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Don’t waste your pain

What does it look like to live a good story? Am I living a good story? Why does it matter? I’m blogging as a part of a series today for Prodigal Magazine on what it looks like to live a good story. You can catch the rest of the writers HERE.

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When I was in graduate school, my wife and I joined a small group. Small groups are supposed to be a place of safety, and trust, and growth and encouragement. A place where you form relationships that help you make sense out of life, pursue Jesus together, and enjoy friendship. That’s the bill we were sold, and we bought it. Every Sunday night, we’d trek across town, 35 minutes south, reading our small group study on the way to group (don’t judge us), praying we weren’t the first to be called on to answer a question. Praying we weren’t asked to sign a sheet of paper that said, “I read all of this week’s lesson…before I got in the car to come over here.”

For a season, everything was great. My wife and I were both in seminary, so getting ourselves out of the academic classroom was refreshing for us. As we focused on applying the Scriptures to our lives, we found the Bible coming alive once again.

When things go sideways

But then we had to miss group for 3 weeks in a row. We had to be out of town for various (and might I add, legitimate) reasons, and couldn’t make it to group. The moment I got back in town, our group leader called me, and said, “Ben, I noticed you and Laura have been absent from group for a while now…” and he just kind of let it hang out there, hoping that I would pour out my heart in confession. But I didn’t. I just made things more awkward, letting the silence hang, creating a thick air of tension. My main reason for the silence was because I had no idea what he was driving towards. He pointed out that Laura and I had been absent for a few weeks, questioning our commitment to the group and our integrity as individuals. He said that because of our spotty attendance, there were people in the group who didn’t trust us anymore.

“Because we missed 3 weeks?” I said.

“Yep.” he confidently returned.

He began to unpack his thoughts, calling my integrity into question because, “I just think you’re holding stuff back from the group, Ben…because when we share prayer requests, you don’t cry.”

I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrated I was…we thought we were committed to the group! “Ok…I get it. This is a joke, right? Joke’s on me! I almost fell for it,” I said. But as I dug a little deeper, I found that there was a family in the group gossiping about us. They’d pull the leader to the side and plant little thoughts into our leader’s head, calling Laura and me into question. And as far as my lack of crying goes…I’m just not a cryer. Not that there’s anything wrong with guys crying…I make fun of those guys, but there’s nothing wrong with it. (that’s a joke…if you’re offended by that, then cry about it and I’ll make fun of you. :)) I’m not trying to be uber-tough, it’s just not my personality. But it was the personality of some of the guys in the group, and so, because nobody talked with me about this, space was created for people to think I was masking some deep pain. I wasn’t.

Over time, the leader began to believe the lies. Something that was absolutely benign, that could’ve been handled with one conversation, grew to a point where my wife and I were ready to be done with community. We were soon to move anyway, so we were just ready to check out of small groups altogether. Forever.

So we did. We walked away from this great gift God has given his people.

Until I got a call 2 years later from Grace Community Church to be their small groups pastor. Suddenly, this gift was placed back in my lap, and I had to wrestle through the risk of stepping back in, making myself vulnerable once again. I had to figure out whether I believed that biblical community was a gift…or a weapon. I had to discern if God was calling me to help others experience this weapon-gift or not.

4.5 years later, I can tell you with great certainty that I’ve found an area of life and ministry that I’ll give the rest of my life to promote. “Community” is a value that I hold in high regard. It was through frustration, though, that I found it. Had I not experienced the dark side of community, I wouldn’t value healthy, authentic, biblical community like I do.

Isn’t it funny how God works?

Isn’t it funny how God uses pain and frustration to shape who you’re becoming? How He uses an event or a relationship or a season of life to shake us to our core, and cause us to question so many things. And through that, mold us into who He created us to be.

I’m quick to pray the prayer, “God, please remove this suffering…I don’t like it.” But I have found that prayer, in my life, to be a reflection of an immature side of my faith. Instead, I’ve learned to pray, “God, through this suffering, give me eyes to see what you’re up to.” I wish I could say that my knee-jerk reaction to anything difficult in life is this prayer. Alas, I’m a work in progress.

