If you want accountability in your life, you’ve got to take responsibility.

image by Cassandra Security

Nobody will do that for you.  Others can pour into you, teach you, model for you, and share resources with you.  But if you want accountability, you’ve got to take that responsibility on yourself.  I’ve asked people to help me with certain aspects of my spiritual life.  Sometimes it’s “worked.”  Many times, it hasn’t.  But I’ve learned some principles along the way that have helped ensure success.

8 principles in seeking spiritual accountability

1. Ask for it.

If you don’t ask, nobody will respond.  You need these deep relationships that help you with your personal spiritual growth.

2. Help define what it needs to look like.

Don’t just assume that if you ask someone, they’ll instantly know what accountability needs to look like for you.  You have to help set the paramaters.  How often?  What will you talk about?  What questions should they ask you?

3. Be vulnerable and share your story.

Otherwise, how can someone else help?  If they don’t know who you are, where you’ve been, and the weak spots in your life, they’ll have no idea how to help you grow.

4. Take a risk.

You’ll never know if the person on the other end, that you’re asking to step into that relationship with you, is 100% trustworthy.  This is  a step of faith, not a step of pre-knowledge.

5. Remember that accountability is a two-way street.

This isn’t a cure-all solution.  You’ve got to be doing the difficult task of working on yourself and your own shortcomings.  Having someone “hold you accountable” doesn’t assure you’re accountable.  You’ve got to continue to actively pursue that relationship, and be open and honest with where you are at all along the way.

6. Give the other person the room to say, “No.”

This is a big responsibility that you’re asking someone to.  Give them the freedom to say that this is not the right season for them.  Forced accountability rarely works.  Both parties have to be willing to step in and do the hard work.

7. You have to continue to drive the relationship.

Don’t expect that you can ask once, share your story, and the other person will then magically follow up with you exactly when you need it.  You’re the one asking for accountability.  You need to be the one driving this relationship.

8. Ask for grace.

Since accountability isn’t a cure-all, there’s a good chance you’ll mess up again.  In a big way.  And this is where many “accountability partners” fall apart.  If you’ve messed up, you think, “I can’t possibly be honest about this with him now.”  And he’ll think, “I guess I’ve failed at holding him accountable.”  What needs to happen is what happened in the beginning: grace.  Set out from the beginning this idea that if failure happens, grace is the knee-jerk response.

You need someone to spur you on. (Hebrews 10:24) You’re too weak on your own to fight sin, insecurities, and the battles that rage against you doing what God’s calling you to do.  You need someone who’s got your back.  You need someone who is going to encourage you on the good days and the bad.  You need a warrior who won’t give up on you, who knows where you’re headed, and is willing to walk through the dark and the light to help you get there.

So encourage each other and build each other up – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Do you have someone who’s intentionally encouraging you and helping hold you accountable?

Have you seen this kind of relationship misused?  Where one (or both) parties expected too much?

 

I have a small group that I am a part of that meets every week.  And I’m going to have to miss it soon.

I’m going out of town, and there’s no way I can make it back in time.  And that really bothers me.  Even though it’s only the 3rd time I’ve missed the group in 2 years.

Because I made a commitment to the group.

When I joined, I committed to being there every week.  The people in my group aren’t imposing any guilt on me for missing.  They’re not upset.  The group will carry on without me, no problem.  Somebody else will lead the discussion that night.  Somebody else will take up the prayer requests.  Somebody else will make sure the group keeps moving forward.  The group isn’t dependent on me.

But I’m bummed I can’t be there.

I’m missing out on

• a dynamic discussion
• a broken-hearted request
• a cry for help
• an opportunity to praise God for His goodness
• a belly laugh
• a good meal
• catching up on life
• sharing my own difficulties
• sharing my own triumphs
• doing life with friends
• praying for a friend
• being prayed over

You may not like my small group (I wrote about it HERE).  But I do.  These guys challenge, encourage, and equip me to do what God’s calling me to do.  Their influence in my life is beyond measuring.

To get the most out of your small group, you’ve got to make a significant commitment. Otherwise, a small group is just a Bible study.  A group of acquaintances.  An I-have-to-go-to-that-again? meeting.  A burden.  A time-waster.  Something that takes you away from what you really want to do.  A place of forced community.

