your toes.  This one’s not so tough.

10. I see you’ve been all over Facebook lately. Oh, wait…that’s what my family tells me.  Scratch that.

11. How long are you guys hanging around?

12. The _____ (sports team from their area) is doing ______ (either ‘good’ or ‘bad’) this year. This is a dangerous one.  If you don’t remember where the person’s from, or don’t know which team(s) are in their area, just steer clear of this one.

13. Have you seen Uncle ______? He’s looking good this year, isn’t he? Gotta be careful here, too.  If Uncle _____ isn’t looking great, your cover will be sniffed out.

14. Look at all those gifts! By the time all of the family arrives, there will likely be lots of gifts under the tree.  Capitalize on it.

15. So what else is going on? Keep this one in your back pocket.  After all other questions are exhausted, you can come back and back to this one.

Now you’re ready for any Christmas moment that your family may throw your way.

Got any additions for me?

 

Good small groups…

December 4, 2010 / / 1 Comment

I haven’t run into many people who say, “I want my small group to tank.  I want to lead my folks off of a spiritual cliff so that they’re further from God than they were before they even met me.”

Quite the contrary.

Most people want their group to succeed.  They want to grow spiritually, and help others grow as well.  They want to have vibrant meetings that challenge people’s faith and encourage them to love God and others more.  They want to help foster healthy marriages and strong, God-honoring parenting.  They don’t want the group meeting to be a drag on anyone.  Rather, they long for everyone in the group to look forward to the meeting because they’re building healthy relationships with those in the group.

These people are willing to do what it takes to craft a successful group…they’re just not always sure what they should be doing to make that happen.

This week on Twitter and Facebook, I’ve been talking about what good small groups (and good small group leaders) should be in the business of doing.  Here are my thoughts.

Good small groups

  • Communicate with each other more than once/week
  • Are filled with admittedly broken people
  • Embrace those far from Christ
  • Don’t just talk about the Gospel.  They apply it.
  • Serve their community as much as they serve one another.
  • Don’t avoid difficult relational issues. They work through them.
  • Looks a lot like a healthy church.

Good small group leaders

  • Embrace the messiness of relationships
  • Are quick to offer grace because they’ve been given so much [grace]
  • Ask for help
  • Look a lot like good pastors.
  • Are patient with group members who are difficult to love.

What else do you think good small groups should be doing?

What else do you think good small group leaders should be doing?

 

Somebody’s getting fired

December 1, 2010 / / 26 Comments

When you get a call from somebody telling you they want to be a small group leader…

be worried.

When you get a call like this…

quit your job.

Here’s the voicemail that was left on my office phone today: click HERE to listen.

*I’ve got my suspicions on who the mystery caller is.  And I’m working to get him fired right now.

UPDATE

Estavon Williams left another voicemail today.  Looks like I may be out of a job now.

Click HERE to listen to the second voicemail.

 

Parenting and community

November 16, 2010 / / 3 Comments

If you’re a parent, I need you to repeat this after me.

I don’t have it all figured out.

And for those of you who feel awkward talking to your computer screen, here’s your second chance.

I don’t have it all figured out.

If you do feel like you have the role of parenting completely under control, please repeat this after me:

I am a liar.

And, finally, all together, please repeat this after me:

I can’t do this parenting thing on my own.

Author Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz) and Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries) walk through a series of discussions on a new small group curriculum that’s been released, Convergence: Where Life and Faith Meet.  This particular study is about parenting and what the Bible has to say about raising kids, exploring how God designed parenting, the challenges we face, and the rewards that come helping kids grow up.

I particularly liked the discussion on parents being careful to not make idols out of their children (or even making idols out of the thought of having children).  Viewing children as a means to be happy and fulfilled will ultimately leave you empty.  And the pressure that we put on ourselves (and that society puts on us) to be the “perfect” parents can be spiritually and emotionally damaging when we find ourselves not living up.

But that’s where the beauty of “community” comes in.  Because we can’t do this on our own.  And it’s cool if you think you can just wing it ‘just-me-and-God’ style.  But God’s given you a community (the Church) to live life with.  Grow with.  Receive help from.  Learn from.  Watch.  Don’t neglect that gift.

These DVDs were intended to be worked through in the context of a small group.  I see no better environment to implement these deep, life-altering, biblical parenting principles.

Still not convinced that this is a good curriculum?  Consider this:

1. The videos are only 20 minutes long.  When DVD-based curriculum gets longer than that, it begins to infringe on discussion time.  20 minutes works.  It gives enough information to communicate an idea, but not so much that the group leader feels the need to squeeze discussion time.

2. There’s no cost to the group member. The only cost incurred is the DVD itself (which is a mere $15).

3. Both the leader’s guide and the participant’s discussion guide can be found online for each study (by clicking HERE).  All you have to do is print it off, and you’re good to go.