It’s not wrong to ask God to remove pain. But through pain, don’t miss what God’s teaching you. Don’t miss the bigger picture that He’s up to, and how He’s ready and willing to use your pain to help others. (2 Corinthians 1:3-11)

Don’t waste your pain. Let God use it.

Question:

What pain, that you’re experiencing right now, might God be using to shape you into who He created you to be?

What pain, that you’re experiencing right now, might God use to change someone else’s view of life, difficulties, and Jesus?

The distracted driver

May 19, 2012 / Ben Reed / 3 Comments

I’m one of the .001% of people who love to run. I love the lead-up to running. I love the run itself. I love the post-run soreness.

I love it all.

Most of all, I like that I can’t run with my cell phone. When I run, I can’t hear a text message. Or an email. Or a phone call. For the next hour, it’s just me and the road.

It’s an incredibly stress-free time.

image credit: Flickr user Zanthia

Until I see the person who’s not focused on the road. I tend to keep an eye on drivers when I run. Probably because I value my life.

Most people are focused on driving. In fact, they move over to avoid hitting me. I stay on the shoulder of the road, but they give me even more room. I’m thankful for those guys.

Every once in a while, though, I can’t lock eyes with the driver. They’re distracted. They’re fiddling with the radio or texting or…well, I don’t care what they’re doing. They’re not focused on the road. As long as they stay in their lane, everything is ok. But then the drift starts to happen. They begin to slowly slide my direction. I’ve had to jump into ditches to avoid the drifters.

The same thing happens in life, too. Drift happens, and we begin to focus on things that are less important than the task at hand. And in that process, we put others in grave danger.

You endanger others when you

Are a husband, and stop focusing on your wife
Are a pastor, and stop focusing on serving others
Are a leader, and stop focusing on relationships
Own a business, and focus only on the bottom line financial
Lead a non-profit, and get caught up catering to large donors.
Are a small group leader, and only focus on keeping your house straight
Are a coach, and only focus on winning the game
Are a parent, and stop spending quantity time with your child(ren)
Are a politician, and stop focusing on serving people.
Are a friend, and only focus on yourself.
Are a teacher, and focus only on your curriculum.
Are a follower of Jesus, and take your eyes off your King. (re: Hebrews 12:2)

When you aren’t focused on primary things, others can get hurt.

Keep your eyes on the road. And if you see me running, wave and give me a bit of extra room. 🙂

The varied hats a pastor wears

May 16, 2012 / Ben Reed / 9 Comments

A pastor does more than preach on Sunday mornings. In fact, that’s one thing you should be careful saying to your pastor.

We work throughout the week as well, wearing many varied hats. That may be something you forgot about us pastors. If preaching were all we did, our job would be easy.

image credit: Flickr user Small_Realm

I don’t preach every week, but the weeks that I get the opportunity (though I relish it), I’m completely swamped. None of my other responsibilities go away…it’s just a matter of tacking on 20-25 hours of prep time.

I often counsel folks who are sensing a call to ministry. Their idea of full-time ministry is that you get to have a “quiet time” for a couple of hours in the morning, take a long lunch where you meet with friends, drink coffee all afternoon, and go home by 4:00. They think that ministry is easy.

Trying to paint an accurate picture of the day-to-day life of a pastor is difficult, because there are so many different tasks that we are expected to complete. Though seminary was great, and I benefited from it tremendously, it didn’t prepare me for the gamut of roles I’ve found myself in. My title may be “small groups pastor,” but my job description extends well beyond that.

I’m sure that things are no different for you.

The Varying Hats a Pastor Wears

Preacher
Counselor
Leader
Financial planner
Designer
Project manager
Entrepreneur
Videographer
Supervisor
Volunteer coordinator
Theologian
Receptionist
Greeter
Webmaster
Community activist
Writer
Recruiter
Life coach
Shipping department coordinator
Strategist
Social media-ite
Dreamer
Student
Disciplinarian
Teacher
Social activist
Events specialist
Chaplain
CEO
COO
CMO
CFO
Operations management
Janitor
Salesman
Communications specialist

Did I leave anything out, that you do or that you’ve seen other pastors do?

10 Things You Forget About Pastors

May 15, 2012 / Ben Reed / 108 Comments

I had the chance to preach at Grace this past Sunday. What a gift it was.

: apparently, I said something I thought was funny

And what a hard week it was.