Make the commitment to the folks in your small group.  They’ll be glad you did.

And so will you.

Have you ever made the level of commitment necessary to really invest in a small group?

Have you ever seen someone not make that commitment, and burn out quickly?

 

The most dangerous word for your spiritual growth is “tomorrow.”

image by Jeff Boriss

I’ll share my faith with my friend…tomorrow.

I’ll start praying more regularly…tomorrow.

I’ll start reading my Bible…tomorrow.

I know God want me to _____, so I will…tomorrow.

I’ll start treating my wife with respect…tomorrow.

I’ll become a better parent…starting tomorrow.

I’ll quit doing ______…tomorrow.

I’ll choose to forgive…tomorrow.

I’ll choose joy, not anger…tomorrow.

I’ll choose to serve…tomorrow.

I’ll take charge of my spiritual growth…tomorrow.

Stop. Saying. Tomorrow.

Today is the day.

Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.”  How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. – James 4:13-14

 

I remember the day my son started walking.

He had been pulling up and cruising for a few weeks prior, so we knew he was just about ready to start letting go and walking on his own.  My wife and I were sitting across from each other in the middle of the living room floor, and I stood Rex up in between us.  He could barely get his balance.  In fact, he was so wobbly he fell down before he even got started.  So I stood him back up.

Then it happened.

He took a small step, then started to fall forward.  Just before he reached the point of no return (where he would fall flat on his face), he stuck his other foot out in front of himself.  His momentum carried him forward, and he forgot to put his other foot out in front, so he fell face first into my wife, who, along with me, clapped and cheered for our son.  He had started to walk!

So we stood him up again, and he tried once more.  Then he fell.  And smiled.

So we stood him up again, and he tried once more.  Then he fell.  And smiled.

So we stood him up again, and he tried once more.  Then he fell.  And smiled.

Then he got tired, so we quit for the day.

Notice this: he wasn’t so hard on himself that he wouldn’t try again.

Part of the hindrance to our spiritual growth is that we’re too hard on ourselves.  We beat ourselves up over and over again, when we’ve got a Father who, while we’re still a long way off, is filled with compassion for us, and is running towards us so He can throw His arms around us and kiss us. (Luke 15:20-21)

We, like the Prodigal Son, still beat ourselves up.  We respond, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” (Luke 15:20)

To which our Father says, “Let’s celebrate!” (Luke 15:23)

I’m not saying that we should act like we’re perfect, and can do nothing wrong.  But I am saying that we should not be so paralyzed in our sin that we don’t take another step forwards, towards our Father who’s running our way.  We could live in the reality that we’re sinners who are “no longer worthy to be called your son.”  But wallowing in our guilt and shame doesn’t help us move towards God.

Maybe we should start reminding ourselves that our Father is cranking up the music, getting His dancing on, and grilling up a feast for us.  Because He loves us that much.

Do you ever find that you’re too hard on yourself?

Is it time to give yourself a break, and celebrate even a small step in the right direction?

Do you know someone who needs to be reminded of this truth?

 

Maybe it’s about time you failed.

(image by ArtMoth.com)

I remember when I didn’t make the varsity baseball team in high school.  I was crushed.  But through that, I ended up quitting baseball to pursue golf, a sport I turned out to be pretty good at.

In seminary, I absolutely bombed a paper that I thought was one of my better projects.  Through that, I worked hard to refine my writing, and in the process, found a great love of writing.

The first small group my wife and I were a part of (in Louisville, KY) was an abysmal failure.  I didn’t want that to happen to us, or anyone else, again.  Now I’m a small groups pastor.

The New Testament Church was led by a guy named Peter.  Don’t forget that he had an epic fail, where his pride was kicked in the teeth.  He thought he was ready to die for Jesus.  He wasn’t (John 13:37-38).  His pride would even need to be kicked again a little later. (Galatians 2:11-21) And it needed to be in order for God to use Peter.

Why you need to fail

It’s through failure that we learn what we’re not that great at. Here’s a shocker: you’re not great at everything.  God’s gifted each person uniquely…you included.  We may not always find that gifting on our first shot.  Be open to other ideas than what you’ve always thought or been told.  Maybe your failure is a good indication that you need to try something else.

