Tag: Leadership (page 5 of 13)

9 vital reasons for small talk in your small group

September 4, 2012 / / 5 Comments

If you’re going to be a good small group leader, master the art of small talk.

smallgroup1

image credit: iStockPhoto user Digital Skillet

Mastering small talk is an underrated strength of the best small group leaders.

Even though you might tell me that small talk:

  • Is pointless
  • Is too surfac-y
  • Is difficult
  • is a waste of time

My wife and I just launched a new group, and were quickly reminded how awkward the first few weeks are. It’s like a really weird blind date with a group of people you don’t know and don’t care to know.

Nobody knows each other. Everybody is on edge. Nobody knows what’s safe. Nobody knows what to say or when to say it. And everyone wonders what to expect.

So they shut down. Especially when you have a group full of introverts, which we do.

Everyone plays the wallflower.

Enter “small talk.” Talking about the weather, work, or your favorite football team tends to dominate small group time on the front end of a group’s life. It’s surface-level communication, and for some of you it’s frustrating.

But small talk is more important than you could imagine. Why?

If group members don’t feel connected in the first 8 weeks, you’ll lose them.

Why small talk is vital in group

1. Connects common interests
You’re a football fan, too?!? You like to run?!? You just started coming to our church?!?

2. Gives people something to talk about
This food is good, right? Where are you from? What do you do for a living?
3. Breaks the tension
Everybody feels it, and nobody knows what to do. And this tension is awkward. It’s looking for a release.
4. Keeps it on the surface
I don’t want to share my deepest, darkest secret to you right now, so…how ’bout that rain? Your group can and will get around to deeper issues in life. Until then, lots has to happen: trust has to develop, relationships must grow, and steps of faith must be taken together.
5. Keeps me from thinking you don’t care.
You could sit off in the corner, but if you do, I’ll think you don’t want to be a part of my life. Small talk engages people and gets them chatting.
6. Keeps my mind from wandering to ‘I do not want to be here.’
Early on, excuses like ‘I don’t want to be here anyway’ or ‘this is too difficult’ or ‘these people don’t like us’ or ‘I have more important things to do’ can win in the battle over whether someone leaves the comfort of their home or not.
7. Makes me feel welcomed. 
When you make it a point to Talk with another group member, they feel valued. They feel like you care about who they are. They feel included in your new, awkward family.
8. Helps encourage me to come back.
Mark my words: though the Bible study may be great, though you may choose just the right curriculum, though you are a brilliant discussion leader, people will return to your group for one reason: relationships. Build them and build them quickly.
9. Opens the door for deeper conversations. 
deeper conversations happen because we have taken steps towards that. They rarely happen spontaneously.
Obviously, small talk can’t dominate group communication forever. But on the front end, it will.
That is, if you want your group to have long-term success. If you want your group to feel a sense of connection with other group members early. If you want to open the door to deeper connections.
So…how ’bout them Cubbies?
 

Leadership, Weaknesses, and Snap-Hooks

August 8, 2012 / / 1 Comment

Running down the left rough, a lake crept into the 2nd cut of rough at the 270 yard mark. Sand traps dotted the right side all of the way to the green like miniature beaches that drew straying tee shots. The fairway was perfectly manicured, as tight as freshly stretched carpet. But it was narrow.

image credit: Flickr user RAK39

So I eased off. I have a tendency to get a little quick with my hands and over-cook a drive, turning a would-be soft draw (a right-to-left shot) into a nasty snap-hook (a right to LEFT shot). And because that’s my tendency, especially in pressure situations, I’ll overcompensate and leave my hands open, blocking that would-be snap-hook from ever happening and watching my tee shot float 30 yards right of my intended target into said mini-beach.

“Oh, just hit it!” I told myself. “You’re a decent golfer. Trust your swing,” I said in my head. So I did. Twice. And twice I failed.

