Can I tell you something about yourself?

You know a complainer.

The guy that, no matter what happens, no matter how good or bad a situation, he’s going to find a way to be upset about something. The girl that is constantly down on whatever you, or anyone else, does.

image credit: CreationSwap user Alan Belcher

They’re good at tearing people down, discouraging an entire team, and slowing growth.

Here’s the reality: there is always something to complain about.

Life is often exceedingly difficult. Organizations are often in decline. Things seemingly couldn’t get worse.

If we’re honest with ourselves, “complainers” put words to the thoughts racing through our heads. But there’s a difference in having a thought and acting on it. A difference in having a thought and fleshing that out for everyone to join in with you. A difference in keeping a thought to yourself and recruiting others to moan with you. *

No matter where you are in life, you’ll find complainers.

• At family gatherings.
• At church.
• At the water cooler at work.
• At conferences.
• On vacation.
• On Facebook.
• By text message
• By email
• By phone calls
• By twitter updates.

Brothers don’t shake hands

Complainers need a hug. They need to be told that it’s going to be okay. They need to be reminded that God is in control, and that he’s a good, loving, kind God.

But they don’t need to be put in the role of director, no matter the size or structure of your organization. In fact, it’s incredibly dangerous for your organization if these people are put into director roles.

5 Dangers of a Complaining Team Member

1. They’ll drag the whole team down with them.

Before you know it, your organization will be full of doubting, complaining naysayers who see nothing but doom and gloom. Complainers are great recruiters.

2. They compromise your vision.

They ratchet up the negative aspect of the vision God’s placed in your heart, and if you’re not careful, you are pulled into the vortex of their negativity, and your once-clear vision becomes muddied.

3. They’ll not perform their job well.

They’ll be focused on the difficult parts of their job, and be distracted from the good, positive aspects.

4. They’ll not help your organization move forward.

Stuck on past failures and current challenges, they’ll not be challenged to press forward and find new, innovative solutions.

5. They’re never satisfied.

As soon as something goes their way, they’ve found another situation to complain about. They’re toxic even in the best of times. Nothing you can do will satiate their desire for more complaints. Everything you do fuels their fire.

Nip complaining in the bud. It’s a heart issue, reflective of a heart that doesn’t rest soundly in the goodness and power of God. And it’ll rot your team from the inside out.

Don’t let complainers be directors.

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” – Philippians 2:14-15

* I’m not naive. I can be honest when personal, and organizational, change needs to happen. I’m not contending that you should mask all problems with a smile. I’m making the argument that constant complainers are toxic.

* image credit: CreationSwap user Alan Belcher

 

I ask small group leaders often, “Who is your apprentice? Your Co-leader? What potential leaders do you have in your group?”

The reply I get more than any other is this:

Nobody in my group is anywhere near ready to lead other people.

I guarantee you, though, if I were to sit in their group meeting, I could pick out a handful of potential leaders.

I’ve found that the word “potential” is a tough word to grasp. We often jump right over it. Instead of “potential,” we hear “proven.” Or “ready.” Or “perfect.”

photo credit: Ahisgett (Creative Commons)

“Potential” is different. Think back to your days in science class, where you learned about the difference between potential energy and kinetic energy. Kinetic energy is the energy of motion. It’s the energy of work. The more work you do, the more kinetic energy you produce. The faster you move, the more kinetic energy you build up.

Potential energy is energy that’s stored up, waiting for an outside mover. Waiting for a nudge, a kick, or a “suggestion.” It’s hard to “see” potential energy. A roller coaster, at the top of a hill, has potential energy. A ball, just before it’s dropped, has lots of potential energy. A spring, when fully outstretched, has lots of potential energy.

When I’m sitting with a leader, asking what other “potential” leaders are present in their group, they are looking for “kinetic energy” leaders. They’re looking for someone who’s already leading. They want to suggest someone whose kinetic energy is building, not someone who has potential energy stored up.

Someone who has potential energy may look uncommitted and unmotivated. They may appear lazy. It may seem that they’re far from being ready to lead.

