Been Reed - Life and Theology. The musings of a young pastor.

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Did that go how you thought it was going to go?

Ever start a discussion in small group, and find out 5 minutes into it that it’s headed a different direction than you intended it to go?

I have. And part of me stresses out when this happens. I could easily find a home in asking every single question in the book, getting the “right” answer, and movin on. Not that I don’t value off-topic discussion, and discussions that take a while to work through, but I’m comfortable when things are neat and tidy. Chaos and messiness are not where I thrive, though I would quickly acknowledge that those are a healthy part of a small group. Creating, and not completely dispelling, tension, and leaving a bit of un-resolve in discussion is something I’m beginning to enjoy (and greatly value).

What do you do when your group veers off from your intended goal for the night?

A skilled small group leader knows:

1. When to follow the rabbit trail. Not all trails are bad. Sometimes, meaningful discussion happens when the group goes off-script. That rabbit trail could be exactly what God wanted you to talk about. Knowing when to follow the trail is an on-the-fly skill that’s developed as you get to know your group at a personal, spiritual level, and as you spend time seeking the Lord on a consistent basis.

2. When to reign the discussion back in. Staying on a rabbit trail too long can cause frustration, and can cause the group to feel stalled out. Some trails aren’t helpful, and need to be squashed before they become a hindrance to the group.

3. How to ask questions to help move the group forward. Understanding the heart behind a person’s somewhat off-topic question can help you, as the group leader, to know the right kind of questions and statements you need to make so that the group centers back on biblical truth. Listening well, knowing people’s faith stories, and understanding the struggles and victories of group members will help you know the right kinds of questions to ask that will keep the discussion from stalling out.

4. How to find answers. Group leaders don’t have to have every single answer to every single question asked in small group. But they do need to know how to find the answers, and how to utilizing people, books, websites, and other resources. For questions that are singularly focused, humbly saying, “I don’t know the answer, but I’ll find it out” can be a great way to move the discussion forward.

5. How to involve the whole group in the discussion. Rabbit trails can often be so laser-pointed focused that the rest of the group feels alienated through the discussion. A good group leader knows how to rephrase the question (or ask appropriate follow-ups) so that it resonates with the rest of the group, and gives them a chance to join in the discussion.

Do you have a person in your small group that seems to always bring up off-topic discussions? How do you handle it?

What’s the funniest rabbit trail your group has gone down?

I’m a big Will Farrell fan. Watch, and laugh, as he leads Mark Wahlberg down a path he didn’t intend.

SmallGroups.com & Goofy Words

August 11, 2010 / Ben Reed / 4 Comments

There are certain things I say that make me feel like I’m giving up my man card.

I tweet.

I use Hootsuite.

I have Twittelator on my phone.

Scripty (as in Scripty Goddess’ scaler HERE) is a tool I use on my blog.

Accountabili-buddy (a word my small group has coined).

Part of me likes Ikea.** (see below)

I have never seen Godfather.

I own Crocs.

I tend a garden.

I read a digizine.

It’s after saying the above phrases that I have to go outside and blow something up. Or go grill something. Or smoke a cigarette.

I’ve found myself saying “Digizine” more and more often. Sometimes, it’s just random…while I’m walking around, before I go to bed, after I eat dinner. It’s kind of fun…go ahead, try it.

I’ve been saying “Digizine” more and more because I’m completely blown away by SmallGroups.com ‘s new digital magazine (get a copy HERE).

Why is this digizine so great?

The content is superb. This issue contains articles by Sam O’Neal (managing editor of SmallGroups.com, a division of Christianity Today), John Ortberg(pastor at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, and author of numerous books), and Pat Sikora (founder of Mighty Oak Ministries).

The advertisements are great. Since I live and breathe small groups, ads that are about small groups are right up my alley. They appeal to small group leaders and small group pastors.

There are videos embedded in the digizine. You’re not going to get that in a magazine. And if you could…it would be weird to see a small video screen in a magazine you get in the mail. So instead of just reading an interview with Mark Batterson and Heather Zempel, you can actually watch it…right there on the same page.

It’s digital. Anything that’s digital is cooler, right? Case in point: digital clocks. Digital means means I can read it anywhere…and not wonder, “Where did I leave that magazine?”

But here’s one thing I wish was included:

Social networking ability. Give me the ability to tweet (see…there I go again…giving up yet another man card) what I’m reading. Make it easy for me to share this content with my followers. I want to share insights I get from around the internet…this digizine doesn’t readily give me that opportunity.