Side note: maybe I’m merely “decent” because I don’t trust my swing. Maybe it’s because I don’t practice much…

For the rest of the round, on holes where the landing area off of the tee box was tight, I dropped down and played an iron off of the tee. I played a safer shot with a higher percentage of probability I’d hit the fairway and be able to keep playing the hole. And it worked. I split the rough every time and was able to walk my way right up to the green with relative ease.

I know my weaknesses and limitations on the golf course.

Leadership weaknesses

I also know my weaknesses and limitations in leadership. So should you.

If you’re going to be a good leader, you’ve got to understand where you’re weak. Where your leadership, gifts, and talents can’t cut the mustard. But let’s take it a step further. You’ve got to identify your weaknesses, then do something about it.

Take out a shorter iron that you’re good at hitting.

To identify that you’ve got a weakness but do nothing about it is absolute foolishness. The best leaders identify their weaknesses and compensate, surrounding themselves with people who are strong where they’re weak, freeing them up to maximize their strengths. You’ll find much more fulfillment and joy when you operate out of your strengths rather than beating yourself over the head trying to shore up your weaknesses.

In the moment on the golf course, I asses the situation, remind myself where I’m weak, pick an iron that represents my strength, and trust the hard work and practice (and God-given ability) that I bring to the box. I don’t try to press through my weaknesses and act like they’re not real. I don’t try to tweak my driver there on the fly, even though that would be tempting. (Ever wish you possessed someone else’s gifts?)

The reality is that God hasn’t gifted you with every gift possible or every strength and every good idea. God hasn’t created you to do everything well. So do that thing that He has designed you for. Do it with all of your strength, with great joy and conviction.

 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters – Colossians 3:23

And your weaknesses? Put the driver back in the bag. Let someone else hit that one.

 

 

5 Leadership Lessons I Learned from a Torn Quad

June 8, 2012 / / 8 Comments

Recently while working out at CrossFit, I ripped my quad.

It hurt about as much as you’d expect ripping a quadriceps muscle would hurt. Unless, of course, you thought it wouldn’t hurt at all. In which case…it hurt much more than that.

image via: http://www.flickr.com/photos/crossfitpulse/

I was doing a kip-up, a martial arts-style move where you “jump” from your back all of the way on to your feet. I made it to my feet, and in that moment, all of the energy transferred to my already-weakened quads, and I instantly felt the pain shoot through my legs.

I sat down for a minute, trying my hardest not to throw up. And trying to act like I was ok. One of the trainers came over to check on me. “You’re probably just tight…and when I’m tight, I just take my fist and pound down my leg like this…” at which point he punched me in my leg. I crumpled to the ground like a man with a torn quad would if punched in said torn quad.

It’s taken me a week to get back to the gym. I’m not nearly at 100%…just close nough to fake my way around.

In the process, I learned a lot about life and leadership.

5 Leadership Lessons I Learned from an Injury

1. Stretching is vital.

If I’d stretched a bit more, I may have prevented my injury. Or at the very least, stretching would’ve reminded me that my quad was still weak.

In leadership: Before major decisions, take a moment to breathe. Before you blow up on a co-worker, stop and check your heart. Before you move forward, take a moment to look back. Before you start your day, spend a few moments in prayer. It’ll remind you who you are, where you’re headed, and that you’ve got a loving Father who wants to guide and shape you every step of the way.

2. Know your limits.

Apparently, kip-ups are above my pay grade. For now. 🙂

In leadership: “Knowing your limits” means understanding your gifts and your weaknesses. And learning, when you’re weak, to surround yourself with others who are gifted. Don’t be prideful. Know your limits. And know that you don’t have every gift necessary.

3. Sometimes, you just have to slow down.

When I was injured, I couldn’t go to the gym. Well, I could’ve gone, but it wouldn’t have done any good. I would’ve had to sit out the majority of the workouts.

In leadership: Organizational life can move at a fast pace, and if you don’t intentionally slow down, remind yourself of what matters most, doing what only you can do, and resting, you’ll burn out. God created the Sabbath because we need it. Which is also why, I believe, He created the hammock. Sabbathing should be a part of your weekly workflow. It’s vital, whether you’re “injured,” or just want to prevent “injuries.”