Seeing Potential

Seeing potential is tough, because you can’t look at who, or what, is in front of you. You’re looking at what’s in front of someone else. Often, what’s in front of them is something that they haven’t seen themselves. Potential energy isn’t moving mountains and creating waves. Potential energy may be sitting calmly, not realizing the kinetic energy right in front of them.

Which is exactly why they need a nudge. From you.

Here are 6 easy ways to nudge to a potential leader

1. Tell them that you believe in them. And mean it. Encouragement goes a long way in nudging a potential leader.

2. Tell them the potential you see in them. Help paint a picture for them of what could be if they were to lead.

3. Give them a chance to lead, and set things up for an easy win.

4. Ask for feedback on your own leadership. Ask them how they think you could improve.

5. Read a book on leadership…together. Meet as you’re reading through it, and discuss observations you find.

6. Give them authority over an area of your organization, or over a special project. Trust them to make decisions and lead well, and follow up to ensure they feel supported and are growing.

Question:

Do you find it difficult to spot potential leaders? How do you give them a nudge?

* photo credit: Ahisgett

 

Young leaders often feel behind the curve.

Every meeting they attend, every team they lead, every trip they plan…they’re the youngest and least experienced. And, in my case, I’ve been in the room where everybody present had children older than me.

I can’t tell you how many looks I was flashed that said, “How cute…he’s trying to lead us…isn’t that neat?!?” As a leader, that’s frustrating.

When I started in my current role, I was the youngest on staff.

When I started in my current role, I was the younger than every one of the small group leaders at Grace.

But over time, I’ve been able to grow some level of influence. And here’s one principle I’ve learned:

Be faithful in the little things.

If I was given a task, even if it didn’t directly relate to my area of leadership, I worked to make sure I completed the task well. Not just half-heartedly, but with excellence.

If I took on a new responsibility, I made sure that I was 100% faithful, to the best of my abilities and even more so, to exceed expectations.

And this principle is biblical:

One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much… – Luke 16:10

It’s the little things, the smaller responsibilities, that are the greatest test of character, not the bigger ones. Letting the ball drop on the “little things” is a symptom of a heart that’s not ready for bigger, weightier things.

If you’re given smaller, less significant assignments and you fail to meet and exceed expectations, why would those who are in leadership over you trust you to meet and exceed expectations in more significant roles?

The insignificant tasks you take on early in leadership may be just that…insignificant. Except for one thing: they show your character. And if you want to gain influence, character (even more than age and experience) is key.

A certain level of trust must be granted to you because you’re young. But a deeper, more substantial level of trust, the one you’re looking for, is earned.

Trust is earned one faithful step at a time.

Be faithful in the small steps. It’ll pay off in time.

Have you ever dropped the ball on a small responsibility?

Did you see that affect your influence?

*Image credit Creation Swap user Drew Palko

 

Stuck Between Stages

I find myself in a strange stage of life at this moment. In many ways, I can appeal to two very different groups: older leaders and younger leaders.

To younger leaders, I’m older. I’ve been in vocational ministry for nearly 6 years, have experience writing, teaching, leading teams, and consulting. I’ve been married for more than 7 years and have a 3 year old son. To “young” leaders, I’m old…ahem…experienced.

To older leaders, I’m still young. I’m not yet 30, still have a young child, have not run as many ministry laps as others, and still have a lot to learn. The “wet” behind my ears isn’t yet fully dried.

I find myself stuck between new leaders and old leaders. Which leaves me categorically nowhere. Thanks a lot, late-20s.

Living the Tension

For many of the decisions in my life right now, I live in this tension. I’ve been around long enough to stand on my own feet…but l have also been around long enough to know I don’t know everything. There are still days I feel in over my head. There are still days where I doubt myself. There are still days when I desperately need the sage advice that experience brings.

But I’ve been around long enough that people are looking at me for that same kind of advice. Which frightens me…and should frighten many others, too.