4. There’s no real homework to be done from week to week. Instead of needing to spend hours pouring over the specific material (which can, by some, be seen as busy work), group members can show up and immediately jump into the conversation.  Don’t take this to mean that the studies aren’t challenging, or don’t require any work.  It just means that you won’t feel like an outsider in the discussion if you haven’t “done your homework.”  And though a homework-heavy study may be the right call for your group in some seasons, a homework-light study can be incredibly refreshing.

5. The questions are short, and elicit discussion. Some curriculum writers feel the need to control the answers of group members.  Their goal is not necessarily group discussion.  Rather, they want group members to parrot back a certain answer, which makes group discussion much cleaner and simpler.  But not necessarily more helpful.  Phrasing questions in a way that spurs discussion is incredibly difficult, and often leads to messier discussions, but I’ve had much greater fruit in those types of discussions than in the ones in which, realistically, there was only one “right” answer.

6. Don Miller is really good at interviewing/conversing. He represents the “everyday Christian” really well, and seems to ask the “right” questions to spur the dialog with the person(s) he’s interviewing.

7. There’s a specific Scripture connected with each lesson that your group can wrestle through.

Still not convinced?  Then allow me to give you a free copy.  The first 25 people that visit AllThingsConverge.com and use my last name, Reed, in the checkout, will get 1 free video download. Come on…you can’t beat that, can you?

Be sure to check out the next stop on this blog tour, a good friend of mine, Will Johnston.  He’s reviewed the curriculum, too, HERE.  And while you’re at it, go ahead and subscribe to his blog (his RSS feed is right HERE)…you won’t be disappointed.

Check out this promo video from the parenting DVD I’ve reviewed here:

Parenting: Helping Your Kids to Become Adults Trailer from All Things Converge on Vimeo.

 

Finding New Leaders

November 16, 2010 / / 10 Comments

I was given the great opportunity of leading a couple of breakout sessions at the RightNow Conference in Dallas, TX, this year.

Before the official conference launched, there was a pre-conference experience focused on small groups.  With over 300 people in attendance, it is, as far as I know, the largest gathering of (mixed model) small group point leaders in the country.  And I’m convinced that the future of the small group movement sat in those rooms, bounced ideas off of each other, networked, and were challenged.  And not challenged just to follow one small groups model, but to implement the ideas in their local church context.

I shared my thoughts on finding new small group leaders.  I foolishly thought that this would be a lightly attended breakout session…until I remembered that almost every small groups pastor I talk with shares the same struggle of finding new small group leaders.

Here are my notes from my breakout session, followed by my slide presentation.

Finding New Leaders

If you don’t have a leadership deficit (meaning you never have trouble with needing new leaders), then you may just have an evangelism deficit.  So you having a leadership deficit points to the fact that you’re likely doing the hard work of evangelism, inviting those who are from from God to enter community.  It also points to the fact that you’re casting the vision for small groups well, because so many people are ready and willing to jump into group life.

Leadership deficits are a tension to be managed, not a problem to be solved.

Here are 5 principles that I use in finding new leaders:

  1. Lower the bar.  The lower you drop the bar, the easier it will be to find new leaders.  The higher you raise it, the more difficult it will be.  Finding the balance is key.
  2. Work on your vocabulary.  Make sure the language you use when you describe your small groups doesn’t intimidate potential leaders.
  3. Your lead pastor must be your greatest small group champion.
  4. Remove other competing systems that will take potential leaders away from small groups.  Even leaders will often choose the easiest path.
  5. Define your win.  The “win” in your small groups system may look different than in mine, but you’ve got to know what a “win” looks like so that you can be clear with potential group leaders.

10 places to find new leaders

  1. Apprenticeship – though this model produces new leaders who are fully ready to go when their feet hit the ground, getting those feet to hit the ground often takes too long.  Depending on this model alone lends itself to a high leadership deficit in growing churches.
  2. In current groups as they’re ending – have a conversation with the small group leader(s) as their group is wrapping up, and ask them who in the group could potentially lead in the future.  The trouble with this, though, is that group leaders often hesitate to take risks on unproven leaders.
  3. Steal from other churches – yeah…this was just a joke that I shared that nobody laughed at.
  4. “There’s not a group that works for me…” When you get this response from people, ask them if they’re willing to lead a new group.
  5. Start new types of groups – we started a small group aimed at new believers, opening up the door for potential leaders who, previously, didn’t see themselves fitting into our small groups system.
  6. Shame people into leading – joke #2.  Bomb #2.  It was 1:00…people were tired…and didn’t feel like even giving me a courtesy laugh.
  7. Staff members – are there staff members that could lead a group?
  8. Avoid burnout – give leaders a season(s) off from leading.  In that process, they can become refreshed, ready to re-enter group life when life slows down.
  9. Get people around a table – have a group of people that all want to meet on the same night, on the same side of town?  Bring them together and lead them through the process of picking a group facilitator.
  10. Alignment – the shorter length of time, inviting of friends and neighbors, and being handed a curriculum to start out with make this a great way to find new leaders that haven’t stepped up to the plate before.