Every time I get the call to preach, I forget just how much work it is to prepare until the Wednesday before I preach on Sunday. It’s at that point, when I’m on my 5th rewrite, my 10th bottom line, and my 4th, “I have no idea what I’m going to say” thought for the week.

In the process of preparing and delivering the sermon yesterday, I realized that there are a few things that people often forget about preachers. In fact, I’ve found exactly 10 things that are often forgotten.

10 Things You Forget about Pastors

1. Preaching is a lot of work.

In fact, it takes me between 20-30 hours to prepare my sermon. On top of that, I still have my normal, weekly responsibilities. Last time I checked, adding 30 hours to a work week was a pretty significant amount. The best sermons take time to marinate. Which means that if you enjoyed the sermon…it probably took longer than normal to prepare.

2. Preaching is stressful.

If you mess up in your job, your boss might get upset with you. If we mess up…God is upset with us. I’d rather get the stink eye from your boss than mine any day. 🙂

3. Preaching has a lot of moving parts.

We feel the weight of preaching the Scriptures faithfully, in an engaging way, every time. We have to balance humor, theology, and application, making sure to pepper in just the right number of illustrations, but not too many so that people remember the illustration and not the Truth. That’s a lot to balance on a small stage.

4. We don’t always have it all figured out.

We don’t know it all. Or have all of the answers. Or have every truth we’re preaching on mastered. Growing up, I assumed that my pastor knew everything. Now that I’m in that role, I realize that we don’t.

5. We get worn out, too.

Delivering a sermon is physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining. Expect that we’ll be pretty zapped afterwards. After all, “they” say that delivering a sermon is equivalent to 8 hours of work.

6. If you tell us some important detail on a Sunday morning, we’ll probably forget it.

Feel free to tell us, but follow that up with an email. We’ll thank you later. It’s not that we don’t care in the moment…it’s that our minds are racing, and we often have hundreds of thoughts and ideas we’re wrestling with.

7. Preaching is a gift, but it doesn’t always feel that way.

Some days, it feels more like work. I’d love to say that every time we preach, the heavens open up and God gives us great joy in the preparation and in the delivery. But I’d be lying…sometimes it doesn’t feel like a gift.

8. Criticisms need to wait.

Seriously, if you have a bone to pick, call us on Tuesday. We’ll be in a much better spot to handle criticism then, than on your way out the door on Sunday.

9. We see you texting.

Don’t act like you’ve listened to our sermon…we know better.

10. We have to do it all again next week.

Most preachers preach every week. In fact, most preachers preach on Sunday, Sunday night, and then again on Wednesday night. The work of a pastor is never done.

Question:

Have you ever preached? Do any of these resonate with you?

Big changes

May 8, 2012 / Ben Reed / 2 Comments

Any change takes is tough. Whether that change is at home, at work, or at the gym, change of any sort brings about a mixture of feelings, emotions, and, in the case of the gym, pain. Every time.

There are big changes coming down the pike where I serve on staff at Grace Community Church. My pastor, Ron Edmondson, is leaving to pastor Immanuel Baptist Church in Lexington, KY. Ron helped launch Grace over 6 years ago, and has served as co-pastor the whole time.

Ron and his wife, Cheryl, are leaving a huge hole as they transition out. Ron is an unbelievably gifted leader and communicator. He’s helped lead our staff team, and our church, from 11 families to ~2500 on Sunday mornings. He’s shaped the culture of our church, and our staff team, into a healthy environment. Ron’s not leaving a disheveled mess of a leadership team. In fact, I believe that we’re as healthy as we’ve ever been. He’s leaving on a high note, which makes this faith step even harder.

For most people, it’s easy to walk away from something that’s unhealthy. Especially when you have something healthy to walk into.

But for Ron, he’s doing the opposite. He’s walking away from something that’s thriving (Grace) and towards something that isn’t (Immanuel). Which makes this an even larger step of faith.

I’m proud of Ron, for the step he’s taking, the work he’s done, and the work ahead of him. His next team will be blessed to sit under his teaching and leadership.

I’m also excited for the days ahead of us at Grace. I’m confident in the leadership of Chad Rowland, our lead pastor. God has crafted him to lead our church, and he’s got a staff that’s ready and willing to follow. I’m excited to see how God’s going to use Chad in the coming weeks, months, and years, as Grace transitions into its next season.