Many days, I wonder whether the next step forward is a good one…or is just a creepy man with a white wigbeard. Should I tell him what I want…or look at him, like my son did, with much trepidation?

photo credit: me

Allow me, out of this tension, to speak to you.

To older leaders:

We need you. Urge us to proceed with caution or to run full throttle. Prod us to start something new. Encourage us to quit doing what we’re doing. Tell us what you would do if you were our age. We crave your years of experience. We long to learn from your failures so we don’t replicate them. Help us to stand on your shoulders and see further than our own vantage point offers.

To younger leaders:

Seek wisdom. It’s out there for you. In books, podcasts, and blog posts. It’s available in other men and women, screaming to shed light on the dark and confusing areas of your life. Don’t try to navigate the fog on your own. Life’s too short, and you haven’t lived enough of it.

Out in the open wisdom calls aloud, she raises her voice in the public square; on top of the wall she cries out, at the city gate she makes her speech. (Proverbs 1:20-21)

Whatever stage in life you find yourself, you have a role. Lead upwards and downwards, sideways and backwards. The Kingdom needs you.

 

If you want none of your emails read, read my post HERE. But, since you’re reading this post, my guess is that you would prefer an increasing amount of your virtual letters to be read and acted upon. Am I right?

Whether you like it or not, you’ve got to send emails.

On a daily basis, I’m sending and receiving hundreds of emails. And when I send an email I hope it gets read. I spend time crafting exactly what I want to say. I take out the extraneous. I boil it down to the essentials. And I hit “send.”

If you put time into an email, you expect people to read it too, right?

10 Tricks to getting your Emails Read

Bold the things you want read. Understand that every word won’t be read. By “bolding” the important words, you ensure that they’ll be read.

Start your email with the most important things. Again, assume people won’t read ever word.

Leave an action statement at the bottom. Many times, people will read the first few sentences and the last few. Make sure you catch them before they hit “delete.”

Break your email into two sections: short and long. Be explicit with what you’re doing. In the “short” section, just give bullet points. No explanations, just the facts. In the “long” section, elaborate on each point a little bit, giving people more details if they want to read more.

Include your main point in the subject line. 

Include an action step in the subject line. This may not guarantee that your email will be read, but it will ensure that what you want done because of the email gets done.

Use numbered lists. People are more likely to read your email if they know that there are only __ points in it. Lists are magical.

Less is more. Keep your emails under 250 words. Anything more deserves a phone call. Or a cup of coffee. Or both.

Cc their superior. This is a ninja move. It could get you what you want. But it could get you enemies just as quickly.

Never FWD junk email. Never. It breaks trust rather than building it.

 

photo credit: creation swap user Drew Palko

I meet with leaders regularly. Mostly, those are small group leaders at Grace, where I’m on staff.

Nearly every leader struggles with feelings of insecurity about their leadership (I put myself in that boat, too). It’s just part of living life as a broken, fallible human trying to lead people.

Leaders wonder

• whether our upcoming decision is the right one.
• whether the decision we just made was the right one.
• if we’re strong enough for the job.
• if we’re pleasing the right people.
• whether we’re being successful.
• whether we’re the right person for the job.

Leaders say

If all leaders, at some level, struggle with insecurity, then all leaders need to hear these words spoken to them:

You can do this.

Moses and Joshua

When Moses was about to die, he knew he needed to pass the baton of leadership for the people of Israel. There was a huge task in front of the Israelites, and they needed a strong leader. Moses knew it wouldn’t be him (we learn this from Numbers 20:12) In Deuteronomy 31:1-8, we see Moses addressing the Israelites in preparation for his coming death. After addressing the people, he called Joshua to him and we read this:

“Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the sight of all Israel, ‘Be strong and courageous, for you shall go with this people into the land…”

Joshua was taking on a huge responsibility, following the greatest leader that the nation of Israel had known. I can only imagine the feelings of insecurity that were coursing through Joshua in that moment. A confirmation from Moses was what Joshua, this young leader, needed. He needed to hear from another leader, “You can do this.”