You need to get this free resource. If for no other reason that it gives you the opportunity to tell people you read digizines.

**Let it be known, I am a man. When I get stuff from Ikea, I don’t even use the instruction book. Bam.

When it doesn’t go right

August 11, 2010 / Ben Reed / 2 Comments

Ever hit a rough spot in life?

The Bible’s full of people hitting rough spots.

In 2 Chronicles 32, it says that Hezekiah (the king of Judah in the early 700s – late 600s b.c.) had just finished doing what the Lord had asked him to do. In distributing food to the people, in following the laws and commands of the Lord, and in all that he did, he sought the Lord wholeheartedly. He was very successful. (2 Chronicles 31:20-21) Yet it was in the midst of this success that he was invaded by his enemy, the King of Assyria.

The people must have quickly lost hope. I’m sure some said, “We followed God, now this?!?” But Hezekiah encouraged the people with this:

Be strong and courageous! Don’t be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria or his mighty army, for there is a power far greater on our side! He may have a great army, but they are merely men. We have the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles for us!” Hezekiah’s words greatly encouraged the people.

So how should we view our circumstances? The ups and downs of life? Should we look at them as a door…opening and closing to different possibilities? Or should we look at them as an indicator of our spiritual health?

Here are a few things we can rightly say that circumstances are not:

1. Circumstances aren’t a good barometer for how you’re living your life. Hezekiah was following the Lord with all of his heart. He was seeking God wholeheartedly. Yet things were still crumbling around him. There can be a connection with how you’re living your life and the natural consequences you reap…but not always. I’ve heard people say that, when things fall apart, there must be some unconfessed sin in your heart that God’s punishing you for. Thankfully, I don’t think that God operates like that. If He worked off of a scale, and every sin I committed meant I got a given punishment, then my life would be a mess most of the time. I’m so thankful Christ has paid my ransom.

2. Circumstances aren’t a good barometer for how you should plan your life. If they were, then every time you failed a test, you could assume that God didn’t want you to finish school; every time you got sick, you could assume that God didn’t want you to do whatever you were set out to do; every time you were short on money, you could assume God wants you to do whatever it takes to get more money. Don’t plan your life around circumstances…plan them around what God’s called you to do. Circumstances are complicated. And if you’ll sit down and think through it, you could just as easily convince yourself that God’s leading you to do something as He is asking you not to do that same thing. Circumstances may help confirm the Lord’s work, but because of the work of Satan (which God allows…see Job 1.6-12), it’s hard to know for certain that a given situation is the Lord’s direct work.

3. Circumstances aren’t a good barometer for whether the Lord is with you or not. Hezekiah’s circumstances, from man’s perspective, looked pretty awful. He was being attacked! But the Lord was certainly with them. Just because you’re under attack doesn’t mean that the Lord has left you. In fact, He may have allowed you to come under attack so that He could rescue you. One thing he clearly loves to do. (see…the whole Bible)

If you find yourself in some difficult times, take hope that God’s not left you. He doesn’t do that. He works right in the midst of the difficulties.

I’ll post tomorrow about some things we can rightly assert about our circumstances. But until then,

Have you ever used circumstances, in and of themselves, to make a decision?

Have you found any of the above to be true in your life?

When you mess up after messing up

August 5, 2010 / Ben Reed / 4 Comments

A friend of mine is struggling through overcoming an addiction. It’s a tough road. Seriously, really tough.

He’s been clean now for a while. And the freedom he’s experienced after running away from his addiction, finding rest and satisfaction in Christ, has been amazing. And to tell you the truth, it’s been refreshing to me, as well. Seeing a man live in realization that Christ has broken the chains of sin reminds me of the work Christ did to rescue my heart.

And here’s what I’d like to tell you right now: He’s still clean every day. Every day gets easier and easier, and it’s as if the past years of addiction are melted away, and their power to sway is so weak it’s as if it’s nonexistent.

But that would be a lie.

Just the other day, he had to confess a breach in sobriety. And I wept for him. And with him.

And that conversation could have easily been the last of our conversations. Because many Christians say that they’re willing to walk the hard road with a struggling brother. “You need a helping hand overcoming _____? I’m there for you!” Underlying that open hand of mercy is a backhand ready to be unleashed the moment that friend takes a step backwards. It’s one of those unspoken rules. “If you fall back into that sin, my helping you is done.”

