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Authentic community and stinging honesty

Confession 1: I’m not a huge fan of American Idol.

Confession 2: I kind of like the first few weeks of auditions.

It’s probably completely the sinful side of me that enjoys those awful auditions that make our ears bleed. Oftentimes though, I’ll watch the first few weeks of a season then check out once the competition officially begin.

I watch as people who think they can sing like an angel crash and burn in front of 3 judges and millions of TV viewers. As the hour progresses, I’m struck by a strange combination of emotions, wanting to laugh, cry, and scream at my TV all at the same time.

The whole time I’m wondering why so many of these people’s friends told them that they were good. You know that they didn’t arrive at this conclusion all by themselves. Someone else must have told them, “Umm…yeah, that’s good. You should try out for American Idol!” Or, “You’ll really go somewhere with that voice.” Or, “Yes, you are a superstar!”

I began to wonder if we try to do similar things in “community,” encouraging people where they’re not gifted. Praising people when they don’t need to be praised.

Dishonest community

In the short-run, it’s easier to choose a ‘white lie” and preserve the peace than to find a way to lovingly speak the truth.

If I think I have the gift of teaching, but I’m awful at teaching, don’t tell me I’m good. If I didn’t do a good job, don’t tell me, “That’s the best sermon I’ve ever heard!” Be honest! It’ll sting in the short run, but like momma always said, “Honesty’s always the best policy.”
If I think I have the gift of hospitality, but I’m a jerk when I’m hosting people in my home, don’t let me keep thinking I’m doing a great job. Authentic community is honest.
If I think I’m a good writer, but my writing stinks, it would be unloving of you to tell me that it’s wonderful. And ultimately, if I think my writing is good, and I don’t work on it, in the long run I’ll never try to improve. And what I think I’m a superstar at will make me look foolish. I would bear the responsibility for that, but those along the way who were not honest with me would bear the load, too.

Authentic community is others-focused, not just you-focused.

Helping people understand their gifts is vital to the success of any leader. But don’t lead them to believe they’re awesome in something that they’re not. Speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) to those you participate in community with is a difficult thing to do. But it’s incredibly honoring as you seek to help someone improve a gift they’re using. Your words are setting them on a path to utilizing their gifts, not just embarrassing themselves with it.

Gifts are like muscles…they need to be exercised in order to be effective. Sometimes exercise has to start with a little honesty. And honesty is best received in the context of healthy, authentic, loving community.

Do not lie to each other. – Colossians 3:9

Community is realized in story

November 14, 2011 / Ben Reed / 13 Comments

Community is realized in story.

Image credit Creation Swap user Pierce Brantley

On the first night of our small group, I didn’t want to make things too awkward. I didn’t want to be the guy who dumped all of my junk on everyone…you know, the emo guy that just goes around with a rain cloud over my head, and shares dark things all of the time. You know who I’m talking about. Every time you talk to them you think, “How are you even still alive? You are so dark and mysterious…”

Community and Prayer

I didn’t want to pressure people too much, so I closed in prayer. I just laid it out there and said, “Hey, we’re going to close in prayer…please don’t feel the pressure to share anything…if you want prayer, please mention it and someone will volunteer to pray out loud for you in a moment.” There must have been something magical in those words. Because in that moment, the heavens opened up and it was glorious.

Our group gravitated towards each other’s stories. We could’ve gravitated towards a lot in that moment, but it was with each unfolding story that our group began moving inwards.

I didn’t ask for community to happen…it just did. Our group went from fragmented, broken individuals to a unified community in the matter of about 12 minutes. And I’ve seen this over and over again. Fragmented individuals come together more quickly and more tightly, forming the bonds of community, through the power of story. Stories reveal shared experiences.

Isn’t Community Through the Gospel?

I know that some of you right now are saying, “Nope, it’s not through story, you crazy liberal! It’s through Gospel. We’re aiming for Gospel-centered community, NOT story-centered community. Have you read Blue Like Jazz too many times?”

Community is not realized in a group simply when we find out that we all follow Jesus.