Moses told Joshua that he believed in him. He believed that Joshua was the man for the job. He believed that Joshua had what it took to get the job done. Not on his own, of course…”it is the Lord who goes before you.” (Deuteronomy 31:8) In fact, this was so important that Moses affirmed Joshua “in the presence of all Israel.” Joshua needed this encouragement and affirmation.

Encouraging another leader

Every leader needs to hear this from another leader. They need to hear, “You can do this” from someone they respect. They need to hear this from you. It’s vital to their continued growth.

If this is so important, how can you honestly and helpfully encourage and affirm another leader?

Listen to them. Ask good questions. Look to affirm the work they’ve been doing, and speak hope into them. You’ve been where they are, and you’ve had the feelings of insecurity they’re having. Give them these 4 words:

You can do this.

 

Leaders should dream, because without dreaming there’s no forward momentum.

But dreaming without leading can leave you out-dreaming your team.

Photo Credit: Creation Swap User Rob Gros

A good friend of mine has a boss that lives in her dream world. Her boss is living out her dream of owning her own small business…this is what she’s wanted to do her whole life. And she gets frustrated when those she’s hired don’t have hearts that beat for the business like hers does, and when her employees aren’t as personally invested in her dream as she is. Though she has great employees (case-in-point, my friend), they feel like they can never measure up to the standard that their boss sets as a pace for the organization, even when they’ve accomplished their job well.

I’d love to say that this only happens in the secular world, but I’d venture to reason that you’ve seen this dynamic on Sunday mornings at church. Maybe you’ve even fallen into this trap.

Ever have a volunteer you’re responsible for not show up? Ever been frustrated by that?

When church leaders grow frustrated because they’re out-dreaming those they’re leading, they often heap guilt on others. Here’s a scenario for you:

Sorry, I can’t make it this Sunday…it’s been a crazy week…I’m tired, my kids are tired, and I’m just not going to be able to make it to volunteer in the parking ministry…

Sorry I can’t make it this Sunday, we’re going out of town next week and I need to get things ready…

Sorry I can’t make it this Sunday, I’m going to the _____ game Sunday afternoon…

To which every church staffer thinks

I’ve had a hard week too…I’m tired…and I want to go to that game!!

And the follow-up thought, if you’ll be honest with yourself right now, is this:

Do they really love Jesus? Because if they did…

Confession Time

I’ve fallen into the trap of out-dreaming those on my team. See, I’m living my dream right now. I absolutely love what I do. I love my church, the team I get to work with, and what I get to do within it. And sometimes…*shocker*…I have some volunteers that aren’t as committed to leading their small group as I am to leading this ministry.

I find a part of me growing frustrated that they’re not as invested in this as I am. Frustrated that I put long, hard hours into leading the ministry, while they have other dreams they’re pursuing (which, in the moment, I’d call less important). I’ve even thought, “If it were me, I’d give up _____ so I could lead my small group.” Or, “If I were them, I’d not let my kids do _____ so that I could love people and lead my small group well…” Those are some low moments for me.

In those moments, I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that this is my dream, not theirs.

Leaders: your dream is your dream. Don’t expect that everybody is going to be invested in it like you are.

Sure, you cast vision well. Sure, you recruit leaders well. Sure, you sell the mission well. But at the end of the day

• It’s your vision, not theirs.
• It’s your job, not theirs.
• It’s your passion, not (necessarily) theirs.
• You live for this, they don’t.
• They have other dreams, you don’t.

This shouldn’t discourage you from dreaming. But if you’re going to dream, dream well.