Maybe it’s because, if they fall back, it’s reflects badly on them. It used to just be the addict’s problem…now it’s the helper, too.

Maybe it’s because they want to help…as long as it’s not too difficult emotionally.

Maybe it’s because they wrongly think that an addict’s addiction is over, once and for all, the moment they ask for help. That the problem will never resurface, and that the struggle against it is, in a way, over.

Whatever the reason, it’s not a good one. Take out a pen and paper and write this down:

A breach in sobriety is not the end of the battle.

That’s what I told my friend. I reminded him that our relationship is a safe place for him to be open and honest…even if he messes up again. There will be consequences to him taking steps backwards. It could wreck his life…again. But it wouldn’t wreck my commitment to walking this through with him. I reminded him that just because he messed up again, he hadn’t lost the battle forever. That he still had work to do, but that I was still standing beside him, helping him fight. That he was going to probably mess up again, but that God’s forgiveness still covers him. That he could be honest about even the smallest breaches, and that in being honest with the small things, he’s working to fight against the Enemy, and do battle even in his failures.

My friend needs me. Your friend needs you. Especially when they’ve messed up…again.

Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. -God, Deuteronomy 31:6

Have you ever had a friend mess up time and time again? What did you do?

Have you ever messed up time and time again? How were you treated by others?

Holy Vocabulary, a giveaway

July 30, 2010 / Ben Reed / 22 Comments

I wrote a review of Michael Kelley’s latest release from Threads Media, called Holy Vocabulary, for Ron Edmondson’s blog. Make sure you hop over and read it HERE.

If you’d like a free copy of the book, I’m giving away 1 leader’s pack and 2 individual books! All you have to do is:

1. Retweet this post on Twitter. You can say something like “Win Michael Kelley’s book Holy Vocabulary on @BenReed ‘s post today: http://ow.ly/2iKXp”
2. Comment on this post with your email address or Twitter name.

I’ll randomly choose 3 winners tomorrow morning at 8:00 am.

In the meantime, check out this promo video from Threads Media.

Holy Vocabulary Promo from Threads on Vimeo.

Coffee that changes the world

July 29, 2010 / Ben Reed / 1 Comment

Does the coffee that you drink help change the world?

Mine does.

We’ve just recently started serving Land of a Thousand Hills Coffee (you can follow them on Twitter HERE)on Sunday morning at Grace. Every pound of coffee we purchase from them helps to fuel their ministry. I love what they’re doing to impact Rwanda. For starters, they’ve adopted a coffee farm, and guarantee the farmers a premium price on their coffee. Continue reading

The Creativity of God

July 28, 2010 / Ben Reed / 1 Comment

Just a few weeks ago, while my wife and I were stuck in London, I was able to visit the city of Oxford. The main reason we went was for a tour of the various sights associated with C.S. Lewis. We were able to understand more fully the life of Lewis after seeing the places where he lived and worked.

The highlight of the tour for me was “the lake.” Behind the house where Lewis lived was a forest, and in the forest was a lake (really, it was more of a pond) where Lewis would spend hours, alone, thinking and writing. It’s said to be the place where he had the inspiration for his infamous Chronicles of Narnia. And being there, I quickly understood how inspiration could come by spending extended time there behind Lewis’ house.

It was a beautiful spot. There was a walking path circling the lake. There were lots of old trees. And dense shrubs. We were there in the spring, so many plants were beginning to bloom. All around, you heard the sounds of nature: bugs, birds, wind, and creaking trees. Yet there was this sense of quiet and rest that was present, too. No cars. No rustling of people. No distractions.

And I was reminded that we serve a beautiful, creative God.

Spending time outside, away from my normal environment of four walls, a door, and a computer, helps get my creative juices flowing.

What helps you when you need to think creatively?

Twitter vs Facebook

July 24, 2010 / Ben Reed / 5 Comments

I have found great benefit in social media. I’ve written about social networking HERE. Primarily, I use Twitter (you can follow me HERE) and Facebook (you can follow me HERE) when it comes to sharing short bits of information. Right now, though I find great benefit in both, I much prefer Twitter to Facebook. Why?

5 Reasons I prefer Twitter over Facebook:

1. It’s quicker. Facebook takes a lot of time. When you read a status update, especially one that you like, you feel the need to read all of the comments. Then you find a friend that you haven’t talked to in a while, and you click on their page. And find a status update…and the cycle continues. Facebook can quickly become a never-ending pit of time-wasting.