It’s through failure that we find out which ideas aren’t the best. Failure becomes a way of culling out the ideas, projects, programs, and directions that needed to go.

It’s through failure that we are motivated. Who wants to fail twice?  Failure pushes you to work harder, more efficiently, and lean more heavily on others.  Failure is a great deterrent to future failure.

It’s through failure that God comforts us. It’s hard to experience comfort without some level of failure. (see Lamentations 3:16-23)

It’s through failure that our pride is sucker-punched. If you were as awesome as you thought you were, you’d not have failed.  As John Ortberg says, “There is a God, and it is not you.”

As valuable as failure is, I still find myself consistently praying, “Lord, please help this _______ to go really well.”  Or, “Lord, you want this __________ to succeed more than I do…”  Or, “Lord, help this idea to not fall flat on its face.”

Maybe I should start praying, “Lord, maybe this needs to flop.  You know best.  Help me grow in the process.  Chip away the parts of me that don’t look like You.  Grow your Church.  Knock down my pride.  Renew my faith in Your plan.”

Is there an area of your leadership or your life that needs to fail?

Have you seen God grow you more through failure or through success?

 

John Ortberg kicked off Catalyst 2010 pre-labs, speaking on how spiritual growth happens.

How does spiritual growth happen?

1. It starts with a reminder that there is a God.  And it is not you.

2. Remember that transformation requires at least as much grace as salvation.

We tend to cycle between guilt, trying harder, feeling fatigue, quitting, then feeling guilt.

3. Living in grace is learned behavior.

In most churches, we have reduced grace to the forgiveness of sins.  It’s so much bigger than that.  God was a gracious God before anybody sinned.

What if the Spirit really is like a river, available and flowing all the time? (John 7:38-39)  If so, then spiritual formation can’t be a program…it should be happening all of the time.  Our job is simply to jump into that river and figure out what is blocking us from jumping in.

4. Growth is hand-crafted, not mass produced.

What would drown a cactus would dry out an orchid.  What would feed a mouse would starve an elephant.  God never grows two people the same way.  He’s existent from eternity, but has never had a relationship with you.

There is no one-size-fits-all spiritual formation, so don’t simply measure someone’s devotion to God by their devotional life.  If we measure spiritual growth by devotional activities, then the Pharisees win!

Here are two questions to ask yourself:

1. Am I growing more or less irritable these days?
2. Am I growing more or less discouraged these days?

A word to moms of preschoolers: maybe you can grow more spirutally by engaging in acts of love and selfless acts of service than by memorizing the whole book of Jeremiah.

5. God’s desire is to create the best version of you.

An acorn will grow into an oak…though the oak may be healthy or not.  Redemption is always the redemption of what God has already created.  The goal isn’t to grow and become somebody else, but rather to grow into who God created you to be.

When Jesus says, “Seek first the Kingdom,” he’s not heaping a burden, but telling us where the life is.

The world isn’t likely to respond to a Gospel of transformation proclaimed by untransformed people.

What blocks the work of the Spirit in your life?

 

Growing older doesn’t guarantee you will grow in spiritual maturity.

Intentionally investing in your spiritual growth, though, does.

In our small group last night, we talked about the idea that as we grow older, there’s no promise that we’ll just fall naturally into godliness and spiritual maturity.  It’s unnatural to do so.

The natural thing to do is to spend time doing things that distract us from our relationship with God and others.  But just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s good.  We brainstormed some things that aren’t evil (in and of themselves), but that distract us from a deeper relationship with God.

What are some things in your life that stall the spiritual maturing process?  Can you begin to cut them out?

Because you can’t slow down aging…but you can slow down maturing.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. – Philippians 4:8-9

 

The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls.  When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. - Matthew 13:44-46

Kendall Langford, defensive end for the Miami Dolphins, lost a 2.5 karat diamond earring during practice on August 31st. (ESPN story HERE)

Without having insurance for the ring, you can understand why he spent an hour looking for it, then came back later (and got some help from his buddies) to try to find it.