4. Allow others to help you.

I had to ask for help while I was injured. I needed help across the gym floor. At home, I needed help getting ice packs ready and, at times, just doing normal activities.

In leadership: To try to lead alone is foolish. God has hard-wired us to need others. He’s created us to be dependent on Him…and dependent on other people. Don’t forsake the gift that significant relationships play in your life. Alone, you’re prone to giving up, prone to always thinking you’re right, and only have 1 life experience to draw from. Together, you collaborate, refine processes, and draw from multiple life experiences.

5. Healing takes time.

It’s taken me a week to get back to the gym. It’ll probably take me a month or more before I’m back to pushing myself.

In leadership: When you’ve been injured, whether by relationships, broken dreams, or your own bad choices, it takes time to heal. The same is true for those you’re leading. Don’t expect that you, or anyone else, can recover immediately. It might be awkward, but ask for help! Surround yourself with people who know and love you best. You might not like mine, but find a small group. And pursue active healing.

Question:

Ever torn a muscle?

 

 

The difference between pride & confidence

June 7, 2012 / / 14 Comments

The decision I made to move into full-time vocational ministry was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. It took me nearly a year of praying, fasting, reading, and seeking counsel.

But when I made the decision, there was no swaying me. Not a chance you were going to convince me I was headed the wrong direction. I was sure that the direction my compass was pointing was the right one. I made the decision resolutely and began planning my life around it.

image credit: creation swap user Nathan Michael, edits mine

I wondered, though…was this a healthy confidence? Built on the back of the Truth of Scripture, the counsel of others, and God’s hand leading me throughout the previous 12 months? Or was it simply me trying to mask my self-centered, “I’m-right-and-you’re-not” pride?

The line that distinguishes pride and confidence is often indistinguishable.

From the outside, looking in, it’s like trying to find a fishing line in mid-air. You know it’s there, but unless you find yourself tangled up in it, it’s a line that’s not visible to the naked eye. A line that, if you don’t stand in the right spot, you’ll find yourself hooked by.

To see the fishing line, you need a piece of contrasting material. Hold up a black t-shirt to the line, and it instantly stands out. Take the t-shirt away, and the line seems to go with it.

It’s incredibly easy to slide from confidence into pride. To slide from a healthy view of self to an unhealthy perspective of your gifts and abilities. In fact, if you’re not careful, you won’t even realize you’ve made the transition. It takes intentionally holding up a contrasting material for you to see this invisible line.

Know this: if the line disappears, you’re in trouble. If you can’t tell when you’re moving into pride, your leadership will be damaged. You’ll make poor decisions. You’ll destroy relationships. And you’ll leave a pathway of destruction that will take years to rebuild.

Looking at pride and confidence contrasting each other can be the mirror we use to tell this important distinction.

5 truths about pride

The prideful person

never says they’re wrong.

doesn’t accept input, but goes at everything alone. They makes decisions in a vacuum.

bristles when taking advice/correction.

doesn’t take others into account.

craves public and/or private recognition for the works they’ve done.

 

6 truths about confidence

The confident person

measures their choices and actions with wisdom.

weighs input from others, and moves towards the Truth.

doesn’t proceed through selfish ambitions. (Philippians 2:3-4)

realizes they can’t do it alone.

knows who they are, and who they aren’t. They’re “confident” where God has gifted them.

works to build others up. (Ephesians 4:12-13)

Let not the wise boast of their wisdom

or the strong boast of their strength

or the rich boast of their riches,

but let the one who boasts boast about this:

that they have the understanding to know me,

that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,

justice and righteousness on earth,

for in these I delight,”

declares the Lord. – Jeremiah 9:23-24

Question:

Have you seen a difference between pride and confidence? Have you seen these distinctions play out? Have you ever slid from healthy confidence to pride?

 

 

The best way to love your enemies

June 5, 2012 / / 1 Comment

image credit: Creation Swap user Stephen Hay

My wife and I don’t watch a ton of reality TV.