Here’s the video we released this week, explaining Ron’s new position, and casting vision for what’s to come.

Question: what’s the biggest change you’ve ever had to face?

The stupidity of leading alone

May 2, 2012 / Ben Reed / 9 Comments

image credit: Creation Swap user http://creationswap.com/kconner

You, alone

are not the Church.

are bull-headed.

are prone to give up.

think you’re right.

are narrow-minded.

only have 24 hours in a day.

have only 2 ears to hear from God.

have only 1 life experience to draw from.

can blindly veer straight into foolishness.

easily slide into pride.

think you’re more amazing than you really are.

are alone.

You, together

collaborate.

curate the best ideas.

encourage one another.

refine processes.

think outside your box.

have 24 x ___ hours in a day.

have 2 x ____ ears to hear from God.

can build more relationships.

have multiple life experiences.

fight against pride that any one person is always “right.”

get more done.

pursue the most wisdom.

are the Church.

So quit trying to lead by yourself.

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. – Proverbs 15:22

10 Simple Ways to Encourage your Pastor

April 26, 2012 / Ben Reed / 6 Comments

Truth: “Hey preacher man, good sermon!” is nice…but come on, we can do better than that, right?

We can do better than the shoulder squeeze with the solemn look in the eye. Better than the slow head nod of approval. Especially when we remember that our pastor spends hours each week pouring out their heart on stage, ministering to and in our communities, and shepherding hard-heads like us.

image credit: Creative Commons user ThisIsAGoodSign

The work of a pastor is often lonely, difficult work…we need your encouragement.

Encouragement isn’t that difficult, but it takes being intentional.

10 Ways to encourage your pastor:

1. Appreciate the work they do throughout the week, not just on Sunday. You know that being a pastor is more than a Sunday gig, right? We don’t love that you-only-work-one-day-a-week ribbing, by the way.

2. Take notes on Sunday. This is a great way to encourage your pastor…at least act like you’re going to work diligently to remember and apply their teaching.

3. Email them on Tuesday and let them know you’re still working through your notes from Sunday.

4. Deflect criticism on their behalf. Your pastor likely takes a lot of heat. Some may be deserved…much of it likely isn’t. Instead of joining in the criticism, stand up and show your pastor some love. Help others see the good side of your pastor.

5. Speak well of your local church. Your pastor takes great care and spends much effort to present and grow a beautiful local church. Speaking well of your church is a great way to encourage and honor the work your pastor’s done.

6. Serve. I don’t mean that you should necessarily bring your pastor dinner…you should serve others in your local church. This is unbelievably encouraging! Your pastor’s desire is not to be the only one who does ministry.

7. Pray for them. Often.

8. Speak well of their spouse. A pastor’s spouse is married to the ministry. They often do ministry themselves, and end up carrying the burden of their spouse as they lead. It’s a tough spot to be in. Speaking well of your pastor’s spouse helps your pastor feel like you’ve got their back.

~~9. Start consistently feeding them fresh preaching points every day. By email. And phone calls. And text messages. And Facebook wall posts.~~

10. Give generously. This is a fruit of faithful, biblical preaching…people growing up in their faith to the point where they’re generous with their financial resources. Give to your local church, yes. But give generously to others. “Don’t let your left hand know what your right is doing.” – Matthew 6:3

Not sure where to start? Pick one for this upcoming week, and bless your pastor. Your local church will be better because of your small investment.

image credit: Creative Commons user ThisIsAGoodSign

Pastors: no cheap shots

April 24, 2012 / Ben Reed / 15 Comments

Yesterday, I talked about an offending experience I had with my digi-Bible. I was directly offended, being the only person in the audience with an iPad…hearing the pastor theologically hammer my iPad as an illegitimate Bible.

This time, from a different preacher, I found myself offended in a different way.

In fact, I wasn’t personally offended. I was offended on behalf of someone else.

I guess you could say I was proxy offended. (or I was proxily offended? Can I get away with that grammatically? Is proxily even a word?)

image via Creation Swap user Daniel Romero

During his sermon, the pastor made an off-handed remark. Though off-handed, it had the desired effect.