Community is realized

When I hear how the Gospel has changed your life.
When I hear the junk you’ve had to deal with, and that God’s grace has brought you through it.
When I hear the pain you’ve been through, yet hear how the hope of the Gospel has sustained you.
When I hear about how the Gospel has changed your desires.
When I see that the Gospel transformed your family.

In the process of hearing your story, I hear mine. I make connections between who you were and who I was. I link who you’re becoming with who I’m becoming. And I see that the Gospel is strong enough. Scandalous enough. Generous enough. Big enough to transform my story, too.

Your story gives me hope.

Without your story, community isn’t found. “Bible study” may be found. “Fun” may be found. “Relationships” may be found. But genuine community is formed when I see and hear and feel and smell and hug and experience the Gospel in your life.

To choose to not share your story is to choose fear. And it’s choosing a weak, inadequate form of community when the Gospel offers much, much more.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. – Romans 12:15-16

Community: Taking Your Small Groups Off Life Support

September 19, 2011 / Ben Reed / 2 Comments

My friend, Brad House (on Twitter HERE), has written a book, Community: Taking Your Small Groups off Life Support, that calls on you to wake up to the life-changing, community-altering reality of biblical, authentic, Gospel-centered community.

This book will challenge you to take your groups to the next level, equipping your church to facilitate small groups focused on transformation through the Gospel.

Check out this promo, then pick up a copy HERE.

The significance of community

June 3, 2011 / Ben Reed / 2 Comments

This is a guest post by Nikki Eidson. Nikki is a young adult living and working in Charleston, SC. She’s seeking community. You can follow her on Twitter, Facebook, and both of her blogs: Crazy Asian of Charleston or Faith Overflow.

image via Ardent Cries

When I began processing my experiences with my small groups, I had the idea of writing about the importance of community for young adults (since this is the age category I fall under). But I realized this:

No matter how young we are or how old we are, we need community. Period.

Sometimes we don’t “want” it. But it’s necessary. Here are 3 reasons why I believe community is important.

The necessity of community

1. Encouragement and Prayer

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another.”(Hebrews 10:24-25a)

I remember my first “small group” encounter occurred in the midst of a horrible low point in my life.

I remember being scared.

I was vulnerable.

I didn’t want to be judged.

I, honestly, wanted to get through all my junk on my own.

…but had I not embraced the community, I would have missed out on experiencing friendship and encouragement

I would have missed out on understanding the meaning of unconditional love (…well, as close to “unconditional” as we can get).

I would have, ultimately, missed out on becoming the woman that God wanted me to become.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16)

As I grew in my faith, being part of a small group gave me an open forum to discuss my struggles with other believers – my FRIENDS – who I knew would be constantly praying for me. And although sometimes it’s awkward, asking for prayer is powerful and knowing that others are praying for you is immensely rewarding.

2. Fellowship

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17)

Life is rough, sometimes.

And we need a safe, fun-loving environment to just have fun and let go.

Some of my favorite small group memories involve game nights, going out to eat together. Just BEING together. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we need each other in times of adversity.

Life is better lived with friends.

3. Discipleship

Another reason community is necessary for young adults is to further our discipleship with Christ – to constantly be growing.

This has especially been the core of my experience with small groups in my “new home” of Charleston. We gather together to encourage, fellowship, but most importantly to GROW as devoted followers of Christ. And to not only grow in our own personal relationships, but also to encourage each other’s growth.

We are constantly studying God’s word to push us to not only become more passionate FOLLOWERS of Christ, but to become LEADERS ready and willing to step up in building up other followers.

I know I was recently asked to pray about stepping up and leading small group one night. I was definitely challeneged (and still am since I haven’t officially stepped up to say “Yes”). But I realized that it’s easy to “sit back and enjoy the ride” when you simply go and don’t have to worry about leading.

But sometimes, we need encouragement from one another to step up and to be willing to lead. Being in a small group that challenges you to never settle in your relationship with Christ is important.

As a former “I like worshiping in a big service, but small groups ‘aren’t for me'” person, I can honestly say that stepping out of my comfort zone and being willing to live life with other people has made a huge difference in my faith and relationship with Christ.

Going to a large gathering on Sunday (or Saturday – whenever you attend “BIG” church) is important in worshiping with the body of Christ, but never discount the importance of gathering together in a smaller community. We were made to be relational and to have more personal relationships with other believers. You never know what God will reveal to you in those smaller gatherings that you would never be able to hear in the larger gatherings.