Here are my slides:

Got any other principles or ideas to add?
 

Quit hiding

November 15, 2010 / / 5 Comments

My son has figured out how to manipulate.  Funny…I don’t remember teaching him that.

And funny how that sticks, and so many other things that I teach him don’t stick.

His recent move is learning how to hide.  He’ll get something that he knows he’s not supposed to have (for instance, his pacifier, which is only a nap-time thing).  Just the other day, he was sneaking through the kitchen, slowly and quietly behind the big chair in our living room.  I could see his feet.  And his head as he was “sneaking” just a little too far.  I said, “Rex?  What are you doing?”  …No response…  “Rex, do you have your pacifier?”  Still no response.  He froze.

So I got up to “find” him.  When I saw what I knew he had, I asked him to go and put it away.  So he did.  Kind of.

He walked around the corner of the kitchen towards his room, and stopped.  I suppose he didn’t realize that I can hear his feet when he walks on the floor.  And I knew that he had stopped well short of his room.  Turns out I had to walk him by the hand into his room to be certain that he did what I asked him to do.

But it’s not just my son that’s good at hiding.  Even we, adults, are good at it, aren’t we?  In fact, our forefather, Adam, invented the game.  After he and Eve had eaten the fruit that God had told them not to eat, they hid.  First with leaves (Genesis 3:7).  Then among the trees.

But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”  And he [Adam] said, ‘I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.'”

As God questioned them about what they’d done, both Adam and Eve proceeded to shift the blame away from themselves, trying to further manipulate and deceive the all-knowing, all-seeing, God.

Rex, my son, had nothing to fear.  Nothing as far as my relationship with him was concerned.  There were consequences he had to face because he had disobeyed me.  But his relationship with me was unchanged.  He’s safe with me.

And we’re safe with God.  We can be open and honest, and trust that He’ll never leave or forsake us.

But it’s often not God that we’re concerned with, is it?  It’s other people.  We’re afraid that we’ll be rejected, laughed at, ridiculed, and scorned.  Afraid that we’ll lose our influence and our status.  Afraid of being known.  Hiding our true selves from others is rooted in a fear of man.  Which is an incredibly dangerous place to stand.

Be open and honest with God.  He knows your heart anyway.

Then work on being open and honest with your friends.  God’s placed them in your life on purpose.  They’re meant to help you carry the burdens and the secrets you’re struggling to carry on your own.

Hiding is a game that we need to quit playing.

Who can you be open and honest with today about the burdens you’re carrying?

Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe. Proverbs 29:25

 

Matt Carter, Transitioning “small group” to “missional community”

November 10, 2010 / / 3 Comments

Matt Carter is pastor at The Austin Stone Community Church in Austin, TX.  He led a main session at the RightNow Conference.

Transitioning “Small Group” to “Missional Community”

The more and more people get on mission, what you have to be careful of is that your people will love their mission more than they love their Savior.  Because the more this happens, the more you’ll find Jesus leaving your mission.

Don’t love your calling for Christ Jesus more than you calling to Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 4:11

So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers

God gave the saints to do the work of the ministry.  What causes the body of Christ to grow?

The American Church is declining exponentially.  What causes the body to grow?

From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. – Ephesians 4:16

When each part is working properly.

The American church isn’t growing because it’s built off of an attractional model churches: Sunday is the starting point, as opposed to a home based/cell based model, starting church at that level.

We shouldn’t necessarily chuck the attractional model of the church.  Because that model still has a place, where these larger attractional churches can do some things that smaller churches can’t do.

But the attractional model alone is incomplete, and isn’t the answer to turning the tide of our church away from lostness in our country.

What prompted Matt to think that the attracional model alone not work?

1. The track record doesn’t show it.

Bob Roberts poses this question:

What if, in an attempt to see the United States come to Christ, that over the next 10 years, we were going to start 1000 megachurches?  Would we reach America?  No.  We could not.  Because that’s what we just did over the last 10 years.  We in America have launched that many megachurches over the last 10 years.

2. A growing sense of restlessness in the American church.  18-30 year olds aren’t ok sitting on the sidelines of ministry, especially if they’re walking with Jesus.  They’re hard-wired to be a part of something bigger than themselves.  They want to be a part of world-change.  For far too long, the church has placed the burden for mission on clergy, and there’s a growing tension from the everyday person in the pews, wondering why the church in Acts is so different than the American church.