You can watch the video HERE…but it’s just Langford and a few guys roaming the field, and finding nothing.

Nobody questions why Langford would spend hours combing the field for the diamond, do they?  Nobody thinks, “Just let it go.  Why even bother with it?”  Why?

Because it’s valuable.

And if something is valuable enough, we’ll put the time in that’s necessary to find it.

Even to Langford, whose salary is beyond what most of us will ever make, losing a 2.5 karat diamond is enough to alter his plans for an entire afternoon.  He probably had to give up some important meetings, had to put some people out, had to sacrifice other commitments…to find the diamond.  And I bet he didn’t feel all that bad about what he had to give up, because the ring was that valuable to him.

We spend time doing, and bend our schedules around, things that are important to us.

Why do you spend time at the office?  Because they give you a paycheck.

Why do you spend time watching a football game?  Because you love your team.

Why do you spend time working on your golf game?  Because you want to improve.

Why do you spend time watching a movie?  Because relaxing is important to you.

Why do you not spend time working on your spiritual growth?  Because it’s not that important to you.

If your own spiritual growth were more important to you, you’d spend more time developing it.  You’d sacrifice other things.  Put off other meetings and plans.  Alter your life.  Give up good things in favor of better things.

Your spiritual growth should be one of the most important things in your life.  Why not give it a little more work?

What do you do to grow spiritually?

If you’re growing spiritually, where would you suggest someone who’s new to the faith should start?

 

I have lots of conversations with people from areas other than Tennessee (aka, God’s Country).

If they’re from further south, they think Tennessee weather is cold.

If they’re from the north, they laugh when we Tennesseans say, “It’s cold outside!”

A 50 degree day in the middle of July in Tennessee is freezing…in January, that same temperature would make for a beautiful day.

Cold…hot…it’s all relative, to a degree (pun intended).

One of the most important aspects of small group life at Grace Community Church is discipleship.  I often say to group leaders that making disciples is the #1 priority of their group.  Everything else falls under this.  If your group ends up bringing 50 new people in, meet 5 times/week, and blaze through 100 curriculums/month, but don’t help those in the group become more faithful disciples of Jesus, the group is a failure.

But I quickly follow that up with the fact that discipleship is relative.

Before you write me off as a post-modern, left-wing, “what’s right for you isn’t necessarily right for me,” spiritual person, hear me out…

A step of faith for me looks different for a step of faith for you.  It looks different for the guy who’s just checking out Christianity.  It looks different for the guy who’s grown up in Church but is far from God.  It looks even different for the student who’s been saved for 6 months and is working through different issues at school.  It looks even different for the wife whose husband is deploying (to see what we’re doing to help these women out, check this out HERE).

I’m not sure we can boil “discipleship” down to 4 easy steps.  It’s never easy…and it’s not going to be the same 4 steps for everybody.

Taking a step of faith, similar to your perception of “hot” and “cold,” is a matter of where you find yourself in life.

Has your small group helped you take steps of faith?

 

Looking back over my spiritual growth, I can definitely notice ups and down. I have had periods of no growth and periods of slow growth. I’ve also had a few times when I’ve grown rapidly.

The most memorable time of spiritual growth for me was when I was in late high school.  Every Friday night, I met with a group of my friends (about 10-12 guys) to study the Bible and talk about life.  We chose various curriculums to guide us, but it was the relationships that were formed in that group that really helped me to grow in my walk with the Lord.  They helped me to see the possibilities God had for me, pointed out areas of my life that needed to change, prayed for me, and helped my walk with the Lord to expand and prepare me for what God had next.  Little did I know that those Friday nights would be a training ground for the call to full-time ministry that God would call me to 5 years later.

Andy Stanley says that there are 5 things God uses to grow our faith:

1. Practical Teaching

2. Providential Relationships

3. Private Disciplines

4. Personal Ministry

5. Pivotal Circumstances

I see small groups as the place where each of these is realized.  Fleshed out.  Nourished.  Given the chance to succeed.

Looking back over my life, I can see how God has used small groups to shape me and help define the calling God placed on my life.

Have you had a similar experience?  Leave a comment and brag on what God has done in your life through small groups.

God has used small groups to change my life.  Have groups changed yours?