Are you involved in a small group?

What has challenged you most in that community?

Good small groups…

December 4, 2010 / Ben Reed / 1 Comment

I haven’t run into many people who say, “I want my small group to tank. I want to lead my folks off of a spiritual cliff so that they’re further from God than they were before they even met me.”

Quite the contrary.

Most people want their group to succeed. They want to grow spiritually, and help others grow as well. They want to have vibrant meetings that challenge people’s faith and encourage them to love God and others more. They want to help foster healthy marriages and strong, God-honoring parenting. They don’t want the group meeting to be a drag on anyone. Rather, they long for everyone in the group to look forward to the meeting because they’re building healthy relationships with those in the group.

These people are willing to do what it takes to craft a successful group…they’re just not always sure what they should be doing to make that happen.

This week on Twitter and Facebook, I’ve been talking about what good small groups (and good small group leaders) should be in the business of doing. Here are my thoughts.

Good small groups

Communicate with each other more than once/week
Are filled with admittedly broken people
Embrace those far from Christ
Don’t just talk about the Gospel. They apply it.
Serve their community as much as they serve one another.
Don’t avoid difficult relational issues. They work through them.
Looks a lot like a healthy church.

Good small group leaders

Embrace the messiness of relationships
Are quick to offer grace because they’ve been given so much [grace]
Ask for help
Look a lot like good pastors.
Are patient with group members who are difficult to love.

What else do you think good small groups should be doing?

What else do you think good small group leaders should be doing?

Meaningless Talk

September 23, 2010 / Ben Reed / 0 Comments

My friends Steve Gladen and Bill Donahue talk about the fact that healthy, Biblical community is not full of meaningless talk.

Or, as Bill calls it here, vain janglings. To which Steve, like the rest of the world, says, “What?!?”

When it doesn’t go right, part 2

August 16, 2010 / Ben Reed / 0 Comments

I noted a few things HERE that we can rightly say our circumstances are not. Today, let’s look at a few things our circumstances are.

When “life” happens, remember

1. Circumstances give you a chance to slow down. Moving through life at blazing speeds is something that most of us do well. When trials happen, you’re forced to slow down, and given the chance to evaluate things. Use that time wisely!

2. God is in control of all things. Even when everything seems to fall apart, reminding yourself that God is ultimately in control is a great source of hope. (Ecclesiastes 7:14; John 10:27-29; Colossians 1:17)

3. You need others to help you discern the hand of God. We gravitate to quick, rash decisions…and paralyzation, waiting forever before doing anything. But it is within the counsel of other godly men and women that wisdom is found. (Proverbs 13:20; Proverbs 15:22) Others who love you, have your best interest at heart, and are committed to helping you grow rightly give counsel to help you see where God’s working. (see my related posts on the value of small groups HERE)

4. Circumstances don’t control the outcome of your life. Your relationship with God does. If they begin to control your life, it’s because you’ve given them that power, because Christ is greater than he who is in the world. (1 John 4:4)

This is what the Lord says:
Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans,
who rely on human strength
and turn their hearts away from the Lord .
They are like stunted shrubs in the desert,
with no hope for the future.
They will live in the barren wilderness,
in an uninhabited salty land.

But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit. –Jeremiah 17:5-8

Ever felt like you were controlled by your circumstances?

Ever worked through the difficulties and found God at work the whole time?

When you mess up after messing up

August 5, 2010 / Ben Reed / 4 Comments

A friend of mine is struggling through overcoming an addiction. It’s a tough road. Seriously, really tough.

He’s been clean now for a while. And the freedom he’s experienced after running away from his addiction, finding rest and satisfaction in Christ, has been amazing. And to tell you the truth, it’s been refreshing to me, as well. Seeing a man live in realization that Christ has broken the chains of sin reminds me of the work Christ did to rescue my heart.

And here’s what I’d like to tell you right now: He’s still clean every day. Every day gets easier and easier, and it’s as if the past years of addiction are melted away, and their power to sway is so weak it’s as if it’s nonexistent.

But that would be a lie.

