7 reasons why nobody really likes cats

Ben Reed —  October 12, 2012 — 25 Comments
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Kittens are cute and cuddly and fluffy, aren’t they? They look innocent playing with a ball of yarn, or when they curl up next to you and purr.

You know the only problems with kittens, though? They become cats. If there was a way to keep kittens in the “kitten” stage, every house would be full of them.

The “cat” stage of being a cat dominates a cat’s life, which is why you’ll never find one in my house.

I had a cat growing up. His name was “Punchy.” Don’t ask me why. It was probably because he tried to punch my little brother. We ended up giving him away to my uncle, who lived on a farm. Punchy hunted mice and rodents to his heart’s content…which is the life cat’s should lead.

Cats

Everybody knows…

I’ve heard it said…

Someone wise once said…

 

I made this up, and I like it:

The only good cat is a dead cat.*

I’m convinced that nobody really likes cats. Some people claim that they like cats, but the reality is that they only like their cat. And even that’s a stretch.

I think I’ve figured out why nobody really likes them.

7 Reasons Nobody Really Likes Cats

1. They don’t come when you call.

Not that I need a creature to be at my beckon call, but seriously, if I communicate with something, and it doesn’t respond, I call that thing inanimate.

2. Kitty litter is nasty.

You’ve got an animal that you trained to go to the bathroom in your house, not outside? In some strange-smelling rocks that you keep in a plastic box? And you don’t find this odd?

3. Nobody likes “cat naps.”

If people truly liked cats, they’d not name the worst variation of naps after cats. Ever take a “cat nap”? A “cat nap” is what happens when you really wanted a “dog nap.” Nobody really sets out to take a cat nap. When you wake up from one, you’re just mad that one of the following happened:

  • your phone rang
  • someone rang your doorbell
  • your cat jumped on you and woke you up

4. They’ll purr one second and bite you the next.

You never can tell where you really stand with a cat. Are we best friends? Or worst enemies? I’m not convinced that a cat ever really likes a person. They could take you or leave you. So why do you like them?

5. I’m allergic.

I know, that one’s a bit personal and may not apply to you. But it’s a big deal to me. If there’s something that causes me to sneeze, cough and itch, you can guarantee I’m not going to have that thing in my house.

6. 1 word: claws.

Ever been scratched by a cat? Trust me…you’ll want to scratch that cat right back.

7. They’re never mentioned in the Bible.

Which means I can assume they’re a post-Fall product of this fallen world. There you go…I just dropped the God card on you. Come back from that!

Question:

What do you think? Are you a “cat” person?

*this is a joke post. I honestly don’t love cats, but I don’t actually want them all dead. If you’re a cat lover, I don’t think less of you. WE won’t be friends, though. :) (kidding!)

 

 

Ben Reed

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Christ follower, husband, father, writer, small groups pastor at Saddleback Community Church. Communications director for the Small Group Network.
  • Justin

    As an addendum to the kitty litter, it is also an ingredient in Meth. And a parasite that is found in cat feces can literally make you go insane. Reason enough to stay away from cats, IMHO.

    • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

      Ha! So basically, if you love cats, you also love meth? And if you love cats, you’re insane? Is that what you’re saying? :)

  • Cyndi

    Sorry…I disagree. I AM at Cat lover. Come from a long line of cat lovers. One of the best animals God created!

    • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

      Ha! Hope the post gave you a laugh, Cyndi! Enjoy your weekend!

  • http://twitter.com/KRudicil Kevin Rudicil

    So Totally Agree with you on the CATS! Welcome to LH btw – Hope to meet you in the next week or two!

    • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

      Yeah, would love to meet you soon, Kevin!

  • http://jonstolpe.com/ Jon Stolpe

    Nope. Not a cat person. But we have two dogs. Some days (when I’m cleaning up the pee in the mud room, etc.), I wonder why I’m a dog person.

    • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

      Sometimes I wonder the same thing, Jon!

  • Πέτρος

    Going to really have to disagree with you on this. Now, I wouldn’t
    say I’m an absolute cat lover, but I’ll come to their defense in this case because
    the BS here seems sizably stacked. I’ve also lived with both dogs and cats, so
    here’s another point of view from a young professional from the city. Let’s
    dispense with the long winded intro and take this point by point.

    I have two cats and each knows
    their name and come out when called. A head count is done every night, calling
    both to make sure they’re inside before bed after my after dinner cigarette.
    Now, my girlfriend can get one to come almost every time because this cat loves
    to play fetch in the condo and she’s often willing to oblige.