3. Austin Stone is at a crossroads, because they’ve outgrown their current location.  They could continue launching more sites and build bigger buildings.  But these strategies do not change the city of Austin.  What if, instead of taking the extra effort to grow an additional 3,000 people…what if we equipped and trained those additional 3,000 people to go out and live on mission?  Everything changes in the city of Austin.  Jesus would’ve made a horrible American megachurch pastor, because he purposefully ran people off.  He instead took 12 ordinary guys, poured his life into theirs, and released them to go.  And these 12 men changed the world.

What do we do from here?

Is it possible to do both?  To attract people by the hundreds and thousands…and release them by the hundreds and thousands?  Yes.

Through missional communities.

The Transition: 3 ways

1. They changed the definition of success for their small groups.  Here’s success now: is the group gathering, having Bible study, meeting each other’s needs…and has the group moved beyond just gathering?  Have they found a pocket of lostness in the community, and found a way to engage that lostness?  Have they lost community?  No, because there’s nothing on earth that fosters community better than mission.  When we aimed for “community” alone, we rarely got community.  When we aimed at mission, we got mission and community.

2. They changed how they trained their leaders.  They began to teach them how to think and live like missionaries.

3. They’ve created a system that encourages people to teach the Bibles themselves.  So that they can leave The Austin Stone and, as a group, go to another country, and teach the Word there.

4. They have raised the bar on what these groups can do.  The people in your church can do more than you would ever dream they could do.  Do you truly believe that?

People are hungry to be used by God.

Challenge them.

Train them.

Release them.

 

Healthy Accountability

October 28, 2010 / / 10 Comments

(graphic by Kyle Key)

Is it healthier to…

1. Be regularly accountable to someone who is like you, who struggles with some of the same things you struggle with, and who knows exactly where you are coming from (because he or she has been, and maybe even still is, there)?

2. Be regularly accountable to someone who is not like you, struggles with things you do not struggle with, and has no issue with the thing(s) that easily entice you?

3. Be regularly accountable to nobody but God and yourself?

 

Decision paralysis

September 30, 2010 / / 6 Comments

Last night, my wife and I tried out a new restaurant in town.  We love trying new places, and sushi is one of our favorites.  So when we found out about a Japanese fusion restaurant (I’m still not exactly sure what that means, even after eating there), we were stoked.

When we sat down, we began to look at the menu (which, mind you, was in English). I flipped past the first page. Then on to page 2…then 3…and on to the 4th, 5th, and 6th pages. Then back to 1.  Then to 2…and so on.  I did this 4 times…I’m not kidding.  Our waiter approached the table and asked, “Are you ready to order?”  And you know what my decision was?  “Sorry, I’m not quite ready yet.”  When the waiter returned a couple minutes later, I had the same reply. And I was no closer to ordering than when I walked into the restaurant. Why?

I had decision paralysis.

There were so many choices that I just couldn’t decide what I wanted.  My guess is that there were over 100 menu items, each with a sentence or two description.  I was overwhelmed.  Hence, I couldn’t make a decision.

It had nothing to do with the fact that I was torn between a couple of different items, with one good and another bad.  In fact, I have no doubt (based on how good our food was) that all of their food is superb.  I just couldn’t decide what I wanted.

Think I’m weird?  The other 5 people at the table had the same problem when they were ordering.  There were just too many choices.

And I think we fall into that same trap in our churches.  It seems like a good idea, right?  Offering a program that fits each person’s given wants seems intuitive.  Going the simple route is counter-intuitive.

But if you try to be all things to all people, you’ll leave people confused. Paralyzed. Unable to move.  Not sure which direction to take.

Take a look at your current discipleship structure.  Work your strategy so that you help your church grow healthy disciples, but don’t leave them so overwhelmed by choices that they end up making no choice.  By simplifying your structure, you leave room for people to invest in their families and community.   It also allows you (church leadership) to devote all of your energy towards that one discipleship plan, and execute it with excellence.

I’m all about simplifying.  Maybe it’s time that your church or organization let dead programs go ahead and die.  Or start doing away with programs that aren’t accomplishing your strategy anymore.

By offering less, you can actually offer more.

But maybe I’m off base.  What do you think?

Ever been a part of a church or organization that offered too many options?

 

Bears, Bulls, and small groups

September 27, 2010 / / 2 Comments

This is going to be a great resource when it’s released, but until then, you’ll have to simply enjoy a new clip.  It will be released in January 2011 by Lifeway Christian Resources, and will be called Building Biblical Community.

Here,  Steve Gladen and Bill Donahue give an example of how to not listen well.  Then give a brief example and explanation of how we should listen well.

Enjoy!

 
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