Just the other day, he had to confess a breach in sobriety. And I wept for him. And with him.

And that conversation could have easily been the last of our conversations. Because many Christians say that they’re willing to walk the hard road with a struggling brother. “You need a helping hand overcoming _____? I’m there for you!” Underlying that open hand of mercy is a backhand ready to be unleashed the moment that friend takes a step backwards. It’s one of those unspoken rules. “If you fall back into that sin, my helping you is done.”

Maybe it’s because, if they fall back, it’s reflects badly on them. It used to just be the addict’s problem…now it’s the helper, too.

Maybe it’s because they want to help…as long as it’s not too difficult emotionally.

Maybe it’s because they wrongly think that an addict’s addiction is over, once and for all, the moment they ask for help. That the problem will never resurface, and that the struggle against it is, in a way, over.

Whatever the reason, it’s not a good one. Take out a pen and paper and write this down:

A breach in sobriety is not the end of the battle.

That’s what I told my friend. I reminded him that our relationship is a safe place for him to be open and honest…even if he messes up again. There will be consequences to him taking steps backwards. It could wreck his life…again. But it wouldn’t wreck my commitment to walking this through with him. I reminded him that just because he messed up again, he hadn’t lost the battle forever. That he still had work to do, but that I was still standing beside him, helping him fight. That he was going to probably mess up again, but that God’s forgiveness still covers him. That he could be honest about even the smallest breaches, and that in being honest with the small things, he’s working to fight against the Enemy, and do battle even in his failures.

My friend needs me. Your friend needs you. Especially when they’ve messed up…again.

Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. -God, Deuteronomy 31:6

Have you ever had a friend mess up time and time again? What did you do?

Have you ever messed up time and time again? How were you treated by others?

Sin disrupts community

June 2, 2010 / Ben Reed / 1 Comment

After having looked at cows, rhinoceroses, anteaters, and sloths, God puts Adam in a deep sleep. When he wakes up, he sees Eve and immediately notices that she’s much different than anything he’s ever seen. I imagine she had that angelic light and chorus around her as Adam laid eyes on the one he would spend the rest of his life with. Adam manages to stammer out these words:

This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man. (Genesis 2.23)

Adam and Eve rapidly move from this level of relationship to one of blame-shifting, hiding, deceiving, lying, and pride. What’s the result?

Disrupted community.

Enmity. Pain. Difficulties. Frustrations. Sweat. Shame. Banishment. Broken relationships.

Sin in the OT is first a relational breach. Adam and Eve are separated from each other and from God. Things that should bring great joy would forevermore be painful and difficult. And maintaining and growing the relationships that matter most would be far from easy.

Don’t think that your sin only affects you and your relationship with God, and that, since it’s just between you and God, it won’t make a difference in the lives of others. There is a horizontal aspect to sin. It erodes community.

To think it only affects you is to think to little of sin and its consequences.

Have you ever noticed your personal mistakes having a negative impact on community?

Laughter

May 3, 2010 / Ben Reed / 0 Comments

An essential part of building community is laughing together.

Those I feel closest to I also laugh with. I mean, we do talk about really important stuff. Life-changing. Heart-wrenching. Tear-enducing.

But we also laugh together. So hard that we cry. So hard that it hurts our stomachs. So hard that we accidentally pass gas.

And I’m convinced that it’s healthy to laugh together. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says that there is “a time to laugh.” Laughing together helps to build relationship. It helps to build trust. And community is fostered when you laugh with somebody.

Too many people think that “religion” has to be completely stoic. To be a “good” follower of Christ means that you’re straight-faced, walk around with blank stares, and have furled brows. But that’s just not true.

God created humor. And if you never experience that with other followers of Christ then you’re missing out on a great blessing.

I laugh a lot with the guys I work with at the Grace offices. At the end of one of our Sunday services, a few of us went out on stage as Adam Bayne’s “band” to help him with an announcement. Enjoy laughing at this picture…at our expense. Go ahead…I’m giving you “a time to laugh.”

And while you’re at it, why not invite your neighbor over for a cup of coffee, and laugh together with them, too. Who knows? It may be that God uses that to help you build a relationship with them that leads them to follow Christ.