Tag: small group tips

Introverts, Extroverts, and small groups part II

Yesterday, I highlighted the challenges that introverts and extroverts face when a small group launches.  You can read that post HERE.  Today, we’ll take a look at the second phase of group life, what I’m calling “the middle.”  I know, I know…where did I come up with that name?  I’m just a bastion of creativity…

“The middle” phase of small group life can be pretty boring.  You’ve lost the luster of the new group, you know almost everybody’s “junk,” you’ve gone through a study or two together, and there’s no real end in sight.  This is actually a dangerous time in the life of a group, where a group can lose much steam and excitement, with the foundations laid in the first couple of months quickly washing away.

Understanding how you’re wired (introverted or extroverted) can help you and your group fight against the doldrums of “the middle.”

The Middle of a Small Group:

*Extroverts can really struggle during this time.  They have built a relationship with everyone in the group, exhausted all they want out of that relationship, and are ready for the next challenge.  They’ve shared their story, cried it out, and listened to everyone else’s.  They’ve noticed areas of growth that need to happen and they’re ready to work on it.  In short, their question now is, “What’s next??”

A word of encouragement to extroverts: The group needs you now as much as ever!  Don’t give up.  Don’t stop sharing your struggles, your victories, your questions.  And the fact that you’re ready for what’s next…that’s a great thing!  Help the group continue to think creatively, and not get into such a fixed routine that people get bored.  You may share your story in one big chunk…but not everybody does it like that.  Others prefer to share theirs in bits and pieces over time…and they need you to continue to press in and ask Gospel-centered questions that promote growth.

Introverts can also really struggle during this time.  They’ve formed close relationships with one or two other people, and they are satisfied.  There are lots of other people in the group, but forging a relationship with them (especially after you’ve had countless surface-level conversations) would be too difficult, so they’re content to maintain those couple of close ties.  At this point, instead of looking at small group as a time to grow and serve others, they begin to look at the group saying, “What’s in it for me?”

A word of encouragement to introverts: Don’t. Grow. Comfortable.  Continue to share more and more of your story with more and more of the group.  Step out of your comfort zone and grab coffee with another group member.  Help the group to take a step towards authentic relationships.  Your strengths can’t be ripped out of the group right now!  You can be the glue that holds the group together, because you see the value in fostering deep relationships.

“The middle” season of a small group can be marked by growing complacency.  Don’t let that happen.

Ever seen any of these dynamics in a small group?

Are you more introverted or extroverted?

*Remember, these are generalizations.  You may not find yourself fitting neatly into these categories.  But some will.

 

Ernie Halter, shallow lyrics, community, and YOU

I took my wife on a date last night.  We went to 3rd and Lindsley, a bar & grill in downtown Nashville, to eat and listen to music.  We both enjoy music from the singer-songwriter genre, and though neither of us were too familiar with the lineup of musicians, we enjoyed the night. (as a side note, Paulie Pesh, the opener for the show, was really good)

Listening to the headliner Ernie Halter (another side note…neither of us liked his performance.  The music was okay, but the lyrics, and his commentary on them, were really shallow, which is not becoming of somebody in the singer-songwriter genre), perform, I was struck by this:

Why is it easier for a musician, who knows nobody in the crowd, to be completely vulnerable and honest with his in-between-songs-running-commentary, than it is for people in a small group?

Maybe it’s the fact that he didn’t know anybody in the crowd.

Maybe he’s just an open book.

Maybe it’s that he was 2000+ miles from home, and didn’t count on word traveling back to LA.

Maybe he had had too much to drink.

Whatever the reason, he quickly developed a relationship with the audience.  He had them (except my wife and I) eating out of his hand, sharing stories that allowed the crowd to be able to quickly know his story and his struggles.  Community was developed in a matter of a couple of minutes.

The quicker a small group can move from surface-level talks about the weather to deeper talks about real life, the quicker they can move into authentic community.  And this move to authentic community needs to start with you.  Whether you’re the group leader or not, you can be the one that helps your group move away from one-word answers to questions and prayer requests for your next-door neighbor’s 2nd cousin’s cat.  You can begin to discuss and pray over personal issues that matter, and lead the group to do the same.

Are you willing to take the risk?

 

Small group leaders, listen up!

Be quick to listen, slow to speak. -James 1:19

James knew us too well. He knows that we would struggle with speaking too much, too quickly, and too often. He knew that it would be easier to step up and say something than to push through silence and allow someone else time to process and respond.

James was a wise man. And we’d do well to follow his wisdom.

Small group leaders need to remember this when leading their small group.

4 Ways to Listen Well

1. Listen intently to people’s stories. Knowing where somebody has come from and why they gave that particular answer will be unbelievably helpful for you as you lead that person.  Listening to and remembering people’s stories makes them feel that you care, and is a way you can love your group members.

2. Ask questions and wait for answers. Don’t ask a question and give your answer first.  Let others chew on it and share their thoughts.  Some people are slower to answer than others.  They may be more contemplative and take longer to process their answers.  Or, they may simply be polite and not want to talk over anybody.  As the group leader, be okay with silence. You may have introverts in your group.

3. Observe body language. Communication happens verbally and non-verbally.  Don’t neglect either. If someone seems to be eager to engage, give them the chance. If they’re hesitant, be careful pressing in too much.

4. Ask follow-up questions. Instead of taking an answer at face value and moving on, linger for a while.  Ask a follow-up question that draws the answer out a bit more.  Ask the group for feedback.  Listen for similarities and differences in responses, and connect them.

Truth: The goal of a small group is not for the “right” answer to be the first answer.

Work to facilitate discussion.

Work to listen more and talk less.

 

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