Leaders that Dream Well

• Allow people to dream with them. Maybe you’re dreaming too small. If you’re going to accomplish your dream, you’ve got to have other people on board. More people = more laborers = more ideas = more solutions = bigger, more effective dreams.
• Allow flexibility in their dream. In this, you may have to actually give up part of your dream, but in the process, your give your dream the chance to go further. Allowing flexibility means you work from a modified, but unified dream. More flexibility = more buy-in = more unified vision = bigger, more effective dreams.
• Equip people, but don’t leave them hanging. It’s not their job, after all, to make sure your dream is accomplished. Equip them to work well, but don’t send them out to do a job because you don’t want to do it. Help them accomplish the vision you’ve given them, don’t simply heap a burden on them. More support = more effective work = less burnout = bigger, more effective dreams.
• Lead well. Lead people to adopt your vision. Don’t look at this from the “You’re either all-in or all-out” vantage point. Lead people to buy in to your vision. Cast vision well, love well, and be patient. After all, how long did it take before you fully followed what God was calling you to do? More leadership = more leaders involved (leaders attract leaders) = more followers involved (leaders also attract followers) = bigger, more effective dreams. 

Have you ever out-dreamed your team?

Have you ever been expected to adopt someone else’s dream that wasn’t your own?

 

Photo Credit: Back Drop Express

My son asked me to go outside and play football with him yesterday. Mind you, he’s 3. So football for him looks a lot safer for me now than it will in a few years.

We were throwing the ball back and forth, and he was loving every minute of it. I’d throw it as high as I could, and he’d watch it come crashing down to the ground and bounce strange directions. He’d mimic me and watch it bounce again.

He’d say, “Daddy…watch me!” And I’d watch him throw the ball up in the air and hear him squeal with delight that he did it.

Of course, when he would, I’d go nuts, making a big deal and encouraging him that he threw the ball.

Then one time, unintentionally, I didn’t encourage him. I didn’t tell him he did a good job. I watched him throw the ball, then walked over to pick it up and continue the cycle.

It’s not that he didn’t do a good job…I just didn’t tell him that he did.

And he asked me a question that caused me to stop mid-stride:

Dat cool, daddy?

He wanted to know if he was still doing it right. He wanted validation from someone who knew the ropes, and knew what a “good throw” was supposed to look and feel like. He wanted to hear from his dad that I thought what he was doing was cool.

Don’t we all have a bit of that longing inside of us?

We all want to be validated by someone who knows the ropes. By someone who’s been in our shoes and walked where we’re going. Who can shed a little light on our paths to make the journey a little more navigable.

Older leaders: we need your encouragement. We need your ‘atta-boy!’ We need your wisdom and insight. We need your gut-level response to our gut-level response.

Don’t give up on us. We need you.

But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. – Hebrews 3:13

*Photo credit: BackDrop Express

 

Photo Credit: Creative Commons User: Pavement Pieces

I love a good competition. Whether we’re talking about sports, board games, or racing to the car, I love the rush of adrenaline you get when the heat is on.

But when it comes to an organization, competition can be healthy or unhealthy. Unhealthy team competition says, “If you win, I lose. If I win, you lose.” Healthy team competition says, “I want to continually improve…because I see you continually getting better. If you win, I win. If you and I win, WE win.”

Many teams, unfortunately, operate on the “win/lose” spectrum of competition.

How do you know if you’re on that kind of team? Here is a test. Check any boxes that apply:

[ ] I get frustrated when another team member “takes” my leader.

[ ] I have no concern for who I recruit for my team…it doesn’t matter what other team they serve on or what their other commitments are.

[ ] I have never suggested a leader to be a part of another team…I’ve only recruited for my own.

[ ] I have said this: “I can’t believe how much budget money the _____ team gets. We need more money than they do because we’re having an impact with ______.”

[ ] I better have a conversation with that new guy. He’s solid, and I don’t want _____ to snatch him up first.

[ ] I have said this: “I know you’re helping out with the ______ team, but you’re better than that. If you want, we can give you a more important role with us.”

[ ] I have thought this: “If I sit down with _____ to recruit them to leadership, I’m only thinking positions on my team. I don’t have the time, energy, or desire to think and recruit for other teams.”

[ ] I have thought this: “It doesn’t matter how a person is gifted or what their passions are…we have a need on our team, and this person could fill it.”

If you checked any of the above boxes, you have a “win/lose” mindset that is detrimental to your organization’s overall success. And it’s time to shift to a win/win mindset.