It went like this:

The way we do things is…umm…not like other churches here in our community do things…”

He said this while rolling his eyes and shaking his head from side to side, pausing between the words “other” and “churches” for emphasis.

Everybody in the audience knew exactly which other church he was referring to. A handful chuckled. I winced in pain. The guy beside me whispered, “Are they talking about _____?”

He was pointing out a way of doing church services that he didn’t like. A personal preference that he didn’t care for. A programming difference that he had decided not to do in his context.

Instead of simply advocating for his method, he chose to rake another church (and their pastor) through the mud for a quick laugh and a longer-lasting insult.

Truth: It’s never okay to publicly criticize another ministry over a gray area. Never. (I even struggle with the idea of publicly criticizing another church over black-and-white issues. Seems like Matthew 18 would, instead, prompt me to have a redemption-minded conversation with them instead of public condemnation)

Not from the stage. Not in staff meeting. Not in a blog post.

Just because you can say something doesn’t mean you should.

Do what you’re called to do. Do it well. And when you have an opinion about another church…stuff it. Let it motivate you to do what you do even better.

You’d rather not be as “flashy”? Then don’t.

You’d rather not have as many programs? Then don’t.

You’d rather not have a keytar? Then don’t.

You’d rather focus more heavily on the homeless community? Then do.

You’d rather preach for 75 minutes? Then do.

You’d rather sing from hymnals? Then do.

When it’s a gray issue, leave it between that local congregation and God. Public condemnation tears the Kingdom apart.

Question: have you ever heard a pastor publicly criticize another local church?

10 Things to Do When You Get Tired in Church

April 21, 2012 / Ben Reed / 19 Comments

image via Creative Commons user Rosino

Ever get tired during a church service?

Don’t lie. You do.

Ever doze off? Ever act like you didn’t doze off, and think you fooled your friends?

Don’t lie.

I was speaking recently, and noticed a couple of guys in the back nodding off. I’m sure they had had a tough week. Probably had packed their day too full to worry with staying awake. I get it. I’m a young guy who’s got nothing to say to them, right? Nothing that they need to hear more than they need a quick shut-eye.

But there are a few things you can do when you get tired in church. Some preventative measures. Soem ninja-like moves that’ll fool the best of speakers. And some that reflect just how busy your life is.

If you ever have a tendency to get tired during a church service, I’ve got your answer.

What to do when you get tired in church

1. Get a cup of coffee. I call this the pre-emptive strike. You know you’re not going to make it, so you wisely load up on the caffeine.

2. ‘Pray’. Make a fist with both hands and put your forehead on it. You’ll look regal and holy, as if you’re under such great conviction and duress that all you can do is pray.

3. Shake your head up and down deeply. This is especially helpful if you actually doze off. This one just needs to be in your back pocket. It looks like you heartily agree with whatever was just said. Little do your neighbors know, you have no idea what was just said.

4. Start dancing in the aisles. That’ll get the blood going. Shout, scream, and let the Spirit take over. Not the one that causes you to fall asleep, though.

5. Ask your pastor to not preach boring sermons. That’s a joke. Kind of. 🙂

6. Two words: smelling salts. If you want to wake up, this will do the trick. Immediately.

7. Shout a loud, “Amen!” The moment your head bobs, let it rip. If the context works, you’re amazing. If it doesn’t, you’re mysterious, and people will wonder how you’re so holy that you found conviction in the sentence, “Turn your Bibles to _____.”

8. “Reach down to get something under your seat.” When you doze and your head falls down, act natural…you were only reaching down to pick something up off of the floor, right?

9. Play on your phone, and loudly whisper, “I’m using YouVersion.” If you don’t have a smartphone, this is a bit more difficult to pull off. Not a reason to not try it, though. Playing on your phone will keep you bright and alert.

10. Embrace it. Bring a neck pillow. Start to drool. Claim Sunday as a Sabbath and drink in a good nap.

Now you know what to do when you get tired in church.

No reason to go to bed earlier on a Saturday night.

No reason to try to engage more so you don’t doze off.

No reason to ask God to give you energy because you know you need to worship.

No, not you.

You’ve got a bag full of excuses.

And your time is too valuable to stay awake during a church service.

* image via Creative Commons user Rosino