But there are a few we catch each time around:

I find myself drawn in as personalities take shape, and characters are revealed. Within the first few weeks of a season, I’ve got “my” contestant. The one I want to see win it all.

I can usually nail who will win it, who will lose it, who the network’s keeping around for ratings, and who has no chops to hang with the big dogs.

I also find myself instantly being frustrated by certain people.

“Why could she say that?”

“Why would he treat ____ that way?”

“How could she be so callous with _____?”

In just a few weeks of watching a show, I can develop intense emotional responses to negative contestants. Not in a sinful way, but in a very real way. I know that being in an intensely stressful environment with other contestants in a competition brings out the worst in people, but goodness me…these guys can get downright nasty. And I can jump on the “Down with ____ bandwagon” as quickly as the next guy.

Maybe this is to my shame.

But you can’t tell me you don’t have that guy or that girl you don’t like either. Come on. Don’t lie. You’re rooting against them, too.

The Change

When I hear a snippet of people’s stories, though, my “I don’t like that person” goes out the window.

There was a contestant on one of the cooking reality TV shows that I was watching who was a cut-throat villain. I’m not saying that to exaggerate…she really was. She was mean. Sly. Cutting. And she took no prisoners. She was the person that everybody loved to hate.

But then I found out she’s a single mom, and loves her daughter like crazy. Much of what she does is to provide a living for her daughter. She broke down when she was telling her story about raising her daughter by herself.

And part of me broke with her. I understand a small slice of single parenthood because, living in a military town, I get to walk that road with families regularly. It’s tough. Tougher than one parent should ever have to shoulder alone. And it breaks the toughest of parents.

In watching this person’s story unfold before my eyes, I shifted from seeing her as the villain to seeing her as a fighter, battling for her family. Grinding it out so her daughter would understand hard work, success, making an impact on our culture. Stepping on toes so her daughter could stand on her shoulders.

Beyond TV

When you hear someone’s story, it humanizes them. Instead of just being the person who insulted you, their cutting words become a cry for help.

Instead of being your enemy, a person becomes a chance for you to extend love in a new way.

Instead of being a villain, your enemy presents a new opportunity to serve.

Instead of being a homeless man on the side of the road, they become a dad who’s been beaten up by life.

Instead of being a cut-throat business man, they become a man who’s never understood real love.

On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” – Mark 2:17

When you react defensively, you ruin a chance for redemption. You spoil an opportunity to extend grace. You heap shame and condemnation and anger on someone who needs none of that.

Next time someone says something hateful, humanize them. Get to know their story. Understand their pain. Put yourself in their shoes.

I’m not saying that you should justify sinful behavior.

I am saying that it’s time to build relationships.

Let’s get to know people.

Especially your enemies. (Matthew 5:44)

Question:

Have you ever been shocked to be broken by someone else’s story?

 

 

Be the expert

June 1, 2012 / / 8 Comments

If you’re the leader, be the expert.

image credit: Creation Swap user Gabriel Smith

Too many times, I hear leaders bemoaning a lack of knowledge, a lack of skill, and a lack of certainty. Living in and operating out of the weaknesses and insecurities, not out of the grace, strength, and knowledge God has blessed them with. They rest in the expertise of others instead of growing in to the expertise that’s needed of them.

God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.

But not if you resist the equipping.

Leaders:

  • Quit it with the insecurities.
  • Quit it with the ‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’
  • Quit it with the focus on your weaknesses.
  • Quit it with the, “I’m just not sure…”
  • Quit it with the shirking of vision to others.

Time to own up to your title. Time to grow in to your shoes.

This is not about acting like a pompous know-it-all.

It’s all about being the expert that those you lead expect you to be. Your calling is too important to sit on the sidelines.

Accept your gifts.

Let your passions drive you.

Learn. Experiment. Take risks. Fail. 

Repeat.

If you’re the leader, be the expert.

 

Exponential conference, a giveaway

May 24, 2012 / / 2 Comments

It’s been a while since I’ve given anything away here on the blog. So it’s about time I changed that.

I’m giving away 2 simulcast tickets (you can watch it at any point from your computer, alone or with a team) to this year’s Exponential Conference.