Win/win is not simply a personality trait. It’s also not that the person who strives for win/win in an organization is afraid of conflict. Teams that strive for win/win know that a win for another team in an organization is a win for the everyone. Your win is our win. Your loss is our loss.

How do you make this transition with your organization?

Shifting to a Win/Win Mindset

1. Quit viewing your team as a silo.

Instead, begin to view your team as a part of the whole organization, with everybody contributing to the overall health. If the organization is simply one silo, then every “win” means the whole silo “wins.” Every “loss” means the whole silo “loses.”

2. Meet with other team leaders to find out their needs.

Gather multiple team leaders together and find out what needs they have. I recently met with our church’s small groups team, and we shared with each other the leadership holes we each have. It’s important for us to know cross-ministry leadership roles so that when we’re recruiting a potential leader, we each have in the back of our mind, “College ministry needs 5 new leaders, adult small groups needs 2, elementary groups needs 4, etc..” We’re on the lookout for potential leaders in multiple areas, not just our own. Our team operates on the win/win principle.

3. Listen for gifts and passions.

As you recruit leaders, listen for their gifts and passions. Finding the best fit for a leader is more important than fitting them somewhere on my team simply because we have a need. If I sit with a leader and recruit them for college, instead of preschool, it’s not that college “wins” and preschool “loses.” College “wins” and our organization “wins” because when college ministry is better, we’re all better.

 4. Intentionally invest in another team, expecting nothing in return.

Once you’ve listened to the needs present in other teams, you are aware of the holes that they have. Don’t just sit on that information…send some leaders and resources their way! Be generous. If you’re thinking “win/win,” then you’ll trust that if another team takes a step forward, that doesn’t force you to take a step backwards. It helps the whole organization progress.

5. Congratulate another team member on his or her accomplishment.

Instead of festering over how she’s succeeding, genuinely congratulate her. Be excited for the steps forward she and her team are taking. When you create an environment of mutual encouragement, you’re less likely to look for areas to undercut other team members.

When everybody on the team understands the win/win concept, you have a better chance of experiencing forward momentum. Without it, expect backbiting and disunity to dominate.

What kind of team are you on right now?

* Photo Credit: Creative Commons User: Pavement Pieces

 

Scott Boren (Twitter, Facebook, blog) has written an incredible book…one you should read. In fact, you can read it for free…just keep reading to see how!

Scott wrote MissioRelate as a way of prodding small group systems to move towards life-changing, relational experiences that draw people into missional group life.

The word ‘missional’ seems to be abuzz acros the landscape of the American church. It’s ‘hip’ to be ‘missional’ right now. What I love about Scott’s work is that he plainly lays out the foundations of what it takes for small groups to be truly missional, both theologically and practically. This book just might change the way you think about small groups…in a very good way.

Check out this interview I did with Scott (sorry…for some reason, my video froze. I’ll figure out the whole recording thing soon enough!).

Here are the questions Scott answers:

1. You talk a lot about rhythms in your book…why are rhythms so important to group life?

2. You’re pretty critical of current small groups systems. What churches are doing it ‘right’ now?

3. How do you see the typical American mindset influencing church life these days?

5. Give us a couple of practical steps that a small group could take to really draw people in to missional group life.

Scott mentions a few resources in the video. You can see those HERE.

I’m giving away 2 copies of Scott’s book! To enter, just do one of the following:

1. Tweet a link back to this post. You can use this if you’d like: Check out a great new book on missional small groups from @mscottboren: http://ow.ly/6Xery

2. Facebook a link back to this post. You can use this if you’d like: Check out a great new book on missional small groups from Scott Boren: http://ow.ly/6Xery  // (make sure you tag me so I can enter you into the drawing)

3. Leave a comment telling us whether you think that ‘missional small groups’ are a good idea or not.

In your comment, please be sure to leave your email address so I can contact the winners!

I’ll complete the drawing on Saturday evening, October 15th, at 8:00 pm.

But even if you don’t win, you can pick up a copy of the book HERE.