2. It’s more information-driven. I’m a “learner” (according to Strengths Finder), so I love gathering information. Twitter is a great tool to share news and ideas quickly and efficiently (especially because it’s limited to 140 characters).

3. There’s no Farmville. Or Mobster. Or Cafe World. Or Treasure Isle. I just can’t get myself excited about that stuff.

4. There’s no poking. I’ve been poked by somebody. Seriously. I just looked at my Facebook page. And I have no idea what that means, why they poked me, or what I should do in return.

5. With Twitter, you can reach well beyond your circle of friends. On Facebook, for us to interact, you have to accept my friend request before I can see anything that you’ve shared. Facebook seems to me to be designed for you to interact with people that you personally know. Twitter is built for interaction with a broader audience.

What about you? Do you prefer Twitter or Facebook?

Covenant Marriage

July 24, 2010 / Ben Reed / 0 Comments

Before my wife and I got married, we received premarital counseling from our pastor. Though it saved us a bit of money off of our marriage license, the real value that we received was in being a little more prepared for the challenges we would face as a newly married couple. I can’t even begin to tell you how valuable that time was for our marriage. We drew back heavily on those meetings with our pastor as we were trying to create and sustain a godly marriage.

Many couples start their married life with no premarital counseling/training. But you don’t have to.

That’s why I wanted to tell you about the Covenant Marriage event we’re helping to put on at Grace. At this event, designed for engaged couples or ones married less than 2 years, we’re going to help equip you with the essentials for having a healthy marriage. Over the course of 3 sessions, Kent Hughes will help you prepare for a lifelong marriage that honors God.

Your marriage is too important to not work on it right out of the gate.

The event happens on Friday evening, August 27th, and ends on Saturday, August 28th, by lunch. It’s free. You can sign up HERE.

Practicing from the bunker

July 22, 2010 / Ben Reed / 6 Comments

I was playing golf with a friend of mine the other day. He pulled his shot off of the 4th tee box, and it flew into the bunker in the left rough. He was pretty upset, and was dreading his next shot even before he got into the cart.

“I have no idea how to hit out of a bunker. Do you?”

“Actually, yes. It’s easy. I used to practice at it.”

Even as the words came out of my mouth, I was laughing at myself. Who practices out of a bunker? I mean, shouldn’t we all practice from the tee box and the fairway? Because if we get better and better off of the box, we’ll never be hanging out in bunkers.

Apparently, I was never good enough to steer clear of the traps.

Which means I’m just like the best players in the world.

You see, it doesn’t matter how good you are at the game of golf, you’re going to have to hit from the bunker at some point. You’re not good enough to avoid every trap.

In our small group meeting this week, we talked about our weaknesses. It wasn’t what I would call a joyous occasion. But it was really good. Some of us could easily identify areas where we’re weak. For others, it was a bit tougher. But we didn’t stop there.

Identifying your weaknesses is like saying, “I don’t know how to hit the ball from the sand,” but not planning to do anything about it. That statement needs to be followed by, “Can you help me?” Because hitting the ball from the sand is tough. And it’s an art form. And it takes somebody being patient with you and helping you figure it out. Showing you where to stand. How to stand. How to swing. And the thought process that goes into blasting one out. You don’t just innately know how to hit a sand shot. You need a patient coach.

God allows us to be weak. Because if we weren’t weak, why would we need Him? And if we could figure out this life all on our own, we’d have no need for Him and His people (the Church).

How do you grow through your weaknesses?

1. Identify your weaknesses. You have to start with this. If you’re having trouble doing this, just ask some of your friends. Or, better yet, if you’re married, ask your spouse. They’ll have no trouble identifying them for you.

2. Come up with an action plan. Write out tangible goals that will help you grow through these weaknesses. Without tangible goals, achievable goals, how will you know if you’re ever making progress?

3. Identify a person who’s strong where you’re weak. Share your weakness(es) with them, and your action plan. Let them know that you’re going to be a work-in-progress, but that you’d like them to know where you’re headed.

4. Be open and honest about who you are and ways you still fall short. You’re going to mess up. Again and again. And while that’s not okay, it puts you in company with guys like the apostle Paul. (Philippians 3:12-13)

You need to find somebody who is strong in areas where you’re weak. Lean on them. Let them into your struggles.

If you never work on your weaknesses, you’ll find yourself in the bunker one day with no idea how to get out.

Do you find it difficult to identify your weaknesses?

Or is it more difficult for you to actually do something about them?