Want to skip the contest and just buy your simulcast ticket? You can do so HERE.

I’m a part of a church plant, Grace Community Church, so the Exponential Conference is especially intriguing to me. Since I couldn’t make it to this year’s event in Orlando, FL, I’m especially excited to be able to watch the simulcast and process it with my team.

The Exponential Conference has become the largest gathering of church planting leaders in North America each year with nearly 5,000 attendees. Exponential champions healthy, reproducing-faith communities by inspiring, encouraging and equipping church planting leaders. From leaders considering church planting to seasoned veterans, the conference’s 100+ national speakers, 100+ workshops, and 15+ tracks provide some of the best church planting training available. For the first time ever, the 5 Main Stage Sessions and 4 Family Track Sessions from an Exponential Conference will be made available via live Simulcast.

The emphasis of the 5 Main Sessions are:

  • Sifted for a Purpose
  • Sifted in our Calling
  • Sifted in our Purity
  • Sifted in our Relationships
  • Sifted for Multiplication

The emphasis of the 4 Family Track Sessions are:

  •  Avoiding Blowing Up and Burning Out (Jud and Lori Wilhite)
  • How to Disciple Your Children (Mark Batterson)
  • Raising Pastor’s Kids (Bill Hybels and Shauna (Hybels) Niequist)
  • Battle Lines: Family and the Ministry (Darrin and Amie Patrick)

Although the conference is designed for church planting leaders, the content and theme will be a blessing to any leader serving the local church.

“Sifted”, the theme of Exponential 2012, highlights the importance of the spiritual, physical, and emotional health of the leader as a vital component in catalyzing leaders who reproduce. Where most resources focus on the “doing” of models, approaches and innovations, “Sifted” focuses on the “being” and health of church leaders. The conference seeks to help leaders embrace their unique story of sifting.

If you’d like to buy a ticket to the event, you can do so HERE.

I’m giving away 2 free simulcast tickets to the conference, for you and/or your team to watch together.

Just enter the giveaway below!

Contest ends Friday, June 1st, at noon central.

 


 

 

10 Lessons Leaders can learn from a 3 year old

May 23, 2012 / / 11 Comments

Jesus said

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.  – Matthew 19:14

You can learn a lot from a 3 year old if you’re willing. I’ve been stretched by the way my son lives his life…stretched to think differently about the way I live and the way I lead.

image credit: Creation Swap user: http://creationswap.com/jonathanmalm

Maybe you will be, too. 

10 Lessons from a 3 year old

1. Run fast and break things.

I think this is my 3-year-old’s life mantra right now. And he’s really good at it.

Leader: Playing it safe isn’t what we’re called to do. Faith takes risks, trusting God to work. Trusting that God is sovereign. And if we break something, it gives us the chance to figure out what doesn’t work, so we can truly find the best way to lead people in the best, most efficient way possible.

2. Have fun.

Everywhere my son goes, he’s having a good time. And he can make the best out of a boring situation. It’s amazing how fun he can make a department store. 

Leader: If you’re not having fun, those you lead probably aren’t, either. And laughter is evidence that we serve a good God. (Psalm 126:2) If you want to show people that our God is good, have a little fun. In the process, if your team has fun together, you’ll go further together.

3. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

My son laughs at himself all of the time. He’s one of the funniest people he knows. 🙂

Leader: you have a tendency to be super serious. And super boring. When you take yourself too seriously, you set yourself up for disappointment, and inadvertently set yourself on a pedestal that’s begging to be brought down by the next bad idea.

4. Work so hard you have to rest.

By the time his head hits the pillow, most nights, he’s already asleep.

Leader: may we never be found lazy. The people we’re called to serve are too valuable for that. We should run so hard and give of ourselves so fully that we long for the Sabbath each week.

5. Don’t be afraid of new things.

My son tries new things every day. Whether that’s a new food, picking up a new bug, climbing a new playground, or meeting a new friend, my son knows very little fear.