    While nobody likes dealing with cat litter, I much better prefer
    it over picking up shit after a dog. If you’re not on top of that, that crap
    stains your (neighbor’s) lawn. And forget about going out too long, because if
    that dog’s got to go, it’s going on your rug. Cat litter is really strong to
    stop odors, can come scented, and with something like the self-cleaning Litter
    Robot (http://www.litter-robot.com/), one only needs to deal with litter once a
    week. What’s that, Fido? Gotta go? But it’s 5:30 in the morning!

    You “cat nap” argument has no point other than to try to
    vilify something, anything, with the word “cat” in it. Sad…

    Cats do purr… Cats do bite if provoked…

    Dogs don’t purr… Dog bite even when not provoked…

    I already feel you fighting me on this. Ask the teenager who got
    his face bitten off a while back what he thinks. Ask your local police station
    if they ever had to shoot a cat because it posed a threat to the community. From
    a dog bite statistic site, I quote, “Dog bite
    losses exceed $1 billion per year. In the past several years, there have
    been 30 to 35 fatal dog attacks in the USA annually. Each year, more than 350,000
    dog bite victims are seen in emergency rooms, and approximately 850,000 victims
    receive some form of medical attention. Based on data collected in the USA
    between 2001 and 2003, the CDC concluded that there were 4.5 million dog bite
    victims per year, but that figure appears to be rising.”

    http://www.dogsbite.org/dog-bite-statistics.php

    So you’re allergic to cats… That sucks…

    Two words. Nail clippers.

    Na, you probably want them declawed. What a horrible horrible
    thing to do. But you don’t care anyways, do you.

    First off, put your bible away, because like most Christians, you
    probably never thumbed through the whole of it on your own, pastor or no.
    (Yes… I have… Want some truly disturbing passages?)

    Second, if you’re looking for a divine sign, look no further that
    this cat with the word “cat” grown into it’s fur.

    http://www.geekologie.com/2010/09/its-a-sign-cat-with-cat-spelle.php

    *insert altar boy joke here*

    (that zeus/yahweh/god/allah card wasn’t too hard to hard to flip)

    Regards,

    Πέτρος 悪

    “I do not have to
    like what you say, but I will fight to the death for your right to say it”

    P.S.

    It’s okay. I really don’t
    want to be your friend either. Really not kidding.

    • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

      Hey Petros,
      Seems I stirred the pot quite a bit. Didn’t mean to offend you. I was just trying to have a bit of tongue-in-cheek fun on a Friday.

      Even though we disagree, I’ll still be your friend! :)

    • EJo

      Wow…buzz killington.

  • triprolo

    I’m a cat lover so I have to disagree with a lot of your point. However number 4 is so stinkin right on. I couldn’t have said it better. Never know and that is part of the allure!

    • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

      That allures you? It scares me!

  • Jay

    With 80-85% of people now searching for churches online is this really what we want their first impression of Grace to be ?

    • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

      I was just having a bit of tongue-in-cheek fun, Jay. Didn’t mean to offend. Meant to give a little humor on a Friday.

  • Anthony

    Why in the world would you take the time to write such a blog on cats? By the way, they are mentioned in the Bible….lion of the tribe of judah. LIons are indeed CATS.

    Having never had children, my cats are a true blessing from the Lord to me. I love them dearly but don’t idolize them. What you’ve written, hopefully, is something you’ll look back at 30 years from now (if we believers are still here) and see the lack of wisdom of offending those of us who love our cats (and other animals God has blessed us with) and thereby, causing some of us to not care what you have to say about other, far more important things in life.

    • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

      I was just trying to have a little bit of fun, Anthony. Didn’t mean to offend. Sorry that I did.

  • http://www.joshhunt.com/ Josh Hunt

    I like to say that cats are not biblical animals. You don’t find them in the Bible. ;-)

  • Ben Thorp
    • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

      Looks like a hilarious read, Ben!

  • PastorBrian

    I found it funny, and also knew that it was sarcasm. Good read!

    As far as great works on cats, however, I’ve always been partial to “101 Ways to Wok A Cat.”

    • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

      Ha! Thanks!

  • Bethany Opara

    The reason they’re never mentioned in the Bible is because the Egyptians loved and worshipped them, and so the Hebrews hated them. It has nothing to do with whether God loves them or when cats were created; in fact, if he didn’t then he probably would have told us not to have anything to with them. Besides, Jesus is called the Lion of Judah, remember?

    • http://www.benreed.net Ben Reed

      I just posted this as kinda of a joke. Didn’t mean to offend, Bethany. Sorry if I did.

  • Albert Einstein

    “And nobody really like dogs too. Because they bark and bite people. This author of this article is both a douche bag and a religious zealot.”

    – Albert Einstein.