Leader: We ultimately serve the most creative Being in the universe. And He’s sovereign over all things. So why should we ever be afraid of trying something new? If you break something, refer back to #1, above. It’s better to try something new and fail, than keep doing things that are weakly accomplishing our mission and vision.

6. Trust people who know and love you best.

My son has a huge trust of us, and of people he knows best. He’ll go anywhere, and do anything for, those who know and love him.

Leader: if we don’t have a circle of friends who know us, want what’s best for us, encourage and correct us…then we don’t have people we can really trust. It’s easy to keep people at arm’s length, and not allow yourself to be vulnerable. This is a dangerous place to be as a leader.

7. Don’t think. Do.

Rarely does my son evaluate the full range of possibilities before he does something. Which means he takes a lot more risks, ends up with a lot more bruises, and has a lot more fun.

Leader: there are times to evaluate and to perform risk assessments. But there are times when, if you do that, the change that needs to be made will pass you by. Doing something is better than doing nothing.

8. Make the big ask.

My son asks me to stay home from work. Often. And sometimes I do. 🙂

Leader: Need your leadership team to have your back on a new crazy idea? Make the big ask. Need to hire a new staff member, and only want the best? Make the big ask. Need a lot of money for your next project? Make the big ask.

9. Don’t wait for a title. Just lead.

My son doesn’t wait until someone declares him the “leader.” He just leads, and invites others to follow.

Leader: Wherever you find yourself in the organization, whether you’re the lead person or one of the staff members, don’t rely on your title to lead. Just lead, and invite others to follow. Leaders lead.

10. Be constantly curious.

3 year olds ask a lot of questions. And learn about a thousand new things every day.

Leader: learn to be a good question-asker. Ask, “Why not?” and, “What’s next?” constantly. Be willing to search outside of your box to find answers to your questions. Learn from other professions. Push the envelope. Your mission and vision are worth the cost.

Question:

Do you now, or have you ever, spend much time around a 3 year old?

 

The distracted driver

May 19, 2012 / / 3 Comments

I’m one of the .001% of people who love to run. I love the lead-up to running. I love the run itself. I love the post-run soreness.

I love it all.

Most of all, I like that I can’t run with my cell phone. When I run, I can’t hear a text message. Or an email. Or a phone call. For the next hour, it’s just me and the road.

It’s an incredibly stress-free time.

image credit: Flickr user Zanthia

Until I see the person who’s not focused on the road. I tend to keep an eye on drivers when I run. Probably because I value my life.

Most people are focused on driving. In fact, they move over to avoid hitting me. I stay on the shoulder of the road, but they give me even more room. I’m thankful for those guys.

Every once in a while, though, I can’t lock eyes with the driver. They’re distracted. They’re fiddling with the radio or texting or…well, I don’t care what they’re doing. They’re not focused on the road. As long as they stay in their lane, everything is ok. But then the drift starts to happen. They begin to slowly slide my direction. I’ve had to jump into ditches to avoid the drifters.

The same thing happens in life, too. Drift happens, and we begin to focus on things that are less important than the task at hand. And in that process, we put others in grave danger.

You endanger others when you

  • Are a husband, and stop focusing on your wife
  • Are a pastor, and stop focusing on serving others
  • Are a leader, and stop focusing on relationships
  • Own a business, and focus only on the bottom line financial
  • Lead a non-profit, and get caught up catering to large donors.
  • Are a small group leader, and only focus on keeping your house straight
  • Are a coach, and only focus on winning the game
  • Are a parent, and stop spending quantity time with your child(ren)
  • Are a politician, and stop focusing on serving people.
  • Are a friend, and only focus on yourself.
  • Are a teacher, and focus only on your curriculum.
  • Are a follower of Jesus, and take your eyes off your King. (re: Hebrews 12:2)

When you aren’t focused on primary things, others can get hurt.

Keep your eyes on the road. And if you see me running, wave and give me a bit of extra room. 🙂

 

 

To the guy who tries to “fix” everybody during prayer request time

May 3, 2012 / / 2 Comments

Stop it.

 

 
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